Resolutions for No One

The other day I was walking down the street and I saw this 7-Eleven ad:

I didn’t know they made three types of American cheese.

“This year, my resolution is to buy pizza at a 7-Eleven!”  SAID NO ONE EVER.

It’s nine days into January, meaning everyone has pretty much broken their New Year’s resolutions by now, or at the very least they’re sick of talking about them. I, however, really haven’t had a chance to think of mine. I came up with a vague one on the street the other day that I then decided was way to optimistic because it involved things like growing and changing. I probably haven’t come up with any this year because I’m still trying to accomplish last year’s resolutions.

The pizza sign got me thinking… There are some things that no person in the history of mankind will ever say to themselves on January 1st. Here are a few I came up with:

In 2013, I resolve to…

1. Learn a skill at work that will make no impact whatsoever on my resume.
2. Forget my umbrella for the umpteenth time, spend $3 on one at Duane Reade only to have it stop raining the second I walk outside.
3. Lengthen my commute by increasing my number of transfers.

Maybe I’ll start taking the bus, too!

4. Perfect my Cha Cha Slide.
5. Spend more time looking at my tagged photos from back when I had straight across bangs and two-toned hair.
6. Buy underwear from American Apparel instead of washing the 60 pairs I already own, even though I hate American Apparel underwear.
7. Drunk-eat everything more often.
8. Complete my Pitbull discography.
9. Get a little too tipsy at every office function.
10. Run into my ex only when I’m wearing sweatpants and he’s with his new girlfriend.
11. Become a Peeps connoisseur:

“Ah, yes… The rare royal purple Peep. Its smooth hints of lavender-infused-plum will remind you of running through the aisles of a K-Mart when you were six. Ahhh the nostalgia of Peeps.”

Actually, becoming a Peeps connoisseur seems like something Natalie Portman or Zoey Deschanel would do in a movie, and it would be adorable.

Here’s to everyone’s New Year’s resolutions – may you break them all before February.

Peace, Love and 7-Eleven mini tacos (featured in a separate ad), 


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