Oh, OkCupid, you’re so classy…
This morning I received this voicemail from someone who used to message me on OkCupid last summer.
For the record, I’ve never met Jeremy OR sent him “naughty photos.”
I got home from work a little early today, so I’ve got enough energy to actually answer more than my daily allotment of two Match emails. As a result, I feel like I’m making some progress. This is good because I’m starting to get antsy – last time I signed up for Match I was bombarded by messages, and while I’ve received over 20 in the past week, that seems significantly less. I’m beginning to doubt that my generic, catch-all profile is working.
If this is really the case, I’ll be fairly impressed with the Men of Match for being less shallow than I assumed.
On the topic of the more shallow: Terrible profile guy responded to my message and asked if he could get my number so we could ‘talk on the phone sometime.’ I’ve never done this with a potential online date and I feel a bit skiddish. I really hate talking on the phone, and for some reason I’m more intimidated by talking to someone I might hate than the prospect of meeting someone I might hate.
Not that I have a choice in this matter. I have to say yes, especially this early on in my project. But let the record show that I’m not happy about it.
It’s Friday night so I run the risk of seeming totally lame by responding to emails right now. This is something I’m determined to measure – if I use the same responses on a Friday night versus a week night, am I less likely to get a response? Is being perceived as weekend plan-less a deterrent to the average online dater?
I’ve received 12 emails since I made my profile active around 11:30 last night, and I’m having a pretty good time wading through trying to find the best and worst messages. The good ones usually take time, but finding the worst takes diligence.
Almost every message I’ve received starts with: “I like your profile.”
I’m 99% sure this means I like your pictures, because there’s no way a profile as devoid of personality as mine would merit that opening comment. Anyway, after a bit of reading, wanting to stop reading, and making myself read some more, I finally found the worst of the evening.
His message was a fairly normal hello, but his profile… oh man.
Here’s an excerpt:
The Most Interesting Man in the WorldI’ve been expecting you… -I share the same birthday as G.W. Bush, 50 Cent, and the Dalai Lama, and I’m a combination of all three of them -When life gives me lemons, I make champagne -The next sentence is false. The previous sentence is true. -One hour of conversation with me is like four years of college -I can spin pillows on my finger and throw knives -I am a great poker…
I respond to his message and immediately after hitting send am recommended three new matches – one of those is my ex-boyfriend. I’m pretty upset with Match at this point. Really, Match? Is this what I’m paying you for? I thought I am paying for HOPE and all you’re giving me is DESPAIR.
And then I realized the heading above my matches:
“Check out these members like [the one you just emailed].”
To sum it up – Match.com compared the profile of someone I dated to the worst profile I could find.
Maybe I’ve only been looking at the pictures…
UWS, 11pm: An update on the soul-sucking process of signing up for an online dating site –
I’m lucky I’ve done this before. I’m too lazy after a 12-hour workday to actually find photos that make me look simultaneously beautiful, fun, down to earth and intelligent. I spent some time this evening surveying the profiles of my ‘competitors.’ Who are these girls who create online profiles? All of them love their family, friends, life but are looking for their special someone. They all love going out but equally enjoy a night in in their favorite sweatpants. They love to eat, but workout 5x a week and have PERFECT bodies. Where are these super fembots with shining personalities living? Definitely not on the Upper East Side like they claim.
I’ve spent the greater half of this evening stripping my profile of every bit of my personality. I replaced my Franzen reference with a mention of Nicholas Sparks and removed my alma mater in case music school seems a bit too edgy. After a lot of editing, this is what I came up with as a generic, catch-all profile (feel free to vomit. I did a little bit.) :
I’m friendly, open and I like to laugh – people always tell me I’m smiley. I’m happy that every year life keeps getting better. I’m from Atlanta and I’ve been in New York for a little over a year – this city is so amazing. I love going out as much as I love just spending a night in, drinking wine and watching chick-flicks with my girls!
I love my life, my job, my family and friends – I’m just missing that special someone. It’s all about the chemistry for me – if there’s no spark it’s not worth it! I’m a girly girl that will shop ‘til she drops but I can also be convinced to run. I have a great sense of humor and am looking for someone I can have a great time with no matter what.
When it comes down to it, I’m pretty sure my profile will rarely be read in full and that most men will contact me because of this picture of my legs:
I know. They’re fantastic. I’d wink at me too…
I felt a piece of me die tonight when I forked over $24 per month for the next three months, but I’m rationalizing the decision with this knowledge – I will make back my money and then some in free drinks in the months to come.
A year ago today I met my (now) ex-boyfriend. I’m aware that admitting my keeping track of dates no longer relevant showcases my inner crazy… but I’m a sentimental person. I’d just moved to the city and during the year of unemployment leading up to the move I’d perfected the art of serial dating. I moved blissfully from fling to fling, leaving each one only to fall immediately into the arms of someone else. None of them were particularly meaningful, but they all had their moments and I felt as if for once in my young adult life I was doing what I should be doing.
Upon reaching New York, I felt prepared for the big leagues – internet dating. I’d done such a good job of dating one person at a time, I was surely ready to date multiple people all at the same time. I had no intention of finding any meaning by setting up a Match.com profile, but was thrilled to embark on what I referred to as a ‘social experiment.’
On online date number two, I met the ex-boyfriend. I fell crazy person in love.
And then one day, as with so many of the things we love dearly in life, it ended as quickly as it began. My social experiment turned first adult love ended and I became That Girl Who Cries on the subway/ street/ in cabs/ in the bathroom at work/ at the sight of a happy couple/ at the sight of a fighting couple/ while eating sandwiches late at night/ and really about every night. You name a place in Manhattan, I’ve probably cried there. You’ve probably seen me crying there, and thought ‘why is that girl crying while watching those Central Park breakdancers?’
I decided awhile ago that I can do several things on this not very important day. I can mope, or I can turn gut-wrenching nostalgia into a fun internet project(!). I’m going to do both, but most important is my resolution to go back to square one – I want my social experiment experience, goddammit! In post-break-up retaliation I spent a few brief moments on OkCupid and the result was enough bizarre situations to make me wonder about the differences of each dating site.
Here’s the project: To try every dating site I can find and to rate them. I’m looking for the Best and Worst of online dating, and while I know this means I’m going to have to finally read Atlas Shrugged so I can try this site, I think I’m up for the challenge.
Tonight I’m celebrating the one year anniversary of meeting my own personal kryptonite in human male form by walking to the KFC where we met, drinking bourbon out of my flask, listening to “Beamer, Benz or Bentley,” and crying – because I’m a romantic like that. Tomorrow night, I’m reactivating my Match.com profile. Details to come.