I’ve been freaking out about bed bugs since I moved to New York. Sure, they don’t threaten your health, they don’t cause any particular harm other than itchy bumps in 70% of people, but they are massively inconvenient. They seemed bad, and then they seemed less bad. People no longer had to move, no mattresses were thrown out, they were just a minor inconvenience some people experienced.
Well, last week life gave me bed bugs. They’re not in my roommates’ rooms, my boyfriend isn’t allergic to their bites, they are my very own bed bugs. Allllll mine. I was settled into my bed with my laptop for a lazy Sunday afternoon, when right there new to me I found a full-grown bed bug, chillin’ on my pillow, re-watching season 2, episode 1 of Girls with me.
I GET IT BEDBUGS, A LOT OF YOUR FRIENDS LIVE IN BROOKLYN.
After spending the last week going through this experience, I’m shocked that every sitcom ever about New York hasn’t made a bed bug episode. Why was 30 Rock the only one to cover bed bug territory? The whole process is so annoying, there are so many opportunities for humor.
- If Friends had done it, it would be called “The One with All the Bed Bugs.”
- If How I Met Your Mother did it, there would be some awesome physical comedy involving Marshall and the laundromat.
- On Girls, Lena Dunham would schlep her bed buggy bags down the street, counting over her shoulder and getting hollered at by old Brooklyn men. She’d go to the laundromat and fight with her parents while waiting for her items to be heated to 120 degrees about how she definitely hadn’t infected their home on her most recent visit and how their throwing out her childhood bed was sending her into existential crisis.
I thought a lot about whether or not I should write about this on my blog, as I don’t particularly want to become a social pariah for the next three months, even though the no social obligations and excuse to constantly stay in ordering Seamless sounds kind of awesome. But then, on day three of taking conference calls while sitting next to a 120 heater that was cooking all of my personal belongings so I could vacuum pack all of them for the foreseeable future, I realized I HAD to talk about the bed bugs.
The only things online are tips and tricks, laments, scare tactics to keep you from movie theaters, hotels and Hollister (I support that one). No one tells you about the other stuff – about the moments of near insanity where you start turning all the rap songs you’re listening to into songs about bed bugs (it’s actually quite easy), about how cute the bed bug sniffing dog is and about the overwhelming desire to get totally shitfaced every night so you can fall asleep in a bed you imagine to be crawling with bugs but knowing you still have I go to work in the morning and vacuum packing things while hungover is hard.
So, I am embracing this experience with open arms (increasing airflow helps with the itching). Just as we walked together through surviving Valentine’s Day, feel free to join me in my attempt to beat bed bugs. Come back every day this week and you’ll get tips, tricks, songs and rants.
Peace, love and don’t get bed bugs I’m serious they are the worst I am losing my mind,