Floral Arrangements for Getting it On

We all have those random skill sets we’ve acquired from our past – whether it’s this stuff you learned from the job you had in high school, or what you majored in during college. I can talk your ear off about music copyright law and varieties of carnations. It was only a year or so ago that I was coming up with the occasional floral ‘Recipes,’ so I’ve decided to share my expertise with all the gentlemen who read my blog.

Fact: Valentine’s Day is the number two busiest day in the floral industry, losing out to Mother’s Day only because everyone has a mother.

That being said, Valentine’s buyers are the most desperate and clueless. Men know that women want flowers, and they want them on Valentine’s day, but they’re utterly clueless as to what to order or what to write on the gift message.

I can’t tell you how many gift messages I’ve written for grown men.

Men, are you concerned your ladies are a little less traditional? Do you want to wow them with something more creative than roses.  Do you need to write something more creative than “love you babe?”

I could give you some really great advice on all of the above, but instead I’m going to show you the wonderful world of flowers that send one very direct message: I wanna do you, bitch. 

My friend Toni, floral buyer extraordinaire, inspired this post by sending me a comic that was so dirty I wrote back, “I can’t put that on my blog. My grandma reads it sometimes!” Anyway, Toni also taught me the wonderful world of dirty flowers… Throw a couple of these in your traditional red rose bouquet, include the message I’ve attached and you are bound to get your message across. Whether or not this actually gets you laid… I have no idea.

Calla Lilies – The classy way to say “take your pants off.”

Gift message: Baby, you’re beautiful just the way you are… And you’re even more beautiful when you’re naked.

Callas are famously known as a symbol for lady parts, just ask Georgia O’Keeffe.

Anthirium – An exotic way to ask, “Do you wanna see it?” 

Gift Message: “Girl, I feel so close to you. I just want to show you my soul, or something like that.”

As an aside, in searching for anthirium, Toni came across this:


Ok, next.

Hooker Lips – For the lady who’s a little cheap and likes it that way. 

Gift Message: “Bitch, this flower ain’t got nothing on you. You my #1 ho.”

I’m pretty sure that flower had some work done.

Banksia – For those who feel the need to over-compensate.

Gift Message: “How you doin’?”

This is a personal favorite among flower people. One of my favorite complaints ever received was in regards to some bright red banksia in an arrangement: “What are those penis-looking things? They’re terrible!”

Black roses and Thistle – If you’re into some weird shit.

After last year’s 50 Shades craze, I couldn’t leave it out. Buy her some black roses, spiny thistle and maybe some Devil’s Poker.

Gift Message: “Slave, the only safe words I need are “I love you.””


Anyway, we have arrived! Happy Valentine’s Day! Good luck on any and all of your endeavors today.



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