Slow descent into insanity or best idea ever?

But... It SMELLS like vodka

Yesterday as I was standing in Duane Reade, buying my lunch (yes… I do buy my lunch at the pharmacy), I was thinking about what a bad mood I was in. I’m two years into this whole financial independence thing, but I have yet to learn any lessons about not spending with reckless abandon for the first three weeks of the month, only to suffer for the last. I become an insufferable human in the days leading up to payday, and it’s my own damn fault every time.

I don’t know if I’m getting worse at handling my money and therefore more pathetic, or if the level of self-hatred is growing because, seriously… WTF is my problem? Today I got super depressed about the fact that my inner monologue took this turn:

“Ok, what type of cheese should I buy? Oh, damnit, this Duane Reade doesn’t have light cheese. Oh wait, they have string cheese. Aw shit, I can’t afford $6 string cheese. Well… there’s American cheese. How many calories are in a piece of American cheese? 60? Ok, I can do that. Oh look! They have lite American cheese! Aw shit, I can’t afford the lite American cheese either.”

After a moment of feeling sorry for myself, I realized how great it would be to keep track of these moments in my life. Why can’t life be like a video game, except one that gives me points for hitting new lows? If standing in a pharmacy, contemplating the price to calorie ratio of cheese prompted a booming, “NEW LOW ACHIEVED!” and then one of those stars from Mario Party showed up over my head, sucking at life be amazing! So many people would be happier!

I mentioned this to Austin later, and he immediately made me a picture… Because that’s what we do for each other when we’re sad. Suddenly, I was able to transform the cheese episode into an awesome video game moment:

It helped. And today, when I found myself (half-heartedly) contemplating drinking hand sanitizer because I can’t afford a martini and I could really, really use one today, a little voice in my head went, “NEW LOW ACHIEVED!”

I’ve named my little icon guy George FuckYouton, and Austin and I have some ideas for ways the Presidents can help document my lows (and maybe even highs). Get ready for the best video game ever (or for me to be institutionalized very shortly).

Peace, love and could you spare some string cheese?


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