I’m writing to you with the first of what I hope to be many theories devised by me. As you are my favorite scientific society, and definitely the most real, it would be an honor to have one (or all!) of my findings published in one of your highly esteemed Quarter Monthly Newsletters.
You see, TISSSMPAITS board, every year when fall hits I get really introspective. With my birthday being in November and all, I can’t stop reminiscing on falls past. I’m turning 27 next month and I thinking about the year I turned 24: I broke up with my live-in boyfriend, changed what I wanted to do with my life and lived in my parents house (no job necessary to survive! So much free time!). I remember writing an email to a friend and explaining that I felt as though I was awakening from some fog and discovering the mystical quality of an endless, non-compartmetalized adult life.
That friend didn’t respond to my email. To her credit, She probably thought I was stoned (I was) and to mine I wasn’t THAT stoned and WHATEVER she’s kind of a B and didn’t invite me to her wedding, so now we don’t talk. I’m over it. (kind of).
Either way, I started thinking about all of the important information I’ve collected during the past three years based entirely off of my own personal experiences. Sure, I’m a sample size of one, but I’d like to think I know myself well enough to say that it counts as a sample size of five. Besides, that’s one of the reasons I respect TISSSSMPAITS so much… You guys are known for you unconventional methods of analysis. After reading your mindblowing paper on the Theory of Marutivity, I wouldn’t doubt it if you’ve already developed multiple laws of the universe off of last week’s presidential debates.
Until I hit 27 years of age, at which point my youth ends, I move to North Dakota and pop about 17 babies in the next 16 years, I will strive for as many scientific breakthroughs as possible and to have them published by you.
Here’s my first:
STRIPPERSTHESIA – THE EPIDEMIC SWEEPING AMERICA
Symptoms: The use of fantasies about giving up one’s job to become a stripper as a means of coping with Mondays. It occurs most frequently in young adult women, but is not limited to any gender, ethnicity, age group or whether or not patient has ever been to a strip club. Some data suggests a positive correlation between those who watched Closer at an impressionable age and contraction of the illness.
Treatment: Asking the question, “Do you know if they can touch?” tends to send those afflicted into a several hours of debating with themselves whether or not patrons can touch and if so, would they be ok with it? If treatment is received by 9:30 AM, the symptoms tend to clear up around lunchtime. “What about health insurance for entry-level strippers?” has also proven effective with more prudent individuals.
See also: Bartenderitis, Lotterexia Nervosa.