So I wrote this on NYE AM after drinking half a bottle of prosecco by like 9 AM while texing Austin a bunch. He said I should make pictures but I didn’t. Here you go. This is mainly for Antoine:
If you’re reading this for instructional purposes, CONGRATULATIONS(?), YOU SURVIVED THE APOCALYPSE. AND, the Apocalypse has either left the Internet intact (guessing zombie-style) or you (intelligently) printed this post out in advance of the Apocalypse because let’s be fucking honest, we all saw it coming (I’d go with some sorta nuclear war sitch in this case).
Anyway, here you are, reading this post, thinking “What now? Everything and everyone I love is dead and gone and I think I’m supposed to rebuild society or whatever but honestly I couldn’t even back before those zombies/bombs/aliens/noroviruses came around and fucked it ALL up.” I have two words for you — spiralized squash. Or like, seaweed if that’s all that survived after that comet hit the North Pole that was already melted and caused that Tsunami to hit every major city in the world. Seriously, cookbook author, blog owner and lifestyle guru (totally guessing, but like, probably, right?) Ali Maffucci has got you in this time of desperate need and possibly having resort to cannibalism to survive because SPIRALIZING SHIT. I’m sure she also survived the raging fires that consumed the entire Northern Hemisphere just because people won’t recycle their damn bottles because the the level of craftiness it takes to realize you can turn a broccoli stem into an al dente noodle mean you can totes defend yourself against the mole people who have now become society’s overlords.
At this point, you probably have some questions about the helpfulness of this post, like —
- Why are you ranting about a diet blog instead of telling me how to bury the contagious corpses littered around this shack I built out of old Amazon boxes?
- All of the spiralizers melted when the self-driving cars were hacked and simultaneously drove into nuclear reactors so how in the world am I supposed to turn this obviously toxic and possibly deadly zucchini into a delicious substitute for angel hair pasta?
I will address the second question only, because the first is dumb, obviously spiralizing is the answer to the world accepting Bitcoin as its only form of currency and then one person hacking it, stealing all the Bitcoin, downloading it onto a USB drive which then got trashed when he accidentally unplugged it from his laptop without dragging the USB drive icon into the trashcan icon so all the Bitcoin disappeared and the world was forced to return to a bartering economy but the only skill anyone has is Bitcoin mining so like duh you need to develop this skill because you will be the first person with a skill. The fun thing about spiralizing, along with the creativity you can bring to your everyday dinners without even *feeling* like you’re dieting because sweet potato noodles definitely taste just as good in pad thai as regular rice noodles, is that pretty much any set of sharpened items shoved into a circular surface can be used to turn a seemingly bland, boring vegetable into a delicious substitute for starches.
Added bonus: whatever your apocalypse scenario is, I bet you have the tools to make a spiralizer. Whether or not you have the resources to actually spiralize is a different question, but spiralizers make your options almost limitless! In an attempt to imagine your specific apocalypse scenario and what resources you could use to create your post-apocalyptic spiralizer, I’ve come up with a couple plausible scenarios with some recommendations —
Scenario 1: It turns out that Kylie™ lipstain contains a dormant zombie virus that becomes activated when it comes in contact with the Starbucks Special Edition Unicorn Frappuccino so every #basicbitch turned into a zombie and that shit spread mad fast. There was a brief hope that applying some Fenty Mattemoiselle in Midnight Wasabi lipstick was the cure, but alas, even millennial Jesus (Rihanna) couldn’t save the world from the millenial antichrists (Kardashians) and so the #basics destroyed everyone with the exception of those who never attended Bikram, dabbled in a vegan and/or gluten-free lifestyle, or justified a purchase by calling it “cruelty-free”
Spiralizer solution 1: Your post-apocalyptic world is littered with the tubes of a lipstain that was once sold out almost immediately upon its release. You’re wandering around in a fog, asking yourself the Big questions like, “was Kylie ever pregnant? Was it Tyga’s?” and “what even IS lip stain?” but what you should really be doing is picking up ALL 👏🏻 THOSE 👏🏻 FUCKING 👏🏻 LIP 👏🏻 STAIN 👏🏻 TUBES 👏🏻 because once you remove the stain brush, you’ve got some perfect little plastic tubes you can sharpen into tiny spikes so you can turn some onions into the best oven-baked cajun fry substitute you’ve ever had. It’s like 15 calories. So good. What is that you say? The spiralizers are still around because in this apocalypse scenario nothing was destroyed except for a bunch of Starbucks and Forever 21s? Ok, fine, just go find a real spiralizer, but, like, I helped a little bit OK?
Scenario 2(highly likely): Everyone Googles themselves to death. This goes one of two ways for every member of society — the first have such a common name that they can’t even find any entries about them on page one of the results and they realize their meaninglessness, the second have such unique names that they find every negative reaction to everything they’ve ever done on the Internet (which is a lot), and the thumbs down to their Yelp! reviews, negative votes to the Quora answers, This Is Unhelpful count of their Amazon product ratings and general trolling of the YouTube video they posted of their pet ferret (mainly fat-shaming the ferret, but also some fat-shaming of the owner) plunge them into a similar feeling of meaninglessness. Both parties choose death by spiralizer BECAUSE YOU GUYS YOU CAN SERIOUSLY SPIRALIZE ANYTHING.
Spiralizer solution 2: OK in this scenario you def don’t want to use those spiralizers. That said, the Amazon headquarters probably have a shitton of unused ones and given that no actual disaster occurred you can probably just walk into any of their warehouses and find one. Good luck finding it with your internet-less, “keeps you off the grid”, flip phone, you fucking nerd.
Scenario 3: Beyoncé dies.
Spiralizer solution 3: Nope. Starve to death. What’s the point?
Blogs are supposed to have a sign-off. Whatever,