It seems as though I am ALWAYS drunk at the airport. Whether I am hungover drunk or fuck-it-my-flight-was-delayed-5-hours-and-they-have-wine drunk, I am never in a fully conscious state of mind while at the airport. I’m either overly friendly to strangers/ flight attendants or totally rude/ about to throw up on strangers/ flight attendants. So this morning, while I sit here at the airport totally hungover because last night Chris and I discovered $5 martini night at a restaurant near me, I’ve decided to do a Best/Worst post about being drunk at the airport.
Best times to be drunk at the airport:
- When the drinking starts AT the airport, because you’re like FUCK IT, I’m on vacation bitches.
- When there’s entertainment: This one time, at the airport, I watched a very nice cop help a very drunk and belligerent guy pay his bar tab (and then I’m guessing she took him to the hospital for alcohol poisoning).
- When you like someone else’s haircut. Yes, yes I have complimented someone’s haircut while drunkenly navigating my way through the aisle of my plane.
- When you discover the free wifi service, Boingo, that’s only $12 a month for unlimited airport wifi. The best. Ever.
- When you’re at the LaGuardia Delta terminal that they’ve recently redone and they have box wine and skinny girl margaritas in the food court and they’re cheap.
- When your mom’s driver will pick you up at the Trinidad airport, give you money for cigarettes and they also have steal drums that you can play, because it’s motherfucking Trinidad.
Worst times to be drunk at the airport:
- When your vacation is ending, not starting.
- When you’re hungover, but still kind of drunk so the whole trip is like you keep waking up from a stupor and remembering things from the night before… But you’re not at Waffle House.
- When you’re so hungover that you throw up in three airports and a plane on the same day.
- When the airport you’re hungover in has no Boingo wifi hotspot (Savannah, I shake my fist at you!).
- When you have Mexican tourist sickness and your family realizes they’re leaving Mexico a day earlier than you so they rent you a hotel room and give you like 700 pesos and you’re not sure what that means but you assume it’s $1,000 at least but then you very quickly spend it all on Mexican flag colored cookies for your roommates and tequila shots. Also you cry while watching Grey’s Anatomy at the airport bar next to some business men.
That is all. I’m going to go pass out on my flight now.