Don’t Movie Theaters Have Bedbugs Anyway?

I know they’re supposed to be fun or whatever, but I really don’t like movies. The last time I went to a movie theater it was to see “Contagion”, which only reminded me of why I hate movies. Seriously, “Contagion” was so boring that I wished it was a zombie movie, even though I once had to leave a movie theater while watching “I Am Legend” because I didn’t realize it was a zombie movie and I got so scared that I started sobbing. Yeah, I was 23 when this happened and my mom totally took me out of the theater and hugged me to calm me down. So what?

Anyway, whenever Oscar time comes around it serves as a reminder that I have seen none of the movies. This year is the second year in a row that I have seen not a single nominated film. Luckily, my boyfriend also hates movies, so we live in this magical land where nothing we watch lasts more than 42 minutes unless it’s a stand up comedy special or a documentary on serial killers. We love serial killers.

It’s a strange thing to realize that there’s this whole portion of culture from which you’ve excluded yourself. My roommates will be talking about some movie I’ve never heard of and I realize this is probably what it’s like for people who don’t have Facebook profiles because they have some pretentious view on it being the Panopticon. Despite knowing nothing about these movies, I’ve formed my opinions on what I think the movies are about based upon the following criteria:

1. The title
2. The subway poster (if it exists)
3. What I’ve heard people say about it
4. Jon Stewart’s interview with the lead actor

So the other night, my boyfriend was showing me the trailer to “Silver Linings Playbook” to point out that the movie was DEFINITELY shot where he grew up and I was like WHAT I THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS A MOVIE ABOUT FOOTBALL. I thought Bradley Cooper was like, a football coach and Jennifer Lawrence was his wife or maybe a cheerleader and together they brought together white and African American youths through the great American sport. We had to watch “Remember the Titans” a lot on the church bus and I think it’s the only football movie I’ve ever seen so I assume they’re all about this. This realization led me to think about all the Oscar nominees this year… Here’s a list of what I think these movies are about. You can correct me if I’m wrong. I don’t care about spoilers because I’m never gonna see it.

“Argo”
Pixar’s newest film. Something about Iran and Canada. I’m guessing a Persian cat befriends a moose that has accidentally wandered into Toronto and they start a hair salon or fly a plane. Whatever it is, it’s probably adorable and Ben Affleck is all over the news for his debut as a voice actor.

“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” 
They’re still making these? As a quick aside. I know you think epic adventures are awesome. “Lord of the Rings,” “Star Wars,” “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle,” are instant classics… Blah blah blah.

Epic adventures stress me the fuck out. You guys realize that these characters are having the WORST DAYS EVER… Right? Like, if you Luke Skywalker you’d be all, “WTF. I’m crashed on this ice planet and I have to sleep inside the carcass of this bear thing. Oh, yay, someone saved me but now I’m in this swamp and the dude that’s supposed to teach me shit is clearly deranged or at least from Central Florida, guessing by his accent, and at least there’s this hot chick – oh wait, she’s my sister. Fuck. This has not been my week.”

I only want two types of epic in my life – epically funny and epically drunk.

“Lincoln” 
Oh! I know this one. It’s definitely about Nebraska.

Nailed it.

“Beasts of the Southern Wild”
Most recent adaptation of Where the Wild Things Are. The Dave Eggers/ Spike Jonez one was too weird so they went with Jonathan Franzen / Wes Anderson this time. Instead of the Yeahyeahyeahs, FUN. Did the soundtrack.

“Life of Pi” 
Another documentary about fast food and corporate farming? Are you kidding me? Look, I saw Food Inc., I even liked it, but I get it already… Everything is evil and killing me. All I care about is how sad the chickens looked.

“Django Unchained”
Something about racism. I think Jamie Foxx is in it but I’m not sure if he’s playing the serious actor role or crazy action hero role.
Or was that “Beasts of the Southern Wil” and Django is a Tyler Perry and/or Quentin Tarantino movie?

“Les Misérables”
Anne Hathaway is in it and she has some new haircut, so it’s definitely another movie where she plays an ugly duckling and gets a makeover. She’s the new Sandra Bullock, I called it when I saw “Devil Wears Prada.”

Sure, she looks busted now, but wait til 22 minutes in when she gets a makeover at Versailles!

“Zero Dark Thirty”
Ooooo! Definitely an alien movie. Probably based on a video game.

I know, I know… I’m surprisingly good at guessing exactly what these movies are about. It’s a talent, really. Maybe that’s why I’m so bored by them… I already know exactly what’s going to happen.

Peace, love and that’s enough thinking about movies for this year, 

BWCE

PS – Romcoms are exempt from my hatred, obvi.

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