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Battles, part II

If you haven’t read battles, part I, it’s here. If you don’t want to read part I, it’s basically the first half of this list of people I want to battle.

BATTLE #4 – Tiffany VERSUS the person on the other side of the phone (who I’ve never met before)

It turns out this is a common emotion

Weapon: Some sort of phone generated electrical shock seems impossible, so probably hiring a hitman

I remember when email and AIM first came out, people were all, “it’s so easy to misunderstand each other! There’s no inflection!” I think the Internet generation feels the same way about the phone. All disembodied voices sound threatening and offensive.

The phone is missing so much information. Who IS this person anyway?

Do they open every email with salutations even when it’s a thread? That means they take themselves too seriously.

Do they have a hotmail address? That means they’re old.

What is their signature like? Pink and in Lucinda Grande? They’re dumb.

These are incredibly important pieces of information, none of which are determined by a phone call.

I have this avoidance behavior with the phone that is definitely not suited to my profession (but may be a result of said profession): I am constantly trying to get off of the phone with people I don’t know. Once I’ve met the person, we’re BFF and I’m all, “OMG, Mondays! I know, rigggghhhht? Let’s have a meeting soon just so we can hang out.” But before that I’m all, “Ok so the topic of this call has four points. Just FYI, I have a hard stop in 30 minutes.”

The problem with this battle is that once I meet the person, I’d likely not want to battle them. I’d be prepared, amped up, phone set in hand and ready to beat them with it, and then I’d see their haircut, or jeans, or college sweatshirt and immediately be like, “OMG ME TOO!! Let’s have these meetings weekly! Can we hug?” Because I love everyone.

BATTLE #5 – Tiffany VESUS that Person who acts all pissed on the street because they’re in a hurry and no one is moving fast enough

Such a good movie. Her things really were the most important things.

Weapon of choice: Taking up as much space as possible while walking really slowly

BATTLE #6 – Tiffany VERSUS the Person who is not moving fast enough when I’m in a hurry

Weapon of choice: Violent shoving (Full disclosure: I don’t care if these people are children. I want to shove the children.)

I know, I’m such a hypocrite. But aren’t we all? I think this is very similar to the car versus pedestrian battle, which btw is really car versus pedestrian versus biker battle but no one thinks about bikes until you start riding one. Trust me, the bikes are part of it. Don’t leave the bikes out.

Whenever I’m behind a group of people (usually tourists) taking up the whole sidewalk and walking slower than people who consider speed walking exercise, I feel impulse to part the sea of Midwestern body types and off-brand sneakers and yell “TOURISTS!!” at the top of my lungs. This works even if they’re not tourists because everyone in New York is always striving to seem like the ultimate New Yorker. Fast-walking, well-dressed, and definitely not from anywhere other than New York since the second they breathed the oxygen of this world.

My problem is that every time I’m walking down the street, thinking “Aw, this is so relaxing. God, I love this pandora station,” and someone pushes by dramatically, throwing her hands in the air and yelling, “Come on people!!” I’m immediately like, “Wow… What a fucking douche. I bet she’s not even going anywhere important.” I feel the urge to run in front of her and get in their way more, or tell something insulting like, “Why such a rush to get back to Bushwick??”

There’s no winning here. I should basically just battle myself. Which I already do every so often because sometimes I sneeze violently and accidentally hit myself in the face.

BATTLE #7 – Tiffany VERUS the person whose life is better than hers

Those of you who have been reading for a while know how I feel about Zooey Deschanel… That perfect bitch.

Weapon of choice: My life

First of all, I think you’re lying. Second, YOU’RE LYING.

Third, let’s start with when I was 8 years old and McKenzie McsomethingIrishorSocttish called me a freak on the playground because no one wanted to play, “Cats and Guinea Pigs” with me. As lucky is I am for all of the wonderful things in my life, I will crack your happy bubble with little to no effort on my part. Have you heard of learned helplessness? Because Nina told me about that like two years ago and I’ve been depressed ever since! The rats, they just give up! I feel you, rats. Seriously, my first world sadness is going to destroy you. Get ready.


When it comes down to it, I’m probably never going to have a battle. I’m small, very scared, and I’ve already decided that if the zombie apocalypse ever occurs, I’m going to give myself over to the winning team immediately because I can’t handle the stress of trying not to become a zombie. This is not a fight-winning mentality. I also think I could never drink a raw egg, and doesn’t Rocky have to do that?

I digress… Basically, these fights are highly unlikely, unless you’d like to fight with me. Now I’d like to open the floor to all of you and see who you’d like to battle. Allison has started this by mentioning women with large purses. Allison – we may have to battle one day. I’m sorry, that’s just how it is. Watch out for my tailbone. If you’d like more battle posts, let me know who (or what) gives you violent feelings, and I will try my best to come up with a battle plan.

Peace, love and I hope that bitch McKenzie is a stripper now,

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