Category Archives: Internets

All I want for my Christmas is a 2 Chainz Christmas Album

Seriously though. I’ve been Googling for a solid 5 minutes and it seems as though 2 Chainz has yet to capitalize on the Christmas season. 2 Chainz, if you’re listening (you’re not but a girl can dream), I’m as full of ideas for you as I am homemade Chex Mix and soy nog – 

  • The birthday song revamped could go two ways – You could like, sing about Jesus’ birthday and all he wants for his bday is to save mankind or something OR you could change it to being about all you want for Christmas is a big booty HoHoHo. It’s too easy, 2 Chainz.
  • It’s Christmas. Yeah. It’s Christmas.
  • CAN YOU PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD USE A MARIAH CAREY SAMPLE. The only use of “All I Want For Christmas(is you)” in a rap song is this So So Def remix. Criminal.
  • 2 Chainz Christmas Cookbook along with the album. We know 2 Chainz can cook. So really, what else is there to say?

You’re welcome, 2 Chainz.

P.S. – If you feel like going down a Christmas-themed rabbit hole, start with a Google image search of “Santa Big Butt” and let the magic happen. You’re pretty much guaranteed to end up in “Santa Butt Plug Statue” land somewhere along the way.

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So This is Why They Pay Beauty Bloggers the Big Bucks

For all of the time I spend reading beauty blogs, I only attempt to execute the things I read about once in a blue moon. Last winter, I discovered the sock bun (late, I know) and as it was one of the first DIY things I was actually able to do myself, my DIY confidence overinflated almost immediately.

The sock bun opened up a whole new world of beauty blog possibilities. Fuck, if I could take a sock and turn my generally disgusting, curly/wavy/I-don’t-really-know-what’s-happening-but-usually-I-can’t-brush-it hair into a perfectly sculpted little circle on the top of my head, then bring on the braids! Since then I’ve been reading every DIY hair article I found and vowing that I would one day purchase bobby pins so I could try it out.

So today, while upgrading my operating system (forced time away from the internet) I decided that I was going to try a simple updo I found online.

Taken from LoveMyHairstyle1.blogspot.com. “So easy you won’t even believe it! Makes you look like a delicate porcelain doll!

I was totally ready to have the best hair at the coffee shop today.

Step 1 seemed easy enough: Give your hair some texture. OH. DONE. I have got this motherfucker. The thing I didn’t take into account was the fact that I have the wrong type of texture. Remember those Garnier Fructis ads where the chick has crazy bad hair and then Garnier transforms it into super sleek, perfect hair? Yeah, this is what I look like AFTER using their hairspray:

Also, no one starts singing that “Woo Woo!” song in the background when I use the hairspray. Sadness.

Ok, so confession time. The texture issue is only exacerbated by the fact that I haven’t had a professional haircut in over a year. Earlier this year I bought some professional scissors and gave myself a haircut with the idea that, “Hey! If Beyonce can cut her own hair, then I can too!”

What were you thinking, March 2013 Tiffany? BEYONCE IS A GODESS AND YOU ARE A MERE PAUPER. Anyway, after my attempt and several months of after growth, I have something that I can only imagine are split split ends. The ends of my hair have split so many times that they’ve rejoined each other and created some sort of spider web ends.

Here you go:

This is freshly brushed hair. Sometimes I find pieces of lint fused into the hair. Also, check out my double chin. How does anyone take a cute selfie? 

I figured, I’m sure it will look good if I put it up in a messy bun. So I proceeded to roll the bramble into a bun and hide it with a bunch of pins.

I’m pretty sure this is NOT how the top of my head was supposed to look. I’m not even sure what part is the front or the back. 

To add insult to injury, the blogger’s hair is about two feet longer than mine, making her braids long enough to wrap all the way around her head, while mine ended precisely in the center of my head, their tiny, ragged ends jutting up like antennae.

I took down the hair, tried again and failed even harder. BUT, my operating system was still installing so I trudged onward, attempting a simple spiral top knot.

From A Cup of Jo. So not as easy as the sock bun.

Luckily, my ends weren’t the issue for this style. Unfortunately, my hair positioned itself in a shape that distinctly resembled the pile of poop Emoji.

Maybe if I got some googly eyes I could make it cute?

Next up was the one where you can turn your hair into a bow, but that looked a lot like Mini Mouse ears on me –

I also realized that I get a super creepy, intense face while focusing on taking a selfie.

And so I landed on this bizarre, made up side bun. I put makeup on to make myself look more professional, but since I don’t have a statement lipstick I’m pretty sure I failed at that too.

Seriously, this is the best thing I could do. I wish I had a sock right now.

In order to make it seem legit, I added a braid.

A FISHTAIL BRAID TO BE EXACT.

So here’s what I have learned from this little experiment:

  • Selfies are hard.
  • Beauty bloggers are super humans with hair that’s at least 6 feet long and naturally super straight.
  • I need to get a real haircut.
  • NEVER, NEVER, NEVER attempt something because you heard Beyonce can do it. That’s how people get killed.

Peace, love and I’m going to go back to doing something I’m not 100% terrible at now, 

BWCE

PS – Back before the days of DIY hairstyles, I was obsessed with the Olsen twin’s TV show Two of a Kind. It was a period where we’d just moved and I had no friends, so having a twin with whom I could swing dance and have awesome adventures sounded ideal. I was obsessed with twins for half of 7th grade. Anyway, they had some CRAZY hairstyles and I once attempted to mimic one on a trip to the mall with my new friends. The weird side buns I created looked like something Miley Cyrus would wear and my friends later told me how much they made fun of me. Hairstyle fails and I go way back.

 

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A Few Thoughts on the VMAs

Ok, I’ll bite. I haven’t really paid attention to the VMAs since 2007, but with all of the fuss over well, everything, I spent some time yesterday watching the recaps.

I have some thoughts: 

You could tell who was just a little to young to enjoy the *NSYNC reunion. 

Example: Members of One Direction (~19) vs. Taylor Swift (23). Either that or One Direction was jealous, I mean even Chris Kirkpatrick still had those moves down.

How much do the other members of *NSYNC hate JT? 

Like, so much… right? I was grinning like a school girl watching the reunion, but seriously that was basically just an excuse for Justin to get a few breaths in after all that dancing so “Suit & Tie” would sound good.

I think I’m supposed to say something about Lady Gaga, but I simply can’t bring myself to care. 

I liked her mermaid thing?

How come no one is talking about what Robin Thicke is doing… to fashion? 

Yesterday morning my inbox was filled with all my favorite clothing sites boasting their “hip black and white pants.”

No. Clothing companies. Just. No.

I know everyone was harping on the Beetlejuice thing, but this getup reminded me of the girl in the popular group (there’s one at every school) who doesn’t fit the quiet, blonde, cheerleader mold. I spent the greater half of middle school and ninth grade trying to figure out why exactly she was allowed into the group and all I could come up with is that she was really good at volleyball and she was a team manager for JV Basketball. Remember that girl? Remember her statement pants? Robin Thicke got those pants from that girl.

Please, NastyGal.com, don’t make us go back there.

YOU GUYS, KANYE WAS TOTALLY NORMAL.  

Kanye didn’t do anything crazy. He performed, interrupted no award and probably went home to his baby. Is this a new leaf for Kanye? I really hope not, because I sure as hell love Givenchy-Kilt-Relationship Kanye.

And then of course, there was… Twerkpocalypse:

miley cyrus, twerking on big ben. scary dinosaur included.

I threw the dinosaur in there because he seems like he and Miley have a lot in common.

Feminism, slut-shaming, our nation’s morality is in shambles, blah blah blah. Everyone’s covered that stuff and I’m sure their opinions are more informed either way. GOOD. I don’t want to use big words.

Things I noticed/ thought during the performance and its aftermath:

  1. The Furry community is remaining eerily quiet.
  2. Which came first: The Miley Cyrus nude bikini or the American Apparel nude bikini?
  3. My working list of potential Cyrus/Thicke-themed Halloween costumes: The obvious couples costume is going as the pair — bonus points if the guy dresses as Miley; solo acts can go as Miley’s tongue; groups can include the furries; even larger groups can go as MC, RT, the furries, Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez, and The Parent’s Television Council.
    I call dibs on Billy Ray Cyrus’ tweet about Syria.
  4. All of this could have been avoided if someone had just taught Ms. Cyrus how to dougie.

Peace, love and I’m still listening to “Blurred Lines”, 

BWCE

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Wishlist for 2015

With the rate that technology is advancing, I feel like I can wish for almost anything hard enough and by 2015, it’ll exist. Here are some things I’d like to have:

Hologram boyfriend- 

Sure, I have a boyfriend now, but I’ve heard rumors that unmarried women in New York are dumped by their significant other on their 30th birthday, and are then welcomed into spinsterhood and gifted a cat and a pair of mom jeans. This *might* be a rumor, but I like to be prepared. By my 30th birthday in 2015, I’m gonna need a hologram boyfriend, science. 

This has got to be right around the corner, I mean by 2008 we had the worst choice for a first public hologram ever, Will.I.AM.

CNN, I will never forgive you for this

Since we clearly don’t care that much about holograms, despite the fact that they seemed like they’d be THE HEIGHT OF SCIENTIFIC ACCOMPLISHMENT to 80s kids like me, there’s got to be some sort of DIY hologram kit in the works. Think about it: you’re going to a wedding or a holiday party and you don’t have a date (re: cats, mom jeans, spinsterhood)… Don’t fear! With the help of Hologram Boyfriend (patent pending), just glue your hologram projector to your shoe and voila! Instant boyfriend.

I’d imagine that the biggest challenge here is generating the movements and mannerisms of each different hologram boyfriend prototype. I’m not picky, though. I’ll reuse hologram Tupac.

Look at how much fun we had together last Christmas!

Of course, I’m a realist, so I understand that even human-hologram couples have their issues.

“Hologram Tupac! Where are your manners?! Put on a shirt!”

In the end though, we’d always work it out. Or I could turn him off.

Seriously, why hasn’t anyone made hologram boyfriends yet? To the computer genius who is reading this blog and one day owns the patent to hologram boyfriends, you owe me at like half of your net worth. You’re welcome.

Remote into a party

Ok, so maybe faking a relationship by the use of lasers isn’t your thing. I get it, you’re a romantic like that. There should still be ways to avoid all those social events you really don’t want to go to, or even ways to get the best of both worlds – interacting at a cocktail party, seeing everyone you want to see from the comfort of your own home.

My ideal version of this technology involves using one of those iChat type backgrounds as the foreground, basically superimposing my face into a thinner, made up version of myself. I’d love to “attend” an event looking ten pounds lighter, my hair perfectly coiffed, in designer clothing I can’t afford, all while sitting on my couch, wearing my favorite sweats and chowing down on a burrito.

Zombie Apocalypse endings to all your favorite shows –

If we’re all in agreement, we could make this happen pretty soon, guys. Think about it: It’s season 8 of your favorite show, and the plot lines are starting to get super boring. I say if enough criticism exists and ratings drop below a certain point, TV writers should be FORCED to set the rest of the show in a zombie apocalypse.

How much better would last season of How I Met Your Mother have been? They can set their own zombie apocalypse rules, the characters can survive and restore the world, but having Ted’s last line to the show be, “and kids, that’s How I Met Your Mother… When she shot your aunt zombie Robyn in the face with a bazooka right before she bit me in the neck. Obviously uncle Barney became a mad scientist and was able to get the antidote to her before it was too late.

It would be Legen-wait-for-the-zombie-apocalypse-to-end-DARY

Control top panty hose that doesn’t push all your fat above the control top –

I mean, science. Have you really not figured this out yet? I feel that by 2025 I should no longer have to buy panty hose size quadruple Z (which according the the size guide is for a 4’7′, 327 pound woman, yet it STILL gives me a muffin top). I’m getting really sick of the weird looks from the checkout girl at Walgreens.

Personal climate control bubble – 

Really, I’m surprised Brookstone didn’t come up with one of these a long time ago. So, one of the things about living in a driving city (ATL REPRESEENNNNNNTTTT) is that we never have to worry about the weather, except for those three minutes a day we spend walking to and from our cars. Most of that is done in garages though anyway. I’m pretty sure this is why the south doesn’t care about global warming. Outside is that thing you see from a window of your house or car while the air conditioning is gloriously showing your face with recycled air.

So! Rather than fix global warming (too many Republicans… seems hard), we should create climate control bubbles for everyone. While the primary use would be on the street when it’s raining — because fuck umbrellas those things are the worst — there are so many other uses! A.) In your office when the heat is turned on too high, B.) On the train when someone smells like Paris Hilton’s perfume, C.) In the snow, D.) In any public restroom, ever.

That eye makeup machine Milla Jovovich uses in The 5th Element- 

And while we’re at it those pills that turn into rotisserie chicken in the microwave, too. Actually, forthcoming – an entire blogpost dedicated to how amazing The 5th Element was.

Trying to find a picture of this scene by Googling, “Chicken. Good.” led me to way too many pics of delicious-looking rotisserie chicken and now I just want chicken.

Background music to the songs I make up in my head – 

After two choruses of “Where did you go, my house keys?!” the song I sing to all missing items I’m trying to find, I realized how much better it would be if No Mercy’s background vocals and that thumping pop synth would be really helpful. Particularly because it always gets stuck in my head and then I’m left singing “Where did you go, my Metrocard?” for hours afterwards and I look like a weirdo on the street.

Augmented reality should get even more real –

If you’re thinking, “AugmentedWTF?!” here are some examples – 

T-rex attack, rapper shark attack and blazing sour patch dudes brought to you by Snaps!

These pics are examples of augmented reality – basically something that allows you to superimpose graphics onto pictures of your stuff. With this particular app, you can get prizes and stuff for it too. OH AND BTW YOU SHOULD GO VOTE FOR IT ON THIS WEBSITE – http://projects.wsj.com/soty/rankings. Seriously, vote for Snaps!, it’s my friend Austin’s app.

BUT ANYWAY, Snaps! would be the perfect platform for what I want. Which is basically an augmented-er reality. My phone is with me for pretty much every choice that I make in my life, so if it could reach out of the screen and slap me for every bad decision I make, I would be a better person for it.

“Step away from the overpriced eyeliner”

Now that I think of it, Google Glass has probably already created all of these technologies. Can someone please send me a pair??

Peace, love and hologram Tupac, 

BWCE

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Maybe It’s Because I Need to Install My AC

I really can’t handle the Internet today. The past couple of days I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, for really no particular reason and my brain can’t really come up with anything exciting to say. Also I fell off my bike and got a gnarly knee scrape on Friday so I’ve been spending most of my free time bending/unbending my knee, Googling things like “IF I HAVE STAPH INFECTION HOW DO I KNOW? MY KNEE ISN’T RED,” and I think I’m making it hurt more by walking weird to overcompensate for the injury.

SO, in lieu of writing things, here are some links I think are important. I am mostly stealing things from other blogs:

The second coming of Allie – Allie’s blog, Hyperbole and a Half, is totally awesome/ Internet famous and she’s been gone for about a year. In her newest post she explained why. The Internet is so glad to have you back, Allie.

Turn things into cats – Hibben sent me this from the The Blogess. Click the link to make things cats.

Stephanie Georgopulos’ TC Favorites – I had the amazing experience of working with Stephanie when she edited my eBook, but long before that I was an avid reader of hers on Thought Catalog. I’m pretty sure Bring Your Hangover to Work Day was the piece that made me realize I needed to read Thought Catalog every. day. Now she’s moving on to Gawker, and she posted this collection on her Tumblr. I love every part of it.

Kanye hits head on sign, freaks out – Oh Kanye, I will never tire of your antics. Kisses.

There’s a new Vampire Weekend album out – It’s super rare than a band produces three great albums in a row. VW did it. They are so great. Get their album here.

Peace, love and why is my knee making that clicking sound?

BWCE

Talkin’ Bout My Generation: Millennials

I really need to buy photoshop. This powerpoint/paint combo is getting exhausting.

I usually try to avoid engaging in whatever happens to be The Conversation on the internet (unless it’s Kanye-related, duh) because if I start taking myself too seriously I’ll turn into a douche faster than the baby gremlin turned into all the scary gremlins.

Seriously, how do the cute ones turn into THAT?

BUT this time I have to chime in – peeps be hatin’ on my generation. TIME MAGAZINE BE HATIN’, GUYS. Actually, I haven’t read the full article (I know, bad blogger!) because I have to be a subscriber or actually buy a magazine so this isn’t really a commentary on what they wrote. I could be saying the same things, I have no idea. This is a collection of thoughts I realized I have about Millennials that was spawned by all the awesome photoshopped versions of the magazine cover. Also, if for some reason I offend people or seem preachy I’m pre-apologizing with this picture of my spirit animal, the bear –

Like me, the bear is fierce and sleeps for half of the year. We both enjoy waving at people and being talked to in baby voices. (pic from http://www.bearbabbleonline.com)

Ok, here we go. I have to be honest, at first I was like “WTF is Time Magazine? I’m too busy looking at myself in a mirror and writing about my feelings on the internets to know about these things.” But then I had a flashback from a repressed childhood memory – my house used to have these booklets of paper that were somehow interesting to my parents. I get it, they didn’t have Angry Birds back then.

Doesn’t it seem like every two months there’s some new article about Millennials?

Quit having a big lesbian crush on us already

Did people write this much about Gen X? No seriously, as a Millennial I don’t read anything I didn’t write myself, so it’s difficult to figure these things out.

As a generation, we’re pegged as lazy, entitled and narcissistic. My opinion is: Yes. I know people my age like that. I have at times been all of those things. I’m probably being at least one of those things right now, but there are a lot of other ways to describe Millennials and I’m not talking about the fact that we ALL hate the new Facebook.

Here are the things that I think are the best and worst part of our generation.

BEST: We know how to use a computer 

Seriously, older people, if I hear one more of you say “I’m just not a tech person” I’m going to go ballistic. The Internet is easy. You guys understood how to use card catalogs and kept rolodexes, you can certainly figure out how to update your browser to the newest version. My 80-something year old grandmother has a Facebook account.

WORST: Selfies

Translation for older people – a selfie is a photo someone takes of him/herself, usually making a “duck face” so their cheek bones will look more defined. Example –

We could do without 99% of these.

 BEST: We’re figuring it out

Graduating college in 2009 felt rough. Graduating with a Music Business degree felt ABSURD. The moment I realized that was when I was sitting in a college classroom and my professor, who was one a music industry hot shot, said “I dunno you guys. It’s different now… you’re just going to have to figure it out.” I’m pretty sure the entire class shared one thought at that moment – WHY THE F ARE WE PAYING $30K A YEAR?

I totally bailed on the music industry because that seemed hard, but I’m amazed by how many of my peers really did get music business jobs. They’re the very people who are figuring it out, and hopefully building it back up.

WORST: We think we’re “special”

Through nothing but good intentions, our baby boomer parents were too nice. Our parents were so good to us. We were told we could be whatever we wanted. Our finger painting skills rivaled Picasso. Exposure to the real word is a harsh reality for a lot of us. I think I spent my first few years of college being like “Y U NO THINK I’M MUSIC PICASSO?” For me this also happened with sick days at work. I didn’t understand why I no one believed that calling in for “a tickle in my throat” wasn’t code for hangover. It took me awhile to realize that no one but my sweet, loving parents cares about my ailments.

ADDITIONAL WORST: Overcorrecting to prove you don’t think you’re special 

There are people who go the other route and act irrationally strong – “If I pass out in the meeting, just slap me in the face. I’ve got a touch of menengitis, but it’s NBD.” Go home you sickly jerk.

BEST: We take on and deal with massive debt to get a higher education 

I’m so unbelievably lucky to not have any college debt (parents, u da u da best), but the reason I thought of this point is from watching one of my college roommates take on probably $100K in debt to get a music education degree. After she graduated, she got an office job that paid OK and quit after three days because she knew it would eat her soul and she wanted to use her degree. She worked at a restaurant for several years so she could work a side job doing what she loved for basically no money. She paid her rent, made loan payments and got an Amex so she could earn miles. She showed me her budgeting spreadsheets and I couldn’t believe how much of a financial boss she’d become in a matter of months. After a few years, she got a full time job teaching music.

WORST: We don’t have a big, unifying activist movement

Once, on an OkCupid date, a dude referred to “getting stoned and getting Family Guy back on the air” as a great activist feat of our generation. I deactivated my account the next day. Maybe it’s because a lot of the major barriers have been passed. Maybe we’re lazy? There’s gay rights and Occupy Wall Street, but I don’t think we’re doing any big Vietnam-esque stuff. Are we? Am I missing something?

BEST: We’re awesome at nostalgia

For stuff like Web 1.0 and the 90s, not like farms. Stuff like the Geocities-izer and basically every BuzzFeed article that’s not about cute animals.

WORST: We’re narcissistic

I’m really only saying this because it’s a major complaint against us. Isn’t everyone? If your diary from when you were twenty was publicly accessible, wouldn’t it be about you? Mine is in the form of a livejournal somewhere, and it’s definitely all about me. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent trying to find the link. Whenever I find it I will post.

I’m going to end on a positive – SERIOUSLY, WE’RE FIGURING IT OUT.

When I got my first job offer, I was sitting in a bathroom stall at my hostess job. My iPhone had pinged, and I was hoping that maybe someone in New York, the city in which I was already paying for an apartment despite living in Georgia, would hire me. Gen X people have told me about this thing called “hiring bonuses.” Like, people would PAY you to take a job. I cannot fathom that happening to anyone now. Every time I interview for a job, this is my thought process: “How much can I deduct from what I really think my salary should be to beat the person who interviewed before me without getting evicted? God I hope they didn’t go to an ivy. I’m so screwed. Can we fight to the death or something? I think I could take him.”

Jobs are hard to come by and the rent is too damn high. We’re told all the time that everything is hopeless. Even so, we are singing, blogging, tweeting and YouTubing our ideas out there. Are some of them shitty and self-involved? Hell yeah! Are some of them so awesome that they go viral? Hell fuckin’ yea. Besides, sometimes after a long day of working, it feels good to be a little narcissistic and look through all your old FB photos. So sue us. But seriously don’t because we don’t have any money.

Peace, love and who run the world? MILLENNIALS. (Ok, not yet… but one day?), 

BWCE

PS – Here’s another picture of a bear.

(Pic from amusingplanet.com)

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Feel Good Metrics

First off, I have a recommendation: I think you guys should read this post while listening to The Gorillaz “Feel Good Inc” because I’m about to talk about math and you might get bored.

So this week, I got kind of bummed out by some negative feedback the internet gave me on my eBook. It was a totally unexpected feeling, partially because I think I have a pretty thick skin but mainly because I’d set my personal expectations so low in the process of making it that I had literally not imagined a world in which strangers would  purchase (and review!) something I made.

I mainly feel disappointed in myself for caring. After all, the past three years of working in customer/client services has me used to being criticized on a daily basis. My first public review was actually from an angry drag queen on Yelp, who called me out personally for giving him the excuse that his flowers arrived late due to traffic (if for some reason you have found my blog, angry drag queen, I was not lying. Traffic was really bad that day). In general, criticism, even outright rage, hits an area of my brain that triggers an auto response –

Thank you for your feedback. I’m terribly sorry for any inconvenience and 100% understand your frustration. I am working tirelessly to remedy the situation. All the best, Tiffany.

So I was surprised when a couple hours after I happened upon the first piece of negative feedback that my Google searches started to match a pattern that is usually reserved for thinking I have AIDS or something.

God, I really hope Hannah deals with this on the next season of Girls so I can get some answers.

Obviously I know that this happens to anyone with even the smallest level of exposure (ie – me) and that means I’m lucky to have that level of exposure, blah blah blah all the things you can say to feel better. I also decided that I’m just going to stay away from that part of the internet for awhile.

All of these things are good ways of dealing with criticism, disappointment, whathaveyou. But you know what’s a better way? METRICS. So, I don’t think I talk about work much, but working in business has taught me a lot of valuable lessons. Most of them are related to numbers, planning and all other things that make me go “OMG CAN I PLEASE GO BACK TO LOOKING AT PICTURES OF PUPPIES OR CAN YOU AT LEAST PUT SOME GLITTER ON THE NEXT MEMO?” but that’s exactly why they’re helpful.

If you don’t know what metrics are, don’t worry, you can look at this really boring wikipedia link or you can just go with it because I’m going to very loosely (and possibly incorrectly) define them. Basically, if you’re a business and you are trying to show someone whether or not you’re doing well, you tell them “we are trying to succeed in X, Y and Z areas. Here are our target goals.” Then whenever it’s time to define whether or not you’re winning, you measure what you’ve done against what you expected to accomplish.

Learning about metrics (or at least creating my own reductionist version of them) has helped me accomplish several really important goals in the past two years. So this morning, when I was walking to work all cranky and self-doubty, repeating all the matras and telling myself PEOPLE HATED TWILIGHT TOO (I don’t know what Twilight was my go-to, because I’ve never read/seen it but whatever), I started thinking about how silly I was in departing from my own personal metrics.

So I created this method for defining how I should feel about a particular event in my life. I think that it should be applicable to all of you, whether it’s in relation to planning your weekend, looking back at your college experience or judging how you’re doing on your diet.

Define your metrics. What’s more important? What’s less important, but still significant? Also, you can’t have like a million metrics, let’s say you can pick no more than 5.

For me, when I found out I was going to have the opportunity to do an eBook, here were the top five things I cared about (in no specific order, yet):

  • Approval from a group of people that I see as an authority figure in the (online) conversation in which I want to be engaged
  • Opportunity to get new blog visitors
  • Getting to tell people I did something cool in 2013
  • Learning from doing something that seems really overwhelming
  • The approval of my blog readers / bffs

I then assigned a certain percentage to each of these metrics to weigh how much each one would matter in case one or more things fell short of my expectations. I’ve added money in there, because I found out I’d get a little bit of that at a certain point and obvi I always want new shoes/ more seamless web food.

Based off my criteria above, things are going pretty well! Above all else, I didn’t collapse into a heap of self-hatred and decided not to create my cool thing (I did this in college with a music thing, so I am painfully aware of my ability to self-destruct) and all other things have flowed from there.

So, why did I spend the first half of my week feeling like everything I’d done suddenly hinged on this thing I hadn’t even anticipated happening? It’s like my metrics were turned upside down and suddenly my criteria for judging my own personal success looked like this –

If I were a business and I went into a meeting with my investors, even if things were going well, I couldn’t be like, “HEY GUYS. Fuck all the things I told you I’d do! Look at this one thing I did!” Unless that one thing happened to be turn my company into a legal money printing machine, the investors would pull out. Or at least fire me and appoint a new CEO. Additionally, if I went into a business meeting and an investor was like, “HEY THIS ONE THING YOU DIDN’T DO.” I would have the ability to say, “Um, that’s not what I said I would do. Remember all these other goals I had that I hit?” Unless I was doing something illegal (and again losing all money), I’d probably get another quarter out of those dudes/dudettes.

So, when I’m (we’re) thinking about our goals in addition to the unexpected consequences of said goals, it’s important to adjust them according to our initial intentions. I like to think of it like this:

That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t take this new information into account. Like I said, I’m gonna hide from certain parts of the internet for awhile because it’s not particularly beneficial to deconstruct comments left by strangers in a public forum to the extent that it makes me never want to write anything ever again, BUT I have now for future projects that there are other factors (metrics!) to consider. Like, how will strangers perceive this thing I make? Will people comment on editing/ writing/ subject matter/ what they think of me as a human being? Do I care?

I suggest you try using (very simple) numbers the next time you’re feeling all in your head about something. By the way, the tool I use to make all my graphs is here: http://nces.ed.gov/nceskids/createagraph/. I think it’s like a kid’s math program, but I’ll take it.

In the meanwhile, here’s another example of my metrics theory. This is how I’m going to rank my weekend success. If I’m not too hungover, I may even report back on Monday.

I should have probably added something about watching SVU in here, but I can leave that for another weekend.

Oh, one last mushy gushy thing – all of you guys are the best and your liking, sharing, positive texts/FB messages/ Gchats/ etc mean more to me than anything else ever. If I were a rich person, I’d buy all of you a puppy (or kitty, if that’s your preference).

Peace, love and CINCO DE MAYO,

BWCE

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April Fool’s Do-over Day

I am a huge fan of April Fool’s Day. I wasn’t as a kid, mainly because everyone’s tricks were super lame, but since the internet April 1st just keeps getting better and better. My only issue is that every year I resolve to come up with some awesome prank, and every year I fail miserably. Sometimes I’ll have ideas that I’ll fail to execute out of a combination of laziness and fear that I’ll really piss someone off, other years (like this one) I’m without a single idea for a prank.

It’s similar to Halloween, where I’ll spend so much time trying to come up with an idea to no avail, and then days after Halloween the best idea ever will hit me. I think we need do-over days for both of these holidays, starting today.

I herby declare today April Fool’s do-over day. When your coworker is out to lunch, grab his or her headset, slather vaseline all over it and when he picks up the phone and gives you a WTF look jump out of your seat, run around the office in circles and scream “APRIL FOOL’S DO-OVER DAY! APRIL FOOL’S DO-OVER DAY!”

No one will ever fucking expect it.

Here are some other pranks I’ve come up with for you to execute today. Sure, everyone will hate you, but you will have the last laugh.

  • Change all of the clocks and calendars in your back to say April 1st. Wear the exact same thing you were wearing the morning prior. When your roommate walks out, strike up the exact same conversation you had the day before. Try to convince them they’re living in their own personal Groundhog’s Day. Once he’s called his psychiatrist and asked him to up his medication grab the phone from him and yell into the receiver, “JK IT’S JUST APRIL FOOL’S DO OVER DAY! DOC, THIS SHIT CRAY!”
  • Create an OkCupid profile using a picture of Ryan Gosling. Find your nemesis’ profile on the site. Begin messaging her, promising her that you really are Ryan Gosling and that you’re, “sick of the dating scene like everyone else and just want a nice girl like her to settle down with.” Convince her to meet you at a bar that night and then when she gets there be like, “APRIL FOOL’S DO-OVER, BITCH!”

  • Know someone on a diet? Replace all of the salad dressing in the fridge with mayo. When he’s complaining about the fact that he gained two pounds the following week, smile coyly and whisper under your breath, “April Fool’s do-over, fatty.” 

Or you can reenact what I did yesterday, which was fooling myself into believing that I had bed bugs, gutting my entire room and spending 1/3rd of the money in my bank account (it wasn’t very much to begin with) on a bed bug mattress cover and at the end of the day say a big JK APRIL FOOL’S DO OVER to yourself.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Peace, love and pranks, 

BWCE

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Blogatus

Since I made my resolution to post every Tuesday and Thursday earlier this year I have stuck with it. Unfortunately, this week I am in the midst of lots of other (exciting, I promise) writing things and I have used up all of posts I had in queue. SO, this week I am taking a blog hiatus. If you’re new to my blog, take a look around! I have tons and tons of old posts for you to read that I promise are way better than anything I could come up with today because my brain is totally fried.

Here are some of my favorite posts from the archives –

Crash dieting 101: In case you need some tips on getting ready for bathing suit season.

Let’s start a movement: In honor of whatever reason people keep posting the equal rights sign on Facebook, this is a post on why I’m anti-straight and pro-gay marriage.

Weekend anxieties: On why I should really never login to Facebook on a Sunday.

The lost texts: On my drunk texting problem, which, now that I’m in a relationship has become a drunk texting my parents / long lost friends problem. I’m not sure which is worse.

Peace, love and see you next week, 

BWCE

Because Everyone Wants that Effortless “Oh, I Just Tied This Button Down Around My Waist Because It’s Hot in Here” look.

So, I have a ton of stuff that I could be writing right now. Seriously, I have like five half-written posts, at least one video I want to make and also a bunch of Gchat conversations with people that could inspire a posts… But goshdarnit, I just don’t want to do ANY of that. Why, Tiffany, you ask? You’ve had such a good two weeks between getting on Thought Catalog (3 times, mo’fuckas!) and Seamless Web actually reading your open letter to them and as a result sending you goodies AND featuring you in their newsletter or something. You have every reason to excitedly blog!

Yes, you are right conscience/reader. You are so right. But you know what? I’m SO FUCKING EXCITED about all of this stuff that it’s been really difficult for me to concentrate on anything other than refreshing my (a) blog stats, (b) facebook page, (c) multiple Thought Catalog posts so I can read the comments. This week has felt like the longest week ever because I’m just waiting for Saturday when I can camp out in a Starbucks and do all this blog shit that’s on my mind.

Sometimes being so ambitious really gets in my way… JK, but I think that’s possibly the douchiest thing I’ve ever come up with before. I’m gonna say it some time and then sigh and look away and see if anyone slaps me in the face.

Anyway, because I can’t get my brain to function, I’m just going to let you in on how I’m spending my Wednesday night: Drinking bourbon and examining Rihanna’s foray into fashion and trying to figure out specific use cases for various articles of clothing.

“This navy zip front skirt with tied denim shirt is a cool ready-styled look – no effort needed!”

This is definitely something that people born after 1990 are purchasing, right? Like, the rest of us remember how not difficult it is to do this. Also, we never want to do it again. No matter how cool I found her in the 4th grade, I never want to look like I stepped out The Secret World of Alex Mack again.

“We’re seeing double with this cool take on mixing denim! With a huge spring trend ready-made, these double top jeans have an innovative spin on casual dressing.”

Ok, this is the image that every blog/site ever is talking about, but I MUST address it. I’m assuming this is for when you’re like, “UGH. I really don’t know if I should go for a hipster high waist thing or a casual, low rise skinny jeans thing. I also feel like wearing capris. OH WAIT I HAVE PANTS THAT ARE ALL THREE.”

Also, their copywriters are killing me. “A huge spring trend??” The first time I see a pair of these walking down Broadway I’m gonna have a massive bouncing/clapping fit and you guys are all going to hear about it.

Remember like three posts ago when I made fun of the overall shorts I was wearing?

The *genius* copywriters recommend that you wear it with the double pants. I KIND OF LIKE IT SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY HAPPENING TO ME AND WHATEVER IT IS, IT’S NO GOOD.

Now my brain just wants to know what it would look like if she put her right hand in the upper pocket but left the other where it is……

Onto my two favorite runway looks:

“I’m going to this theme party. Yeah, it’s Baywatch meets V.I.P.”

Ohhhh yeah, you see what I did there with my useless Pam Anderson knowledge?

I don’t really have a comment on this one, except that I’m desperately awaiting the Lady Gaga-RiRi feud when Gaga sees this and is like, “Wait? Why is RiRi copying what I wear all the time??”

………………………….

Ok, so the best part of all of this is DID YOU GUYS KNOW ALL OF THIS SHIT IS SOLD OUT?

I don’t know. I can’t. I’m dying.

Is this what getting old is like?

Do I simply not understand?

Are the youths wearing this?

I am having a third quarter-life crisis over here. AM I TOO OLD TO HAVE A QUARTER LIFE CRISIS BECAUSE I DON’T GET RIHANNA’S FASHION LINE?

Ok, I’m going to go hyperventilate in a corner until the bourbon kicks in, then try to put one pair of pants of the other.

Peace, love and I’ll get back to normal blogging next Tuesday, 

BWCE

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