Gift Guide: Valentine’s Day Edition

Ok, so I sadly haven’t seen any Valentine’s Day gift suggestions, but I think I’ll be able to wing it. Valentine’s Day is only two days away and if you’re like me you’re still trying to figure out a way to work curse words and insults into an adorable homemade gift for your significant other.

Dirty message jam could totally be a top seller on Etsy

Giving a good gift for Valentine’s Day can be hard, especially if your relationship isn’t your standard husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend situation. This year, however, you’re in luck! Instead of making sex jam, I’ve been thinking about all of you and your needs. I know, I’m such a good person. Below are my suggestions for every type of relationship I could come up with. If you have one I haven’t mentioned, and you’d like to know what I think, shoot me a line in the comments section of this post. I will come up with something JUST for you. How’s that for customer service?

For your best friend:

So you’re single this year and your romantic life is so nonexistent that you not only quit shaving your legs, but you’re not even bothering with the armpits anymore either because it’s winter and fuck it, no one’s seeing your naked arms for another three months anyway. I’ve been there, and I totally get it: Why the fuck do couples need another day to remind you of the constant, nagging feeling that you are that one person who is destined to be alone forever? Do they really need another excuse to shower each other with the love and affection that you’re certain you are only going to receive from the 37 cats you one day plan to adopt?

First off, you’re probably not that person because if the cast of Jersey Shore can get married (at least for a while) I’m pretty sure there’s hope for all of you. Secondly, that’s why we all have best friends. Best friends don’t care about your unshaven armpits or your strange obsession with Love Bites, the cancelled-after-nine-episodes NBC sitcom that lured you in with a guest appearance by Jennifer Love Hewitt for like five seconds and then went downhill after the opening credits. Best friends don’t go, “Hey, honey. Maybe you shouldn’t eat that icing while waiting for your pizza to arrive,” because it does not concern them if you get fat and most of the time they will enjoy eating the icing with you.

One of my favorite Valentine’s Days was spent on the couch with Nina watching America’s Psychic Challenge and eating chili. I recommend that you purchase the DVD set of that show and some chili to recreate that.

Love you, Neens.

For your gay best friend who is of the opposite sex: 

They’re basically the same as the above with a few minor differences – they’re awesome cuddle time stand-ins and the fact that they work out more than you slightly helps with the potential weight gain that comes with the icing/pizza combo.

Take them on a trip. Take them on a trip to a place where you like to judge people, like the mall, or Oskaloosa, Iowa and mean mug everyone who walks by and then say things like, “Ew.” or “Who?” after they pass but are still within earshot.

Judging, circa 2010. Venue of choice: Florida.

For someone who’s put you in the Friend Zone but you want outta that zone and into his/her pants:

I’ll start this with a don’t: The other day I was at the gym, watching one of those little TVs while I elliptical-ed my heart out. I usually don’t watch MTV because I had some opinion on what their reality shows were doing to society when I was like 22 and even though I’ve since forgotten my stance, I figured meh, I’ll stick with it. The thing is my gym plays 90% sports and then either The Food Channel or MTV, so I was forced. Anyway, they have this show called Friendzone where people who have a crush on their best friend take them on an MTV reality TV show but the friend thinks it’s a different MTV reality show and then through some elaborate plot they reveal their true intentions and either they’re publicly humiliated when the friend says no or they start dating but it’s kind of awkward and you feel like you’re watching two siblings date when they do the ‘two months later’ check in. Do not take your Friend Zone buddy on this show for Valentine’s Day.

What you should do instead – Get them some condoms. Don’t fuck around, just do it.

For that special someone… Who you really, really want to dump: A subscription paired with the phrase, “I think you’re really great and you deserve to have someone love you as much as you love me.”

For your lying, cheating, no-good ex:

I once dated someone who turned out to be a MASSIVE compulsive liar. He’d created elaborate stories such as playing tennis in Brazil for an entire summer while being paid $30K in tennis winnings. It turned out that he’d spent the summer painting houses with his dad in his hometown while hiding from all of his friends he was lying to. If I’d known about, he’d have received at lot of their arrangements.

For that friend you secretly hate: 

Old people, my generation calls these “Frenemies.” Cute right? And you thought we were so busy with our Facebooks and tumbling that we hadn’t accomplished anything yet. Get that bitch some chocolate. It’s perfect! It seems nice but accomplishes your ulterior motive, which is of course to get your nemesis fat. There is one exception… If the reason you hate this person is because she’s got a magic metabolism, giving her chocolate that she can enjoy without consequence does not help your cause. In that case, give her something terrible, like a juice cleanse.

“This is all water weight. First you bloat, and then you drop ten pounds like that.”

For the hot guy/girl on the train: 

Your number. Duh.

Original photo from

Ok, back to figuring out my own gift. I think for Valentine’s Day maybe I’ll just get my boyfriend drunk.

Peace, love and sexy condiments, 


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