26 and mini-depressed

“How are you?”
“Oh, you know, depressed this week.”

I’m a fairly bubbly person, but once every few months I get in a state of mind that greatly mirrors that Zoloft commercial from the early 2000s:

I’m a sad rock

I know that this is nothing like real depression (and before you get offended, I’m about to make fun of myself for wallowing) but I can’t come up with another word to describe it.

“The blues” sounds too cute to represent the act of locking oneself in her room for evenings/weekends on end, eating nothing but diet popsicles and vegan/gluten free takeout from a restaurant that is always a bad idea, watching the entire pilot season of a show about divorcées that was cancelled back in 2008 just because Rashida Jones in it, and going to bed at 9:30 wrapped in a cocoon of dirty laundry and sheets that are mysteriously not soft (is that sand I feel?). No, the blues doesn’t properly describe the grossness of what is most definitely an antithetical attempt at relieving my feelings of meh-ness.

This is what I did Tuesday night.

What is this feeling, friends? Were does it come from? When I was younger, I could pinpoint the causes of my discontent. Back then my love life was prospect-less, living in New York seemed like it would never happen, and I think my brain was still developing or something. Now it’s a more difficult to find the source of my discontent. If you look at the patterns below, my sources of sadness  (while never that legitimate) are only getting less legitimate:

Causes and Symptoms of Mini-Depression, Throughout the Years:

Teens-

Causes

  • Didn’t get lead in school play
  • Hadn’t seen boy I like since Tuesday and he’s wasn’t talking to me on AIM
  • Probably something baptist-guilt related
  • Wasn’t as famous as Britney Spears yet

Symptoms

  • Only wore one outfit – giant red sweatshirt from American Eagle and jeans that were too tight but no one could tell because of the sweatshirt (or at least that’s what I thought)
  • Many sleepless nights trying to find ways to work lyrics to R.Kelly’s “I Wish” into journal entries

College Years –

Causes

  • Didn’t get into vocal performance ensemble of choice
  • Guy who seemed like he liked me turned out to be gay
  • Binge-ate feelings
  • Out of money as a result of binge-eating feelings
  • Wasn’t as famous as Regina Spektor yet

Symptoms

  • Extra cigarettes consumed
  • Less homework completed
  • More songs written – 99% of them Bright Eyes rip-offs

Post-College Floating –

Causes

  • The LSAT has not yet been banned under the Geneva Convention
  • Life has no purpose
  • Dreams of crime and violence (all the floating led to a stronger bout of mini-depression)
  • After 21, fame no longer seemed to be an option

Symptoms

  • No sleeping / extra-strong caffeine addiction
  • Room filled with piles of LSAT books, occasionally interspersed with self-help books
  • Lots of failed ‘art’ projects in house

26 and Occasionally Mature Enough to Pay Bills on Time – 

Causes:

  • Learned too much about Karmin last week, sparked existential crisis
  • Fall not as crisp-feeling as usual
  • Apartment in New York too far from other places in New York
  • Haven’t become as famous as Allie Brosh yet
  • Daily life not filled with as much whimsy as Anthropologie led me to believe
  • Too poor to binge-eat feelings
  • Karmin’s “Hello” a bad soundtrack to existential crises

Symptoms:

The good news is I’m running out of mildly tolerable television pilots on Hulu, so I guess I’ll see you all on the other side soon. If I can ever find my way to my door.

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