I got 99 problems, but bed bugs ain’t one

JK, they’re #1. Right up there with my waist being wider than my hips and the fact that I haven’t yet won the lottery. As a former aspiring songwriter (my saddest label) I like to make up songs about my life. “Where did you go/ My strainer” sung to the tune of No Mercy’s “Where do you go?” is on heavy rotation in my kitchen and “I don’t want to go to work,” my folk tune original has topped my Monday morning charts since 2010.

The bed bugs and all of the information I’ve learned about them have provided me with ample material for a host of songs. Ha ha, get it? Host. Because I’m being eaten alive in my own apartment… too soon?

Possible tag lines for the TV ad: “All the music you’ve been itching to hear” / “It’ll keep you up all night long!” / “Reality bites… your music shouldn’t”

Man, I miss CD compilations. If it were the nineties, I could be all –

FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, GET THIS YEAR’S TOP HITS. “NOW: THAT’S WHAT I CALL A BED BUG INFESTATION!!” IS AVAILABLE TODAY FOR ONLY $19.99. AND GUESS WHAT? THERE’S MORE! BUY IT IN THE NEXT TWO HOURS AND GET A PACK TITE TOO! THAT’S A $319.99 VALUE FOR ONLY $19.99!!

“Now: That’s What I Call a Bed Bug Infestation” features hits from today’s top artists:

Lil Wayne / Future / Drake – “My Bitches [bed bug sniffing dogs] Luv Me” 

Sample lyrics – “I’ve got dem bed bugs and rubbing alcohol / I’ve got an exterminator I can call / I don’t know what I would do witout OFF© / Ima heat things til they cannot crawl / That’s why my bitches luv me.” 

The Black Eyed Peas – “Where Are the Bugs?

Sample lyrics – “I’ve been itchin’ / I ain’t lyin’ / I can’t sleep and I feel like cryin’ / I’m so grossed out I could shriek / I think a bed bug bit my cheek / Pest Pro, Pest Pro, Pest Pro, help me / Send some an expert who wears gloves / I’ve been lookin’ but I’m still questioning / Where are the bugs?” 

PSY – “Bed Bug Style

Sample lyrics – ” Najeneun ttasaroun inganjeogin yeoja / Keopi hanjanui yeoyureul aneun pumgyeok inneun yeoja / Bami omyeon simjangi tteugeowojineun yeoja / Geureon banjeon inneun yeoj / EHHHH Rashy Lady / Op, Op, Op / Oppa Bed Bug Style” 

I wish this were a real

Justin Timberlake – “Pack & Tite

Sample lyrics – “I be always packing my shit tite / shit tite / I can’t wait til I can move outta my apartment / Been heatin’ fabric so much / It’s hot like an oven…”

Taylor Swift – “Trouble (I Knew You Had Bed Bugs When You Walked In)

Sample lyrics – “I knew you had bed bugs when you walked in / So shame on me now / You’ve been shopping at thrift stores againnnn / Keep your blankets on the ground oh / I knew you had bed bugs when you walked in / So shame on me now / Should have sent you vacuum-packing / Now I’m throwing all my bedding out!” 

The video to that one is great because it opens with a minute and a half of Taylor dramatically inspecting her suitcase after returning from a stay at the Ritz Carlton while talking about how she felt compelled to keep it on the floor even though she’d been burned before. Something about the carpeting was calling to her.

AND OF COURSE, WHAT ULTIMATE COMPILATION WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT ALL YOUR FAVORITE GOLDEN CLASSICS:

Journey – “Don’t Stop Your Steaming”

Aretha Franklin – “B.I.T.I.N.G.ME”

The Beatles – “We Can Get Them Out”

Britney Spears – “Oops! They Bit Me Again”

Frank Sinatra – “Strangers in the Night” (I know, too easy!)

Carly Simon – “You’re so Vein (I bet you think that they’re gonna bite you)”

ACT NOW OR MISS OUT ON THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY TO GET YOUR COPY OF “NOW: THAT’S WHAT I CALL A BED BUG INFESTATION!” AND YOUR VERY OWN PACK TITE!

CALL US IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES AND WE’LL THROW IN A NOW RUBBING ALCOHOL SPRAY BOTTLE!

Peace, love and call 1-800-got-bugs to buy now, 

BWCE

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3 thoughts on “I got 99 problems, but bed bugs ain’t one

  1. Mooselicker says:

    I wish I was more familiar with this music to appreciate everything. I’m almost hoping for a huge bed bug outbreak just so you can make a GangNam Style parody video that goes viral.

    • Wearing a bed bug costume and a powder blue suit to create this parody video could be amazing.

      New plan: Attempt to harvest the bed bugs from the poison they are currently dying in so I can create a massive outbreak. Hire you to direct the video. We both achieve the internet fame we’ve been expecting all these years.

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