Wednesday night I received an email: “It’s your Ebay Anniversary!”
As it turns out, eBay and I have been together for FOUR years and honestly, I’ve never felt so loved. Not only is eBay the only significant other to ever remember an anniversary, it’s also the only one to celebrate it — by sending me balloons! I’m feeling a little bad about forgetting our anniversary (and the existence of our relationship in general), so I’ve written this letter explaining my behavior to eBay:
I’m not even sure how we met… I feel as though I’ve known you my entire life. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I don’t remember the first time we hooked up some four years ago. I was probably inebriated in my college dorm room, but I can only imagine that it was beautiful and significant — after all, I did give you my real name as my username and when it comes to eCommerce, I’m just not that kind of girl.
Afterwards I probably spent hours examining your pages of vintage costume jewelry and Marc by Marc Jacobs purses. I’m pretty sure you read into my fascination a bit too much, and I apologize for misleading you. Don’t feel foolish, eBay — these kind of things happen to everyone in college.
After that one night I ignored you for the most part, only contacting you if I noticed you were tagged on a friend’s Facebook wall or for a favor. I feel particularly bad for the time I came to you with a boyfriend’s old roller-blades. I knew I had you wrapped around my finger, and I would have understood if you deleted my account after that. Those roller-blades were never going to sell and we both knew it.
But you persisted in spite of my scorn… and when I hit rock bottom you were there. I’ll never forget how you believed in me during my post-grad days of unemployment. You supported my big dreams of starting a boutique on your site. I’d sit with you for hours and together we’d dream about how Posh For Pennies would be the best vintage reseller on your site.
Those days never came and I guess I owe you an explanation. To be frank, eBay, it’s because I got a real job. You and I both knew we couldn’t live in that fantasy land forever.
I know these past four years haven’t been the best for you… but I want you to know they’ve meant something, sort of. Anyway, if you keep up with this kind of customer loyalty program and regular updates to your search function I might just one day buy something on you, or even open up that little boutique for some supplementary income.