Dear Tiffany ,
GET AWAY FROM THE TIE-DYED DRESS. Ok, now that you’re not thinking about the next tropical cruise that you’ll never go on you can listen to me for a second. I understand that it’s hard to be you… you’re just as poor as you were when you were 21… Fuck it, why are we pretending? You’re poorer than you were when you were 21… at least back then you could afford you some Urban Outfitters shit. While I get that it’s hard being almost 27 and still shopping at a store you and Hibben used to call ‘ForeverSlut,’ it doesn’t mean that you have to get distracted by the worst things in the entire store.
I get it… every time you walk into the same store you’re been frequenting since 11th grade, you’re immediately transported back to how you felt in 11th grade. Back then you saw sequin-adorned panties and all your virginal mind thought was, “SHINY!” but now you’re too old to not look at those green glitter booty shorts and think, “SHINYIWANTTHEM…” you know those are purely for stripping purposes.
Self, you know that Forever does a great job ripping off J.Crew blouses and Anthropologie necklaces, and STILL you find yourself shopping primarily in the section that I’m almost absolutely positive is called Love21SLUTDRESS. Get the FUCK out of there. What do you think you’re going to be doing for 75% of you week? Low-Class hooking? Guess what? You’re not. Go back to the yoga pants section…
You could make Forever work for you. They sell fake silk. Do you know how hard it is to find something that looks likes silk that you can wash? For $17.80. That’s cheaper than a salad.
Because you’re clearly incompetent, I’m going to create a list of do’s and don’ts. Please bring this to Forever21 every time you go from now on. If not, you’re gonna end up with 21 more miniskirts, and you already own like, 57.
Do: Look for things that go past your fingertips. There’s no longer a hall monitor to tell you what’s wrong… now there’s a body of your peers (coworkers) who will just judge you. Harshly.
Don’t: Buy anything makes you think, “Oooo, I’ll wear this the next time I take two weeks off to travel through Asia/New Zealand/ Central America.” You’re never going to have two weeks off ever again. Accept it.
Do: Check out the jewelry. There’s bound to be at least one chunky necklace that looks like it’s straight out of a Bloomingdale’s catalog.
Don’t: But any more metallic heels. You have enough. Just because it’s metallic doesn’t mean it’s a neutral.
Do: Try everything on. You should know by now that only 50% you buy online when you’re drunk look good on you. By not trying things on, you’re bound to waste at least $40 (TWO SALADS!).
Don’t: Buy things off the website when you’re drunk. (see above).
I have no more Do’s… so here are some Don’ts:
Don’t: Buy that dress because you think Oh Maybe It Looks Better At Home. If you look like Lena Dunham when she’s dressed up then the dress is a no-go.
Don’t: Buy ANYTHING in the containers by the checkout. You will NEVER use that sleep mask that says “sexy” in rhinestones.
Don’t: Try on that romper. You’ve tried on at least 30 rompers in your life. You know you won’t look like Feist or Zooey Deschanel and it’s really not worth the ensuing wave of self-hatred.
Basically, what I’m trying to say, self, is that you need to recognize the fact that while you’re 26 and forced to continue shopping at a store where pre-teens spend their allowance, you don’t have to fail so frequently. Just please, please to all that is holy, stay away from things that say “I am this character in a realty tv show/ music video/ strip club,” and get out of the fucking slutdress section… all you do is hang out at Grassroots anyway.
A less-enthralled-by-shiny-things Tiffany
P.S. – Ani, no hyphens were hurt in the creation of this blog post (I hope. Are some of them unnecessary? I’ll never know!)