I Know What You Googled Last Summer

One of my favorite things to do with my blog stats is to look at what search terms people used to end up on my blog. Because this blog has a lot of words, there are lots of ways to combine those words and end up at BWCE without ever meaning to end up here. If you happen to be reading this post because you wanted porn involving passed our drunk girls, my apologies, I have none of that here.

I’d been thinking for a long time about posting the list, and then I was reading The Bloggess and realized she already does this at the beginning of every year. Damn you, Bloggess! So naturally, I have to take it a step farther so I’m not totes copying her.

I feel kinda bad for those of you who are asking Google important questions and instead end up reading a post about how I’m scared of my elevator, so I’ve decided to answer some of the questions others have asked. Hopefully I will make at least one searcher happy, but I do have a disclaimer for all of you: You should probably not trust my answers because I’m an idiot.

How many butterscotch shots does it take to get drunk?
I’m not positive what type of butterscotch shots this person was referring too, but butterscotch schnapps have 30% alcohol and regular shots have about 50%. So probably one or two more than regular shots?
 
Is martinis really good i want another one of those guys don’t?
Well, I’m assuming you’ve been drinking martinis based off the way your question is phrased, but yes, they are really good. Personally, I like a dirty martini with a couple olives. Extra credit goes to the bartender if he has olives stuffed with almonds. Also, they’re cheap and easy to make at home but every time I do so I end up feeling a bit like a housewife with a prescription pill problem and a furry dog. That’s maybe because the only times I’ve made myself martinis at home were before 5 PM and my excuse was, “I need them while I clean and listen to Amy Winehouse.” Also, guys do like martinis sometimes as long as they’re not like, appletinis.
 
기면증
I have no idea how you got here, but I can assume you’re in the wrong place.
 
Barney stinson gay?
No, while his character is not gay, the actor Neil Patrick Harris who plays him in one of the greatest sitcoms of all time, “How I Met Your Mother”, is gay and, frankly, adorable with his husband and kids.
 
Is speed dating pathetic?
No! It’s awesome! At least in New York, I had a really good time going to a speed dating event. I’ve actually answered this question in a previous blog post. You can find it here.
 
How to crash diet with adderall?
Just. Take. The. Adderall.
It’s that fucking easy.
 
What sounds like a bad hurricane name? 
I would need some clarification as to whether or not the person is looking for a bad name for a hurricane or a name that makes a hurricane sound menacing. If it’s the former: Sandy. Sandy is a terrible name for a hurricane. NO ONE SAW YOU COMING, SANDY. YOU SOUNDED SO LAME.
 
The stages of love?
As a person who’s never been in a relationship for longer than 2 years, this is what I’ve got. They’re sort of in order but then it gets muddled somewhere in there:
I like you, but you’re a character in a book.
I like you, but you don’t know who I am.
I like you, but you don’t know who I am and now I live in another country but I haven’t become obsessed with anyone else yet so I’m going to stare at your yearbook picture and daydream.
I like you, but I’m fat.
I like you, but you’re gay or I’m fat or I’m going to be confused about this for the next 5 years.
I like you, you like me, I don’t know where to go from here.
You like me, I am now OBSESSED WITH YOU.
I like you, you like me… I think? We made out after drinking… That means you like me, right?
The stage in which I learn that drunk makeouts do not mean that you like me. I’m going to go listen to Fall Out Boy and post all of the lyrics as my new favorite quotes on my Facebook profile.
I think there was a stage dedicated to loving Facebook somewhere in here.
Then I think there’s all the normal ones – like, lust, love, fiancee love, married love, married hate, separated love/hate, divorced hate. Does divorce count as a stage of love? 
 
Is moving from NY to ATL smart?
To be honest, I read this question the other way around when I chose it from my search history, so I thought it was asking if moving from ATL to NY is smart. I think my answer still applies, just flip it around in your head: If you don’t mind going from having a one bedroom apartment with parking and all the amenties to an apartment that doesn’t even have drawers and paying double in your rent and crying a lot because your air mattress has a hole in it and the dresser you made out of your cardboard moving boxes is sagging after two months then, yes… Move to New York. You’ll have a blast your first year here.
 
Why am I hungover and drunk at the same fucking time?
It’s called day drinking.
 
Is the Craigslist Killer movie good for children to watch?
Are you serious? Why on earth would you even ask that? When I was like 6 years old I saw Gremlins 3 and it RUINED me for life. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be a comedy but the idea of something that looked cuter than my dog suddenly spawning evil villans was absolutely terrifying. Why the hell would you show your kid a movie about some dude who liked to kill sex workers off the internet? No, just No.
 
Jillian Michaels donut diet?
There is no such thing as that, and if you ever meet Jillian do not ask her about it because she will probably murder you. Like, make you run so fast for so long on a treadmill that you will die. Bitch is crazy about diets.
 
Fette Sau pronunciation?
Ok, this one actually gets me a ton of hits and I feel bad about it because it’s related to one line in one post that is making fun of people who are arguing over the pronunciation. I think it’s Fet-uh-Sow? Not sure, really. That’s just what someone in Brooklyn told me once.
 
I hope you learned nothing. 
Peace, love and google searches for weird shit, 
BWCE
 
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