Tag Archives: diy_fail

Lazy Girl Swag

I’m gonna go ahead and preface this by letting you guys know that this will definitely be the most useful DIY/Lifestyle post I do, because, as you know, I’m pretty much terrible at DIY anything and don’t even get me started on fashion photography.

I first had the idea for this post over a year ago, when Austin and I were Gchatting about various ways I keep myself looking ‘fresh’ and I could basically hear him having a heart attack on the other side of the chat when I explained one of my favorite tricks to him. He’s very clean. As with many post ideas, I am a lazy POS and I forgot it or started watching TV instead of working every time I sat down to write it, but in the advent of summer, I’m finding myself relying on an arsenal of time-tested tactics I have for making myself look like I haven’t just rolled out of the glorified laundry hamper I call my bedroom.

It really comes down to planning:

Every night before I go to bed, I feel a little nagging voice in my head that’s like, “Hey, don’t people who have their shit together know what they’re going to wear in the morning?” and then I completely ignore that voice and pass out with my makeup still on (pretty sure washing your face at night is just a conspiracy to sell more face soap anyway). But when I’ve hit my snooze button for like the fifth time in the morning, I make sure to inject outfit planning into my semi-conscious dreams and more often than not I come up with something by the time I’m awake. Every so often I wake up and realize that I don’t own the onesie Feist wears in the 1,2,3,4 video, and that’s the start of a really sad day, but most of the time I’m good to go.

Face wash conspiracy theory: Foundation is just tinted moisturizer anyway.

Of course, the most fashionable know how to improvise:

Half-asleep Tiffany is usually too busy trying to escape Miley Cyrus, who has been hired to murder her with a single, tiny razor blade in a giant field next to a Denny’s (why MILEY? I’m always the first to defend you!), to realize that half of the pieces of clothing she’s planned on wearing for the day are either 1.) at her real apartment uptown, nearly an hour away, 2.) stained/smelly/wrinkled/hiding in the crevice between the bed and the wall and she will never find them in the five minutes she’s allocated to getting ready.

So there I am most mornings, half-dressed, make-up smeared down my face and cursing as I try to figure out whether or not I can cut the sleeves off a t-shirt I got at some random event and make it look like a suitable tank top to go under the only cardigan I can find. But somehow, it all works out.

Case in point – An outfit I wore this week constructed out of thin air like a motherf$&king criminal mastermind:

My selfie face is generally a reaction to my being disgusted by myself for taking a selfie

 

I’m not expecting to be awarded best dressed or anything, but someone at the office did say, “Awwww. You dressed up today!” Successful trickery at its finest!

This outfit, to the unsuspecting eye, may actually seem planned out, but it was actually inspired by the following thoughts:

#1 – “I forgot to put shampoo in my hair last night”

#2 – “I don’t have eyeshadow, this bronzer will probably work”

#3 – “Pretty sure the top half of this dress is see-through. I wish the sweater that matched didn’t have a wine stain on it.”

#4 – “If I wear this wine-stained sweater backwards maybe people will think I didn’t know about the stain”

Seriously, I’m shocked I’m not the CEO of something yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And on the note of improvising, here are some magic tricks I’ve discovered over the years: 

#1 – Sharpie + vaseline/lipgloss/leftover grease from that pizza I ate last night = lip stain. 

Once every few years I decide I’m going to be the type of person who wears lip color. I buy like four different types, lose three of them within a week and then let the other one live in my purse until it usually explodes inside my purse and ruins everything living in there (wallet, keys, phone, broken pen graveyard). I then come to my senses for a few years until I have some random memory lapse and buy lip gloss again. During my periods of lucidity, if I feel that I require some lip color, I will grab the nearest sharpie (in pink or red, but if you’re into the goth stuff I’m sure black works too), dab it on the center of my lips a couple of times and then put some vaseline on it. I actually learned this trick from Jane Magazine back in college, so I am hereby absolved of all guilt if you accidentally poison yourself doing this. Seriously, I’m not even gonna feel bad about it so use this tip sparingly.

#2 – The ponytail beehive for day after dancing hair.

Lots of sweat + bobby pins/ bent out of shape paper clips/ probably a chip clip I found on the floor = the 1950s!

One of the most frustrating parts of going out dancing — other than loud music, too many people, having to dance, it being hard to hold a drink while dancing, really the whole act of “going dancing” — is that I generally spend like 2 hours getting my hair ready only to have it get sweaty and disgusting within two minutes of entering the disgusting, terrible dance-establishment. If I’m going to put two hours of work into my appearance, I should at least get two nights of enjoyment out of my labors. I’m pretty sure that’s like the whole basis of economics. Enter the ponytail beehive(patent pending, or some fancy sounding equivalent). After trying and failing like every DIY hairstyle I could find on Buzzfeed one day, I got really annoyed and threw my hair into one of those mushroom ponytail bun things that the popular girls in 6th grade used to be able to pull off but I never could. As I was trying to figure out why I still couldn’t figure out the mushroom bun (haven’t I blossomed since middle school?), I realized that if I pressed the abominable bun against the back of my head and threw some bobby pins in it, I could actually create something resembling a Mad Men-era hairdo.

#3 – Just. The best life hack ever. Please believe me. Lysol = deodorant and cures razor burn. 

This is the tip that made Austin lose his faith in all that is good in the world, but I swear to you it’s amazing. Once Christmas break in college I had a job at The Gap that kept me pretty busy. The was a gym right by the mall I was working at, so I’d often workout, shower and hop in my car to drive straight to work. Because I was no better at planning my outfits back then, I would throw a bunch of random stuff from my floor into a gym bag and rush out of the house in a fury, often forgetting basic toiletries like my toothbrush and deodorant. At the time, I smoked cigarettes in my car because I apparently was really into depreciation and I kept a giant bottle of lysol in the backseat so I could spray a bunch of it around in case a family member wanted a ride somewhere. This ruse was unsuccessful, obviously, but one day when I was desperately searching my car for deodorant, I came across the lysol and thought, “couldn’t hurt” (keep in mind I was already smoking cigarettes in my car, so spraying chemicals directly onto my arm pits seemed reasonable).

The lysol not only worked amazingly, but it also cured some gnarly razor burn I had from being allergic to my metal razor. While again, I take no responsibility if you develop some weird disease from doing this on the regular, it’s pretty fantastic in a pinch. Plus, I’ve already got my celebrity scent idea ready for the day that I become famous:

Suck on that, Katy Perry

K, now that I have confessed to almost every disgusting habit I’m feeling like you guys are probably getting pretty judgy and feel like I need to do some nail art or something to overcompensate. If you have any lazy girl (or boy) lifehacks, I’d love to hear them.

Peace, love and Lysol, 

BWCE

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So This is Why They Pay Beauty Bloggers the Big Bucks

For all of the time I spend reading beauty blogs, I only attempt to execute the things I read about once in a blue moon. Last winter, I discovered the sock bun (late, I know) and as it was one of the first DIY things I was actually able to do myself, my DIY confidence overinflated almost immediately.

The sock bun opened up a whole new world of beauty blog possibilities. Fuck, if I could take a sock and turn my generally disgusting, curly/wavy/I-don’t-really-know-what’s-happening-but-usually-I-can’t-brush-it hair into a perfectly sculpted little circle on the top of my head, then bring on the braids! Since then I’ve been reading every DIY hair article I found and vowing that I would one day purchase bobby pins so I could try it out.

So today, while upgrading my operating system (forced time away from the internet) I decided that I was going to try a simple updo I found online.

Taken from LoveMyHairstyle1.blogspot.com. “So easy you won’t even believe it! Makes you look like a delicate porcelain doll!

I was totally ready to have the best hair at the coffee shop today.

Step 1 seemed easy enough: Give your hair some texture. OH. DONE. I have got this motherfucker. The thing I didn’t take into account was the fact that I have the wrong type of texture. Remember those Garnier Fructis ads where the chick has crazy bad hair and then Garnier transforms it into super sleek, perfect hair? Yeah, this is what I look like AFTER using their hairspray:

Also, no one starts singing that “Woo Woo!” song in the background when I use the hairspray. Sadness.

Ok, so confession time. The texture issue is only exacerbated by the fact that I haven’t had a professional haircut in over a year. Earlier this year I bought some professional scissors and gave myself a haircut with the idea that, “Hey! If Beyonce can cut her own hair, then I can too!”

What were you thinking, March 2013 Tiffany? BEYONCE IS A GODESS AND YOU ARE A MERE PAUPER. Anyway, after my attempt and several months of after growth, I have something that I can only imagine are split split ends. The ends of my hair have split so many times that they’ve rejoined each other and created some sort of spider web ends.

Here you go:

This is freshly brushed hair. Sometimes I find pieces of lint fused into the hair. Also, check out my double chin. How does anyone take a cute selfie? 

I figured, I’m sure it will look good if I put it up in a messy bun. So I proceeded to roll the bramble into a bun and hide it with a bunch of pins.

I’m pretty sure this is NOT how the top of my head was supposed to look. I’m not even sure what part is the front or the back. 

To add insult to injury, the blogger’s hair is about two feet longer than mine, making her braids long enough to wrap all the way around her head, while mine ended precisely in the center of my head, their tiny, ragged ends jutting up like antennae.

I took down the hair, tried again and failed even harder. BUT, my operating system was still installing so I trudged onward, attempting a simple spiral top knot.

From A Cup of Jo. So not as easy as the sock bun.

Luckily, my ends weren’t the issue for this style. Unfortunately, my hair positioned itself in a shape that distinctly resembled the pile of poop Emoji.

Maybe if I got some googly eyes I could make it cute?

Next up was the one where you can turn your hair into a bow, but that looked a lot like Mini Mouse ears on me –

I also realized that I get a super creepy, intense face while focusing on taking a selfie.

And so I landed on this bizarre, made up side bun. I put makeup on to make myself look more professional, but since I don’t have a statement lipstick I’m pretty sure I failed at that too.

Seriously, this is the best thing I could do. I wish I had a sock right now.

In order to make it seem legit, I added a braid.

A FISHTAIL BRAID TO BE EXACT.

So here’s what I have learned from this little experiment:

  • Selfies are hard.
  • Beauty bloggers are super humans with hair that’s at least 6 feet long and naturally super straight.
  • I need to get a real haircut.
  • NEVER, NEVER, NEVER attempt something because you heard Beyonce can do it. That’s how people get killed.

Peace, love and I’m going to go back to doing something I’m not 100% terrible at now, 

BWCE

PS – Back before the days of DIY hairstyles, I was obsessed with the Olsen twin’s TV show Two of a Kind. It was a period where we’d just moved and I had no friends, so having a twin with whom I could swing dance and have awesome adventures sounded ideal. I was obsessed with twins for half of 7th grade. Anyway, they had some CRAZY hairstyles and I once attempted to mimic one on a trip to the mall with my new friends. The weird side buns I created looked like something Miley Cyrus would wear and my friends later told me how much they made fun of me. Hairstyle fails and I go way back.

 

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