For those of you who have been reading this blog for over a year, you know that last Valentine’s Day I was in rough shape. I was extremely anxious about my customer service job at a flower company and came up with a slew of coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety. From almost buying an albino chinchilla to writing letters to ex-boyfriends, I was a trainwreck. The only productive things I accomplished during the entire month of February were saving a drunk girl and watching at least four seasons of How I Met Your Mother.
If you click the links above, you will get to all of last year’s posts about Valentine’s Day. In case you didn’t figure that out yet… You clever thing, you.
The day after Valentine’s Day, I stood in my bedroom staring out my window at the dreary February grossness and tried to come up with any excuse to not go to work.
“Hi, work? Yes, I got hit by a cab delivering flowers last night. I’m uh, dead. Yeah… I’m calling from hell. No, it’s actually not that bad. There are margaritas here.”
“Dear work, I am writing you this email because I lost my voice in a screaming karaoke rap battle with a drag queen last night. I know late-night drinking is irresponsible, especially on a Tuesday, but it happened. I will be taking a personal day, thank you very much.”
When I realized that my most believable excuse would be claiming I’d had a complete emotional breakdown, I decided I had to get to work because I was already late and that the only thing I could do at that point was make myself one promise: Next year, you will not be spending your Valentine’s Day customer servicing angry flower orderers and recipients. I don’t know what you’ll be doing, but whatever it is you will remember this moment and you will forever love Valentine’s Day and everything about it for the rest of your life because you won’t be doing this.
So I’m making good on my promise to myself AND to all of you. Valentine’s Day is universally hated by single people, couples, waiters, cab drivers, liquor store attendants, and the list goes on. As possibly the only person who now loves Valentine’s Day, consider me your benevolent host. This week, I will be posting every day with tips, tricks and drinking games (duh) for everyone out there who’s having a rough week.
If you’ve got a date this holiday, give them an extra tight squeeze. If you’re single, give your friends (or that wine bottle) an extra tight squeeze. If you’re in customer service for any business involved in Valentine’s Day, I tip my fucking hat to you, you are a god among men. No matter where you are, come back every day to check out the action.
Peace, love and candy hearts,