Bitter Bash

Happy Valentine’s Day, friends! While I’m sure most of you are passed out with a handful of chocolate cake somewhere, or fighting with your significant other (isn’t Vday great?!), I’ve decided to re-live my very favorite Valentine’s Day.

I was 21, living in Boston and the adorable South African guy I’d been making out with told me the night before Valentine’s Day that he’d decided to get back together with his high school girlfriend. The morning of the 14th, it started wintery mixing. For those of you who haven’t lived up north – wintery mix is the worst kind of snow… it’s cold, wet, icy and dirty all at the same time. It took me 30 minutes to walk to a class it usually took me 10 minutes to walk to, only to realize the class had been cancelled. I’d never had a date for Valentine’s Day and this had been the first year I’d hoped it could happen. Overcome by  self-pity, I decided to throw a Bitter Bash for me and all my friends.

I purchased a giant jug of pink wine, invited everyone over, and insisted that we all write letters to our exes and read them out loud. We wrote a bunch of letters, drank white zin out of sippy cups and eventually let go of our bitterness by throwing our letters into the fireplace. It ended up being amazing.

Bitter Bash 2007 – Perfect use of the sippy cup

We’re going to throw a bitter bash again this year, and it’s going to be AWESOME. It was at the last bitter bash that I first spent a significant amount of time with the guy who ended up being my boyfriend for two years. Sometimes I wish I could end my romantic story there… it would be so clean and hopeful. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. The end of that relationship pushed me into adult life, where I’ve experienced so much to write bitter Valentine’s Day letters about.

Here are my Bitter Bash letters for Vday 2012. They include ex-boyfriends, guys I’ve dated, etc:

Dear College Boyfriend, 

I think you are the reason why I have so many post-you bitter bash letters. Congratulations? Actually, you’d probably be upset to read these as you always referenced the first bitter bash in our fights as evidence that I was “jaded and cold and no one would want to date that.” You didn’t understand my sense of humor, college boyfriend, but for some godforsaken reason I didn’t fault you for that. Anyway, thanks for the memories…. I had some fun times in the self-help section of Barnes and Nobles after we broke up. There’s really nothing like the feeling you get when the 45-year-old cashier looks at you, eyes full of pity, because you’re purchasing a book entitled “He’s Just No Good For You.”

Dear Cashier Who Judged Me For Buying Self-Help Books, 

I’m so glad you weren’t there when I returned to purchase “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” and “Adult Children” along with a fresh copy of LSAT Logic Games. What was certainly a low point.

Dear Most Beautiful Man I’ve Ever Kissed, Ever, 

When I think of all the undeservedly bad things that have happened in my life – flat tires, being bullied in middle school, my slow metabolism or the shocking death of my first guinea pig, Chippy – I think that you are the universe making it all up to me. Even though it’s been years, I have your Facebook profile to look at and remember my most glorious moment.

Dear Guy Who Stood Me Up, 

Standing someone up is very mean. Especially when you do it 5 times in a row and then another time one month later after apologizing for the first five times. Nina still has to say “en route” because of how negatively I react to the phrase “on my way.”

Dear Guy Who I Only Recognized By Your Calves For The First Month I Dated You, 

You were very generic-looking, in fact the only way I knew how to describe you to others was, “he’s… a person?” That time you asked me to meet you in the mall food court I was legitimately afraid I would be unable to find you. Luckily, you were wearing shorts.

Dear Guy Dated Me While Dating Two Other Girls At The Same Time And Sent Us The Same Text Messages, 

See Also: Dear Guy Who Stood Me Up,

DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE.

Dear Second Most Beautiful Man I’ve Ever Kissed, 

Had it not been for you that night at the Cougar bar when I was having an existential crisis and the bouncer almost broke Austin’s hand for touching the disco ball, I would have considered the night a failure. Instead, I became one with the Cougars and made out with you. I’d like to think that somehow distracted the bouncer and kept him from breaking Austin’s hand, but I don’t want to give you all the credit here.

Dear I’m Pretty Sure I Was Drunk The Whole Time We Dated, 

A month is a really long time to be drunk.

Dear Kryptonite

Here’s a brief list of things I did to try and not be as pathetic as I was after we broke up:

1.) Referring to you in both my own brain and in conversation as ‘Christina Aguilera’

2.) Going on a hunger strike against my own sadness

3.) Journaling… This is a picture of something I wrote shortly after we broke up. Can you read it? I can’t read it.

4.) Trying to block you on gchat.

It went something like “do you want to block EXBOYFRIEND on Gchat” YES. “DO YOU WANT TO UNBLOCK EXBOYFRIEND ON GCHAT.” yes. “DO YOU WANT TO, IN YOUR SHAME, UNBLOCK EXBOYFRIEND ON GHAT.” I mean, I guess. “EXBOYFRIEND IS UNBLOCKED DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM.” Yes. No? YES.

Dear Homeless Guy Who Who Told Me I Look Like Jennifer Lopez, 

I really needed that.

Dear Slew Of Men Who Tried To Hit On Me Between The Months Of June – October,  

I apologize for telling you the entire story of my last relationship. I applaud you for listening and still attempting to hit on me after that story.

Dear Guy Whose Apartment I Ran Out Of In The Middle Of The Night, 

I’m sorry that I didn’t learn your name and also that I justified that lack of knowledge by saying “Whatever…. I know you’re from Cork” when you were actually from Copenhagen. If it’s any consolation, when I got outside and realized I was NOT in fact in New York City where cabs are easily accessible at 4 am, I felt like a big idiot.

Dear Blendr, 

I apologize for ending our relationship almost immediately after you sent me that explicit picture….

It just wasn’t the way I wanted to wake up that morning.

Dear Flowers, 

Tonight I’m pretty sure that everyone thought I was crying about a boy… but I was definitely crying about you.

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One thought on “Bitter Bash

  1. […] of coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety. From almost buying an albino chinchilla to writing letters to ex-boyfriends, I was a trainwreck. The only productive things I accomplished during the entire month of February […]

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