Lesser Known Tactics for Pest Control

My pest situation has officially been treated! A dude came to my apartment, showed me the art of home inspection (he told me I have a good eye. Win), we killed some bed bugs together and then he (hopefully) brought down the BED BUG APOCALYPSE on my room. I keep imagining that episode of South Park with the lice and hoping that’s how they feel, but that there isn’t some sort of rebel camp where a few have survived.

Anyway, the next few months of my life will be dedicated to vacuuming everything I own and pulling all of my clothing out of the giant plastic bags they’re stored in. I think so far the worst part of having bed bugs has been the knowledge of how suddenly it happens. One day, you’re sleeping soundly and using your floor as an extra shelf for all your personal belongings and all of the sudden you finding yourself hyperventilating every time that someone brushes up against you in a public place.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is a small thing in life. Shootings, bombings, cancer, even getting your heart broken are all things that are worse than bed bugs. Brains don’t really work like that though (at least mine doesn’t), and it’s hard to keep things in perspective. So, as usual, the only way that I can think to cope with the fear of the bed bugs returning is to think of them as my 5th through 27th roommates. If they do return, I will try my hardest to be the worst roommate ever to the bed bugs. After all, I know how to annoy my human roommates… it can’t be that much harder to annoy insects. Right?

Here’s what I’ve come up with so far. Let me know if you’ve got any suggestions in the comments section!

Exclude them from social activities: 

“OMG you guys! Last night was so much fun!! Such a great ROOMIE NIGHTTTTT- oh, uh. Hey bed bugs. I didn’t realize you were here. Well, this is awkward. It’s just that we met up with Janine and given your history we thought it might be a little awk. It’s ok though, you didn’t really miss all that much or anything.”

Everyone knows that bed bugs are the type to bring cheap champagne to the party and the drink the expensive kind that someone else brought.

Freak them out:

I hate when people try to scare me. One time my little brother snuck up behind me while I was cleaning my car in the dark and I almost broke his nose by hitting him so hard with a roll of paper towels.  So just when you know they’re nice and cozy, maybe sometime around noon when the sun is up and they’re sleeping in your bed frame, yell at the top of your lungs and shake the bed –

Then be like “JK DUDES, OMG you guys should have seen your faces! Classic.”

Leave your mess for them to clean up:

I wonder how they feel about crumbs in the bed?


Passive aggressive fridge notes:  

Those are the worst!

I’d make sure to use the phrase “Please advise” as much as possible

And if all else fails, make fun of what they’re wearing:

They’re bound to be offended

“You’re STILL wearing that? I don’t really know what you’re going for with this whole 1930s, pre-DDT thing…”

Peace, love and you could try learning violin as a hobby… that might work too… Suzuki kids know what I mean, 


3 thoughts on “Lesser Known Tactics for Pest Control

  1. Lynn says:

    And Suzuki parents too.

  2. Claude says:

    Ant farm keyboard

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