A couple weeks ago, I had a physical. I’m not proud to say it, but it had been YEARS since I’d gotten any sort of check up done prior to the start of this year. The physical was the last thing on my list, because it was the most terrifying to me. So when I went back to the doctor and he pulled out my chart, the conversation went like this:
“Ms. Peón, it seems that you have…” there was a long pause, and my paranoid hypochondriac brain snapped into action –
Premature shingles – it’s probably from going to bed early too often, your body thinks you’re 87
A rare form of cancer that affects only the hair follicles on your knees
Hillary Duff arms – no matter how thin you get, they’ll look fat like that forever
You’re actually a hermaphrodite, we just never noticed
Nicklebackenitis – this rare ear deformity where all music slowly starts to sound like Nickleback songs
Gangrene – you know this was bound to happen
Acute onset adult tourettes
A twin you absorbed as a fetus that’s now growing inside you as your own baby
Something science hasn’t discovered yet, but it looks baaaaaaaad
By the end of the ~2.5 second pause, I’d accepted the hair follicle cancer and already was feeling proud of myself for the way I was going to handle it. I’d become a women’s rights activist, fighting against the oppressive societal construct of shaving one’s legs. I’d change lives. XOJane would interview me – “Sure,” I’d say while browsing knee wigs in a specialty store in the East Village, “I never had hair on my knees before. But I didn’t UNDERSTAND the pressures I was caving to. Women need to celebrate the hair they have. It took being diagnosed with this terrible illness for me to realize it, but it’s my hope that for future generations it won’t have to come to that.” I’m so brave.
“Ms. Peón, it seems that you have… a SEVERE vitamin B12 and D deficiency.”
Oh… that makes sense.
His follow up question made me feel good about myself, although there’s no reason why it should have.
“Are you a vegetarian?”
“Um, no, not exactly. Sometimes my boyfriend and I try to be vegan during the week.” I’M SO VEGAN I GAVE MYSELF A VITAMIN DEFICIENCY.
“Oh, well that could be it. Other things like spicy food and alcohol can do it too.”
“…It’s definitely the vegan thing.”
The interesting thing about finding out there’s something “wrong” with me that I didn’t know about is that I immediately started using it to justify my shortcomings.
SO THAT’S WHY I ORDERED THE CALZONE IN MY SLEEP AND FORGOT ABOUT IT!
NO WONDER WHY I’VE BEEN HAVING WEIRD DREAMS EVERY NIGHT. The dream last night about the tattoo I got on my hip of a pelican riding a unicycle. Totally a vitamin deficiency dream.
I just want you guys to know that this is quite possibly the WORST photo ever taken of me. I was 20, and someone gave me a raptor-esque hair cut AND my hair at the time was kind of purple AND I had gained some weight during study abroad, probably from eating whatever it was I was eating in the photo. You’re welcome.
So anyway, now I have to use some weird prescription nasal spray to like, mainline vitamins or something. Sorry I didn’t have a regular post for today making fun or rap or something, IT’S BECAUSE I HAVE A VITAMIN DEFICIENCY.
Peace, love and knee wigs,