Tag Archives: christmas

All I want for my Christmas is a 2 Chainz Christmas Album

Seriously though. I’ve been Googling for a solid 5 minutes and it seems as though 2 Chainz has yet to capitalize on the Christmas season. 2 Chainz, if you’re listening (you’re not but a girl can dream), I’m as full of ideas for you as I am homemade Chex Mix and soy nog – 

  • The birthday song revamped could go two ways – You could like, sing about Jesus’ birthday and all he wants for his bday is to save mankind or something OR you could change it to being about all you want for Christmas is a big booty HoHoHo. It’s too easy, 2 Chainz.
  • It’s Christmas. Yeah. It’s Christmas.
  • CAN YOU PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD USE A MARIAH CAREY SAMPLE. The only use of “All I Want For Christmas(is you)” in a rap song is this So So Def remix. Criminal.
  • 2 Chainz Christmas Cookbook along with the album. We know 2 Chainz can cook. So really, what else is there to say?

You’re welcome, 2 Chainz.

P.S. – If you feel like going down a Christmas-themed rabbit hole, start with a Google image search of “Santa Big Butt” and let the magic happen. You’re pretty much guaranteed to end up in “Santa Butt Plug Statue” land somewhere along the way.

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All I wanted for Christmas was a mini Roomba

Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a teeny, tiny Roomba, Roombaing around your desk, adorably vacuuming up all the crumbs and dust?

My desk would be so clean! The Roomba would be so cute!

If I had a mini Roomba, I’d do so many fun things with it.

I’d hug my mini Roomba because he’s so cute:

I’d take him for a walk so he can clean my hallway:

There’s got to be a reason that science has yet to create mini Roombas. I’m not talking about the smaller apartment-sized Roombas of today. I want teeny, tiny Roombas. Like the Shih Tzu of Roombas. If we already have regular Roombas, can’t we just make little ones? I’ve been thinking about it all week and there’s really only one explanation as to why today I didn’t receive a sweet little baby Roomba. Mini Roombas must be some sort of threat to humanity. There’s really no other explanation.

Think about it.

They are robots, so, like droids, they may attack as a well-organized, massive army:

They also clean things, so maybe breaking them down into smaller versions of themselves will produce some sort of Fantasia-esque dilemma in which they unite and… I don’t really remember what the negative part of Mickey having a ton of brooms was, but it was scary when I was a kid.

So sadly, I did not receive my mini Roomba for Christmas, but I guess that it’s for the good of mankind.

Peace, love and Merry Roomba-less Christmas, 


PS – After a lot of thought, I’ve realized it’s probably because the Roombas would fall off my desk. Also, I found this attempt at a tiny Roomba and it doesn’t seem like it sold too well.

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What Granny Wants

My love of the subway grows with every passing day. It’s so full of gifts… Or, in this case, gift suggestions:

This Christmas, why don’t you give granny some dick? Satisfaction guaranteed. 

While I’m pretty sure that DNAinfo.com wasn’t meaning to insinuate that we should all go out and get our Nanas laid, it certainly looks like that’s their suggestion… Am I right?

So, a couple things here:

1. Taking pictures of subway ads is harder than it looks, y’all: PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SITTING IN FRONT OF THE GOOD PICTURES! And do you know how hard it is to be like, “Oh no, don’t worry, old dude who doesn’t speak English, I’m not taking a pic of you but I can’t explain that to you. No, woman who is clearly more conservative than I am, I’m not interested in a pic of you, it’s just that the poster above your head… I can make a crude sexual joke with it – don’t you see that it’s… no?” 

2. Also the people who believe that taking a picture of them will steal their soulThis is really a sub-point to point one, but I’m writing this on a Friday, so I don’t care. I think I learned about these people from an episode of Batman: The Animated Series when I was in like 8th grade, because I watched children’s cartoons until an embarrassing age, but every time I take a photo I am terrified that one of soul stealing religious people is going to attack me or something. And you thought YOU had irrational fears…

3. WTF is DNAinfo.com? Not what you think it is, I can assure you of that. It’s like a TimeOut knock off or something. Right now its number one story is that Santacon is this weekend. Thanks… Are you my Facebook minifeed?

4. Salami is the #4 thing grandma wants? Oh my god, what kind of degenerate grandmothers do the execs at this agency have?

Here’s what’s happening in my brain right now:

Chris says this isn’t really what Enron did… but whatevs.

Yeah, that’s right. Powerpoint doesn’t recognize glock as a word.

At a certain point even the darkest of Grannies has to want an age-appropriate gift… Right? 

Peace, love and get your Memaw something reasonable you weirdos, 


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Santacon 2011

Group of guys dancing in the street singing “When I say Santa, you say Con!”

Santatubby and the Christmas Tree Star

Seaport – Elf and Satanta

Santa Tubbys


Really excited about those furry things

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