New Approach

Recently, I decided that I was going to post every Tuesday and Thursday. I was like, “This is my goal. I’m gonna make it happen.”

So far I’m 0 for 3, which kind of makes sense considering the fact that this is basically a blog about how I’m terrible at being a grown up who accomplishes anything other than consecutive hangovers. It’s not for lack of trying or brainstorming, it’s just that the more I write (and the more I’m aware that people read what I write), the more I’m like, “Oh shit, I should probably make pictures. People like pictures! I should also talk about Kanye, I think that’s something bloggers do,” and then I spend like five hours re-reading Hyperbole and a Half and hating myself.

It’s time for a new approach: I promise all of you I will *try* my hardest to post every Tuesday and Thursday morning. If I don’t, feel free to publicly ridicule me (Antoine, I’m looking at you). I’m serious – I respond very well to negative reinforcement. I’d say it was my Baptist upbringing, but baby, I was born this way (FULL OF GUILT).

Basically, if I don’t have a post prepared, I’m just going to talk about some shit that’s going on. That’s what I did last night. Here’s what’s going on in my life:

1. TV is back – OMG how did I live through December without it? Do you guys know how much TV I watch? For every movie I hate (all movies that aren’t romcoms), there’s at least three TV shows I FUCKING LOVE. My problem is that I have a super good memory, so I have to wait a really long time before re-watching an episode of something, so when new TV isn’t on I got through this weird crisis for like two weeks. I get home, there’s nothing on, I contemplate going to bed at 8 PM, I feel depressed because who goes to bed at 8 PM? Eventually I remember Netflix exists, I realize there are SO MANY episodes of It’s Always Sunny that I haven’t yet seen and just around the time I’m getting used to life without TV, it comes back. We have a complicated relationship, me and TV. Which leads me to…

2. Girls – I am the latest person to arrive at the Girls Is Awesome party. It is awesome. The only problem is that it reminds me so much of my college relationship that every time I watch it I go to sleep and have nightmares about being back in that relationship. I want the nightmares to stop, but I want Girls to keep going. No idea what to do other than forego sleep. Which leads me to…

3. Winter Spiders – Something is feasting on my body while I sleep. Yes, New Yorkers, I know you’re thinking it’s bed bugs. IT’S NOT BED BUGS. The bites are not in threes, it is happening in two separate apartments, and no one else is getting bitten. My coworker told me that he once had these tiny, black spiders that lived near his ceiling and bit him in the winter, but Googling ‘Winter Spiders’ has proven to be inconclusive, so I don’t know what to think. Either there are secret winter spiders that feast only on my body (seriously, one of them bit the vein on my neck. Terrifying) or the place I buy my diet coke every morning is lacing my morning beverage with meth and the spiders are imaginary. Which leads me to…

4. This week was the two year anniversary of that time Austin was paralyzed – On the topic of things you can buy that end up hurting you, two years ago Austin bought some soup that gave him food poisoning, and then his body decided to have a crazy immune reaction (known as Guillain-Barré Syndrome) in which his nerves freaked out and he was 90% paralyzed for like three weeks and had to re-learn how to walk. We celebrated the anniversary by walking to Westside Market and buying snacks. Which leads me to…

5. Trying to be healthy – For Christmas, my parents bought me a six month hot yoga membership. I got into hot yoga last spring, and I’ve been planning on asking for it for Christmas since September, when I realized that I really can’t afford it on top of a gym membership. I’m an incredibly anxious person, and I tend to have a lot of panic attacks about stupid shit, so I’ve found that the only way to calm my mind is to stand in a room that is so fucking hot that all you can think is, “OMG this is SO fucking hot. Can you open the door. OPEN THE DOOR. OPEN IT!!!” for 90 minutes. So this week I’ve gone to hot yoga four times. The best benefit I’ve realized so far is that the other night I got super drunk off two drinks. The cheapest way to get drunk is always the best way, which leads me to…

6. Budgeting – I am bad with money. I don’t shop EVER, I don’t go to Starbucks (anymore), I never take cabs and I bring my lunch to the office, but I am absolutely, 100% terrible with money. I think the Winter Spiders are also draining my bank account while I sleep. That being said, one of the things I have become VERY used to is having somewhere between two to fifteen dollars to my name for the second week of every month. The first time this happened I think I cried like three times that week. I was like, “Butttttttt I want a diet cokeeeeee,” now I’m like, “whatevs, I’m guess I’ll eat rice cakes for dinner again.” The moral of the story is people adjust. I wish I had a better moral, like here’s how you don’t go broke one out of every four weeks. Sorry.

This leads me to nothing, so I guess this is the end of my post.

Peace, Love and I really hope you don’t have a case of the Winter Spiders like I do, 


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