With the rate that technology is advancing, I feel like I can wish for almost anything hard enough and by 2015, it’ll exist. Here are some things I’d like to have:
Sure, I have a boyfriend now, but I’ve heard rumors that unmarried women in New York are dumped by their significant other on their 30th birthday, and are then welcomed into spinsterhood and gifted a cat and a pair of mom jeans. This *might* be a rumor, but I like to be prepared. By my 30th birthday in 2015, I’m gonna need a hologram boyfriend, science.
This has got to be right around the corner, I mean by 2008 we had the worst choice for a first public hologram ever, Will.I.AM.
CNN, I will never forgive you for this
Since we clearly don’t care that much about holograms, despite the fact that they seemed like they’d be THE HEIGHT OF SCIENTIFIC ACCOMPLISHMENT to 80s kids like me, there’s got to be some sort of DIY hologram kit in the works. Think about it: you’re going to a wedding or a holiday party and you don’t have a date (re: cats, mom jeans, spinsterhood)… Don’t fear! With the help of Hologram Boyfriend (patent pending), just glue your hologram projector to your shoe and voila! Instant boyfriend.
I’d imagine that the biggest challenge here is generating the movements and mannerisms of each different hologram boyfriend prototype. I’m not picky, though. I’ll reuse hologram Tupac.
Look at how much fun we had together last Christmas!
Of course, I’m a realist, so I understand that even human-hologram couples have their issues.
“Hologram Tupac! Where are your manners?! Put on a shirt!”
In the end though, we’d always work it out. Or I could turn him off.
Seriously, why hasn’t anyone made hologram boyfriends yet? To the computer genius who is reading this blog and one day owns the patent to hologram boyfriends, you owe me at like half of your net worth. You’re welcome.
Remote into a party –
Ok, so maybe faking a relationship by the use of lasers isn’t your thing. I get it, you’re a romantic like that. There should still be ways to avoid all those social events you really don’t want to go to, or even ways to get the best of both worlds – interacting at a cocktail party, seeing everyone you want to see from the comfort of your own home.
My ideal version of this technology involves using one of those iChat type backgrounds as the foreground, basically superimposing my face into a thinner, made up version of myself. I’d love to “attend” an event looking ten pounds lighter, my hair perfectly coiffed, in designer clothing I can’t afford, all while sitting on my couch, wearing my favorite sweats and chowing down on a burrito.
Zombie Apocalypse endings to all your favorite shows –
If we’re all in agreement, we could make this happen pretty soon, guys. Think about it: It’s season 8 of your favorite show, and the plot lines are starting to get super boring. I say if enough criticism exists and ratings drop below a certain point, TV writers should be FORCED to set the rest of the show in a zombie apocalypse.
How much better would last season of How I Met Your Mother have been? They can set their own zombie apocalypse rules, the characters can survive and restore the world, but having Ted’s last line to the show be, “and kids, that’s How I Met Your Mother… When she shot your aunt zombie Robyn in the face with a bazooka right before she bit me in the neck. Obviously uncle Barney became a mad scientist and was able to get the antidote to her before it was too late.
It would be Legen-wait-for-the-zombie-apocalypse-to-end-DARY
Control top panty hose that doesn’t push all your fat above the control top –
I mean, science. Have you really not figured this out yet? I feel that by 2025 I should no longer have to buy panty hose size quadruple Z (which according the the size guide is for a 4’7′, 327 pound woman, yet it STILL gives me a muffin top). I’m getting really sick of the weird looks from the checkout girl at Walgreens.
Personal climate control bubble –
Really, I’m surprised Brookstone didn’t come up with one of these a long time ago. So, one of the things about living in a driving city (ATL REPRESEENNNNNNTTTT) is that we never have to worry about the weather, except for those three minutes a day we spend walking to and from our cars. Most of that is done in garages though anyway. I’m pretty sure this is why the south doesn’t care about global warming. Outside is that thing you see from a window of your house or car while the air conditioning is gloriously showing your face with recycled air.
So! Rather than fix global warming (too many Republicans… seems hard), we should create climate control bubbles for everyone. While the primary use would be on the street when it’s raining — because fuck umbrellas those things are the worst — there are so many other uses! A.) In your office when the heat is turned on too high, B.) On the train when someone smells like Paris Hilton’s perfume, C.) In the snow, D.) In any public restroom, ever.
That eye makeup machine Milla Jovovich uses in The 5th Element-
And while we’re at it those pills that turn into rotisserie chicken in the microwave, too. Actually, forthcoming – an entire blogpost dedicated to how amazing The 5th Element was.
Trying to find a picture of this scene by Googling, “Chicken. Good.” led me to way too many pics of delicious-looking rotisserie chicken and now I just want chicken.
Background music to the songs I make up in my head –
After two choruses of “Where did you go, my house keys?!” the song I sing to all missing items I’m trying to find, I realized how much better it would be if No Mercy’s background vocals and that thumping pop synth would be really helpful. Particularly because it always gets stuck in my head and then I’m left singing “Where did you go, my Metrocard?” for hours afterwards and I look like a weirdo on the street.
Augmented reality should get even more real –
If you’re thinking, “AugmentedWTF?!” here are some examples –
T-rex attack, rapper shark attack and blazing sour patch dudes brought to you by Snaps!
These pics are examples of augmented reality – basically something that allows you to superimpose graphics onto pictures of your stuff. With this particular app, you can get prizes and stuff for it too. OH AND BTW YOU SHOULD GO VOTE FOR IT ON THIS WEBSITE – http://projects.wsj.com/soty/rankings. Seriously, vote for Snaps!, it’s my friend Austin’s app.
BUT ANYWAY, Snaps! would be the perfect platform for what I want. Which is basically an augmented-er reality. My phone is with me for pretty much every choice that I make in my life, so if it could reach out of the screen and slap me for every bad decision I make, I would be a better person for it.
“Step away from the overpriced eyeliner”
Now that I think of it, Google Glass has probably already created all of these technologies. Can someone please send me a pair??
Peace, love and hologram Tupac,