2012 has started off strange. In my experience, the years start out bad or start out good, but they start out entirely different then I imagine they will. This is the first time in my life that a year has started off similarly to the year before it. What’s strange is that I feel like I’m living in a bizarro version of last year – I’m casually dating the guy with whom I was in a serious relationship this time last year, I’m in my last few months of working at a company I thought I’d stay with forever, and while Austin’s not temporarily paralyzed (knockonwoodknockonwood), he did just get a walking cast for hurting his foot.
Living in bizarro 2011 has allowed for the side of my personality I usually repress to come out. Going through the same motions but feeling so completely different about them has led me to living my waking life in a dream-like state. It’s this feeling that’s allowed Free Spirit Tiffany to come out from the place in my subconscious that Too Uptight Tiffany has been keeping her, and take a crack at living my life.
And you know what? Life has been going pretty well (knockonwoodagain). I’ve had this clear-headed approach to every decision I’ve made. I’d been feeling pretty good about letting Free Spirit Tiffany forge my path until 4 am this morning.
I woke up to a couple yelling at each other on the street about what at first seemed to be about deleting a phone number, then sounded like iPhone theft, and eventually disintegrated into a bunch of ” I fucking love YOU, but you don’t fucking LOVE ME”s. This would not have triggered emotions, had I not heard a domestic dispute almost exactly a year ago, also while laying in ex-boyfriend’s bed. For some reason, hearing the Rihanna/Chris Brown style screaming match woke up Too Uptight Tiffany from the place where she’d been sleeping happily for months.
I spent most of today in unrest, an undream-like state. Everything seemed darker even though it was 70+ degrees outside and I should have been elated. Too Uptight Tiffany was back at the helm and judging everything that’s been going on for the past few months. She’s well rested, so she’s got a lot of venom in her.
It sounds weird to split your personality into two parts, but I think a lot of us are like this… in a constant battle between the person we want to be versus the person that everyone is telling us we should be. A few are able to live their lives as the former, but I’m pretty sure 90-some percent of us live our lives as the latter.
On the train home tonight, Too Uptight Tiffany confronted Free Spirit Tiffany in my brain. It was not pretty, but I don’t think I was mumbling to myself because I still had to sit next to someone on the B train. You only get an extra seat if you seem crazy….
Too Uptight Tiffany – Ok, I don’t know what kind of rufie you gave me at the New Year’s Eve party, but we need to ta- wait… is that a bong?!
Free Spirit Tiffany – Yeah dude. Sweet, right?
T.U.T.- Where the Hell did you even get that?
F.S.T.- Well, while you were at work I walked across the park on 96th street, and in this underpass I made friends with Harold, he’s really nice (for a meth addict) and he gave me this. It glows in the dark!
T.U.T. – This is important… can we talk about what you’ve been doing to our life? You quit our job?
F.S.T. – Yeah… it was bumming me out. We’re not happy there, but it’s all good, I worked out a transition period.
T.U.T – Transition period? Really?! You realize I pay $1225 a month for our rent. You realize we went to MUSIC school. What the hell are we going to do now?
F.S.T. – We can totally be a strippers….
T.U.T. – UMMM. In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve totally gained 10 pounds since moving here. ALL a result of your Spicy Special habit…
F.S.T. – Whatevvvvs, just get adderall, or a tapeworm when you go to Mexico or something.
T.U.T. – This is absurd. Can we talk about what you’ve done to my dating life?
F.S.T. – Oh, yeah, because you’re so good at it. What’s the flirtiest thing you’ve ever said to Crush Guy? “How was the Jay-Z/Kanye concert?” Yeah, you’ve got game.
T.U.T. – Well at least I didn’t set up an online dating gmail account under the name Tiffany, phonetic spelling of our last name. You do realize that I’m 100% sure that tonight’s Craigslist date is only going out with us because he was gmailing with Tiff Payown. Pay-own. He thinks we’re a prostitute. If he hadn’t cancelled tonight, I’d think that he was the Long Island Serial Killer.
F.S.T. – ……maybe he heard you’re getting fat.
T.U.T. – THAT IS ALL YOUR FAULT. I have an app for tracking my calories.
F.S.T. – Oh yeah, you’re such a great dieter. “I’m vegan. I’m gluten free. Thank you for calling the Flower Company, I can’t wait to help you, excuse me while I stuff my mouth with Trader Joe’s Cheese Puffs to suppress my feelings of rage towards you.” After all, you’re the one who has to fit into your size 4 pencil skirt. I look great in our grey sweatpants, ALWAYS.
T.U.T. – THOSE SWEATPANTS ARE DISGUSTING. Why don’t you just go get another word tattoo in a foreign language?
F.S.T. – I have only a few things to say to you. #1 – You like that tattoo. #2- When you run our life, we end up being southern baptist for 9 years, dating guys we don’t really like, and breaking up with the ones we do. #3 – when I run our life, we move to London, we get tattoos that remind us of what we want to be… we move to New York with no money and no job and we find a way to turn a cardboard dresser into a dresser that costs at least $95 dollars.
T.U.T. – Whatever, you were kind of into the Southern Baptist thing to.
F.S.T. – Only the part where they spoke in tongues…. c’mon Too Uptight Tiffany, let’s get drunk.
T.U.T. – Ok, fine… hey Free Spirit Tiffany?
F.S.T. – Yea?
T.U.T. – You have a little mayo on your chin.
F.S.T. – You too, Too Uptight Tiffany, you too….