I am not usually one to follow celebrity things – I’m much more likely to stalk people that I kinda sorta know on Facebook and secretly know everything about them. Oh yeah, FB acquaintances I’ve looked at all of those photos of your dog. BUT, the other day I was thinking about the absurdity of the Kimye baby and I realized I had to write this post.
Fabies (my word for “famous babies”) are such a huge thing now. Do you know how much money celebrities get paid for pictures of their babies? FACEBOOK MOMS, YOU ARE BEING CHEATED OUT OF MONEY… APPARENTLY. Like, don’t they look all the same? In my mind there are only five type of babies:
- Bald babies – I can’t say I love these
- Babies with “so much hair!!” – These remind me of me as a baby, so I’m like, “Aw, aren’t they cute” so then I can tell you about how I was also cute as a baby which leads into the story about how I couldn’t eat my first two weeks of life and my mom had to feed me with an eyedropper. #babyrexic #thin
- Ethnic babies– I’m chill with these because they don’t look like something I could birth (at least with my current boyfriend, maybe these will freak me out one day too).
- Crying babies – They are my cue to leave the room/ kill myself.
- My niece – The best baby in the whole wide world. Seriously. I have so many pictures of her on my phone.
Well, my friends, I declare 2013 “The Year of the Fabies”. Sure, last year was Blue Ivy’s year, but this year two monumentally famous babies are going to enter the world.
The Royal Baby and Whatever Is Going to Come Out of Kim Kardashian.
At first, they may seem unrelated to you, but as you may know, I’m a big ol’ fan of battles. It’s time for a Faby-off. In true BWCE style (that I never, ever use) I will determine the winner at the end of this post using my entirely made up rating scale.
First, let’s talk about the parents:
If asked what F.A.B.I.E.S. stands for, what do we think they’d say?
The Royal Lovebirds: 5 points for keeping it classy
Kimye: 3 points for keeping it real
The Royal Lovebirds: 0 points. I hate inspirational things.
Kimye: 2 points because I love that song and another 5 points because, social media, duh. (7 points)
I’m gonna be honest… I don’t really know what’s supposed to be a good baby bump. To me, it looks like Kate’s is in her pocket and Kim’s is in her butt. I’m giving them both 1 point for effort.
Ok, onto the Fabies:
Morning sickness: What do we think it means?
Kate was royally ill. According to Kim she didn’t have morning sickness, but according to the news (Perez Hilton. He counts, right?) she had a secret doctor or something. Sorry, I need to move on. I just got SO BORED trying to research this point that I zoned out for like 15 minutes.
– 5 points for both teams and also -1 million points for the news because HOW MUCH CAN YOU TALK ABOUT MORNING SICKNESS? Ew.
What will they look like?
It’s been rumored that Kate’s going to have twins…
I know… Terrifying. But, are they AS terrifying as a Kanye’s face on Kim’s body?
Probably not… I’m giving the Royal Lovebirds 1 point here.
And what about the name?
You could name Kimye’s baby something totally average, like Steve, and it would still be Illuminati. 10 points to Kimye.
Ok. The time has come to determine the best Faby:
Ok, so I didn’t plan on having Kimye win by so many points, but then “N*ggas in Paris” started playing while I was totaling everything up and that line happened. Either way, Kanye was gonna win because there have generations of British royals, but there’s only ONE KANYE.
I’m surprised that fetus doesn’t have a twitter in utero…
Peace, love and Ffetuses (famous fetuses),