So This is Why They Pay Beauty Bloggers the Big Bucks

For all of the time I spend reading beauty blogs, I only attempt to execute the things I read about once in a blue moon. Last winter, I discovered the sock bun (late, I know) and as it was one of the first DIY things I was actually able to do myself, my DIY confidence overinflated almost immediately.

The sock bun opened up a whole new world of beauty blog possibilities. Fuck, if I could take a sock and turn my generally disgusting, curly/wavy/I-don’t-really-know-what’s-happening-but-usually-I-can’t-brush-it hair into a perfectly sculpted little circle on the top of my head, then bring on the braids! Since then I’ve been reading every DIY hair article I found and vowing that I would one day purchase bobby pins so I could try it out.

So today, while upgrading my operating system (forced time away from the internet) I decided that I was going to try a simple updo I found online.

Taken from LoveMyHairstyle1.blogspot.com. “So easy you won’t even believe it! Makes you look like a delicate porcelain doll!

I was totally ready to have the best hair at the coffee shop today.

Step 1 seemed easy enough: Give your hair some texture. OH. DONE. I have got this motherfucker. The thing I didn’t take into account was the fact that I have the wrong type of texture. Remember those Garnier Fructis ads where the chick has crazy bad hair and then Garnier transforms it into super sleek, perfect hair? Yeah, this is what I look like AFTER using their hairspray:

Also, no one starts singing that “Woo Woo!” song in the background when I use the hairspray. Sadness.

Ok, so confession time. The texture issue is only exacerbated by the fact that I haven’t had a professional haircut in over a year. Earlier this year I bought some professional scissors and gave myself a haircut with the idea that, “Hey! If Beyonce can cut her own hair, then I can too!”

What were you thinking, March 2013 Tiffany? BEYONCE IS A GODESS AND YOU ARE A MERE PAUPER. Anyway, after my attempt and several months of after growth, I have something that I can only imagine are split split ends. The ends of my hair have split so many times that they’ve rejoined each other and created some sort of spider web ends.

Here you go:

This is freshly brushed hair. Sometimes I find pieces of lint fused into the hair. Also, check out my double chin. How does anyone take a cute selfie? 

I figured, I’m sure it will look good if I put it up in a messy bun. So I proceeded to roll the bramble into a bun and hide it with a bunch of pins.

I’m pretty sure this is NOT how the top of my head was supposed to look. I’m not even sure what part is the front or the back. 

To add insult to injury, the blogger’s hair is about two feet longer than mine, making her braids long enough to wrap all the way around her head, while mine ended precisely in the center of my head, their tiny, ragged ends jutting up like antennae.

I took down the hair, tried again and failed even harder. BUT, my operating system was still installing so I trudged onward, attempting a simple spiral top knot.

From A Cup of Jo. So not as easy as the sock bun.

Luckily, my ends weren’t the issue for this style. Unfortunately, my hair positioned itself in a shape that distinctly resembled the pile of poop Emoji.

Maybe if I got some googly eyes I could make it cute?

Next up was the one where you can turn your hair into a bow, but that looked a lot like Mini Mouse ears on me –

I also realized that I get a super creepy, intense face while focusing on taking a selfie.

And so I landed on this bizarre, made up side bun. I put makeup on to make myself look more professional, but since I don’t have a statement lipstick I’m pretty sure I failed at that too.

Seriously, this is the best thing I could do. I wish I had a sock right now.

In order to make it seem legit, I added a braid.

A FISHTAIL BRAID TO BE EXACT.

So here’s what I have learned from this little experiment:

  • Selfies are hard.
  • Beauty bloggers are super humans with hair that’s at least 6 feet long and naturally super straight.
  • I need to get a real haircut.
  • NEVER, NEVER, NEVER attempt something because you heard Beyonce can do it. That’s how people get killed.

Peace, love and I’m going to go back to doing something I’m not 100% terrible at now, 

BWCE

PS – Back before the days of DIY hairstyles, I was obsessed with the Olsen twin’s TV show Two of a Kind. It was a period where we’d just moved and I had no friends, so having a twin with whom I could swing dance and have awesome adventures sounded ideal. I was obsessed with twins for half of 7th grade. Anyway, they had some CRAZY hairstyles and I once attempted to mimic one on a trip to the mall with my new friends. The weird side buns I created looked like something Miley Cyrus would wear and my friends later told me how much they made fun of me. Hairstyle fails and I go way back.

 

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One thought on “So This is Why They Pay Beauty Bloggers the Big Bucks

  1. […] this will definitely be the most useful DIY/Lifestyle post I do, because, as you know, I’m pretty much terrible at DIY anything and don’t even get me started on fashion […]

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