Application for Trophy Wife position on Craigslist

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently made the decision to leave my job. Long story short, I’m in a ‘transition period,’ in which someone is training to take my place and I have some time to apply to other jobs while still having a paycheck. It’s a pretty sweet deal on both sides, with one catch for me… I have no idea what to do next.

The Flower Company was my first job, and while I never envisioned that I’d grow up to spend my days apologizing to a bunch of angry old ladies about the quality of their flowers, it just sort of happened. I moved up to New York so quickly and thoughtlessly that simply finding an office job exceeded any expectations I’d had for my 24-year-old self. It turns out that the opportunities are endless… there are thousands of jobs in New York. I’m faced with the task of discovering what I want to do, and people keep asking me that exact question – “what do you want to do?”

I’m flattered they think I have a choice, isn’t the economy bad? But also, I’m sort of confused by the fact that people can ask you this question once you’re an adult.

First of all.… I thought that’s why I went to college. No really… why the hell did I spend 5 years (yeah, I’m one of those) studying music, politics, languages and business only to be released into the wild with no skills and even less clarity than I had at 18? If someone had presented college to me as a big party rather than the Most Important Decision I could ever make, I might have actually enjoyed it.

Second… Can you recall a time you’ve been so sick of a job that the simple task of getting yourself to work is more than you can handle emotionally? That’s how I’ve been for the past few months, and while I do remember really loving my job for a long time, that memory has become fuzzy. So fuzzy that it’s hard to get psyched about the jobs to which I’m applying. I’m like a bitter girl on a blind date – “oh, this position has room for advancement? Right.. that’s what they all say. I’ve been around the block, I know you’re just looking for a secretary who’s willing to work weekends. Don’t you even give me that ‘stellar benefits’ bullshit. I know dental is extra.”

So what I’m saying in a roundabout sort of way is that applying for jobs is hard right now. Thinking about moving forward is hard. Why don’t adults get some sort of summer break to evaluate what they want to do next? I’m pretty sure if someone just gave me three months to sleep until 2PM and watch nothing but reruns of Real World/Road Rules challenges (do those still exist?) I would emerge from my cocoon of mindlessness with tons of ambition.

I’ve spent a significant amount of time applying to basically every entry-level position on the Island, and I can’t say my cover letters are that convincing… “Highly capable generalist seeks employment at a fast/slow-paced, large/small company with minimal/competitive pay and room for growth/ paid vacation.” While I’m sure I will find something eventually, the ‘what do I want to do?’ thought bounces around my mind constantly.

I’m competing with a bunch of ivy leaguers for Operations Management positions, when I know I would kick their asses if only someone would post on Craiglist for the positions for which I’m immediately qualified: Lottery Winner, Trophy Wife, Trust Fund Child, etc…

My cover letters would be AMAZING. I’ve thought about it a lot, if only I weren’t applying for that Junior Project Manger position at a company that teaches languages via WebEx, and instead I were applying for Trophy Wife at 485 Madison Avenue.

Look at how good my cover letter would be!

Good afternoon,

Please see my attached resume for the position of Trophy Wife at your penthouse. I’m convinced that I’m the perfect fit for this role as I’m 26, of an inconspicuously ethic background, and I have no desire to birth children. My previous experience as the sole customer service representative for the Flower Company proves that I am fully capable of withstanding any level of judgement from your family members, pre-existing children, or therapist.

My extensive knowledge of female stereotypes (as portrayed by pornography) affords me the ability to accommodate most preferences. I cook, I clean, I attend the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale, semi-annually …. sext message samples available upon request. 

If you’re looking for someone to spend your money, make you look cool in front of your friends, and purchase Rogaine for you at the Duane Reade… I’m your woman. My salary requirements are lower than market value, I’ve only recently learned of stores more expensive than J. Crew. I don’t require medical insurance outside of plastic surgery and spray tans, and I’ll gladly go with a trainer at Crunch rather than Equinox.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Tiffany.

Ps – My name is Tiffany… total trophy wife name.

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