WHATEVER. HER BANGS ARE DISGUSTING.
It’s a little shameful to talk about, but the second I find out that a person I like is hooking up with someone, I become hell-bent on unearthing every flaw I can find. This feels really great for the first minute that I’m judging her based on information found on her Facebook profile, but more often than not I end up discovering how great the girl is and spiral into self-hatred.
For example – I recently found out that a distant friend, on whom I’ve had THE BIGGEST CRUSH EVER for almost a year, is hooking up with another distant friend. The girl he’s hooking up with is awesome, she’s totally pretty and talented and a pleasant person all around. My reaction, however, was to insult her haircut… it’s really not the best, and in the moment it’s all I have. Because in all other respects, she’s amazing. Even her haircut isn’t that bad.
So here’s how I typically reach the self-hatred point: I’m bitching about how unfair it is that she gets to hook up with Crush Guy, she probably doesn’t love him like I love him anyway, and Austin asks to see pictures of her. This is where the self-hatred starts. I’m stalking her on Facebook so I can find all the things that are terrible about her, and I end up discovering that she’s done a bunch of cool things. I click on her Study Abroad photo album, because everyone gains weight during study abroad, and end up finding out that she spent like, two years in a village in Africa or some shit. She didn’t even get fat during study abroad – is she magical?! I see that her website is an Atlanta hip hop magazine and I learn that she is a contributor. Suddenly, I’m not just upset that this girl is more capable of having a conversation with Crush Guy than I am, she’s also so much cooler than I am. Why haven’t I gotten my shit together enough to grow a spice garden on my fire escape? What the hell am I doing with my free time??
Before I know it I’m lying on Nina’s bed, crying about her How To Cook Great Meals That Cost Less Than $7 blog or her installation art. At the wise age of 26, I should know to not do this anymore. It is never beneficial. I found out about Crush Guy and his new love last weekend, and all week I’ve been thinking about why I continue to torture myself. I’ve realized it’s because I have no other way to sooth myself when I hear upsetting news.
I’ve formed a new plan to avoid the self- hatred. From now on, I’m going to skip the stalking and simply take the girl’s face and superimpose it onto gross things. I’ve used Zooey Deschanel as my example, because there’s nothing that makes me more insecure than the simple fact that Zooey Deschanel exists and is walking around somewhere on this planet right now.
Here’s an example scenario: