Tag Archives: facebook

Can we combine Facebook profiles?

Recently I’ve noticed an interesting trend among my married friends on facebook: Joint profiles. I’ll be scrolling through my minifeed and suddenly I’ll see LindseyandJonathan Green and I’ll be like, whatttttt? That’s two people!?

I’ve spent enough Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights in a church pew to guess that this is some new thing pastors are recommending to young married couples so that Facebook does not tempt them to ‘stray.’

I’m promise I’m not judging! You do you, married people… You know how I feel about your traditional straight people marriages anyway. Personally, after sharing my first facebook account with my roommate because our school wasn’t legit enough to have .edu email addresses, I doubt I will ever relinquish the control I have over my very own account.

But then I started thinking more about the joint account. If used correctly, there could be some serious benefits to sharing a profile with another person. How awesome would it be to have a joint account with all my friends?

THINK OF THE PERKS PEOPLE!

1. Best stalking experience ever – It’s like the day FB changes its privacy policy and no one has figured out to go change their settings… Times ten! Imagine this: you’re looking at a picture one of your friends was tagged in and you see someone sexy stranger in the picture. You click on them, right? But usually you can see profile pics and maybe where they work which offers you the ability to mayyyybe look for them on LinkedIn and see their professional photo. So lame. If you had a shared profile with your friends you could creep alllllll day long.

2. More minifeed updates- I realized recently that I will look through anyone’s minifeed, regardless of whether or not I know their friends, and be equally as fascinated with those people as the people in my feed. At this point, we all have so many facebook friends we barely know. Checking the minifeed is the modern equivalent of reading all the stuff written on a bathroom stall. The only difference is less dick drawings, more “Christy and Sam 4evas,” and links to Youtube videos.
I love it. I could read that shit all day, so to me, the more random people writing on the bathroom stall of the internet, the merrier.

3. We could play that game where every person writes one word of the sentence and it comes out super silly. Enough said. That game was awesome.

4. Our Klout score would be the shit. I didn’t even know what Klout really was until I started writing this post. So I signed up, but I still don’t really know what Klout is. My score is low.

5. If lots of people followed the trend, there would be less “Monday = Bad” and “Friday = Good” status updates. We’d all win.

Ok, I know there are some potential problems. What if you’re tagged in a photo and you look amazing but another member of the profile looks terrible? How do you choose a profile picture? I suggest the following solutions: Everyone must approve the tag; picture of Snookie’s baby or President Obama. Boom. Solved.

Let’s do it. Who wants to combine Facebook profiles? I’m so down to stalk your friends.

Peace, love and multiple Gmail addresses so we can keep our original profiles,

BWCE

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Jealousy

WHATEVER. HER BANGS ARE DISGUSTING.

It’s a little shameful to talk about, but the second I find out that a person I like is hooking up with someone, I become hell-bent on unearthing every flaw I can find. This feels really great for the first minute that I’m judging her based on information found on her Facebook profile, but more often than not I end up discovering how great the girl is and spiral into self-hatred.

For example – I recently found out that a distant friend, on whom I’ve had THE BIGGEST CRUSH EVER for almost a year, is hooking up with another distant friend. The girl he’s hooking up with is awesome, she’s totally pretty and talented and a pleasant person all around. My reaction, however, was to insult her haircut… it’s really not the best, and in the moment it’s all I have. Because in all other respects, she’s amazing. Even her haircut isn’t that bad.

So here’s how I typically reach the self-hatred point: I’m bitching about how unfair it is that she gets to hook up with Crush Guy, she probably doesn’t love him like I love him anyway, and Austin asks to see pictures of her. This is where the self-hatred starts. I’m stalking her on Facebook so I can find all the things that are terrible about her, and I end up discovering that she’s done a bunch of cool things. I click on her Study Abroad photo album, because everyone gains weight during study abroad, and end up finding out that she spent like, two years in a village in Africa or some shit. She didn’t even get fat during study abroad – is she magical?! I see that her website is an Atlanta hip hop magazine and I learn that she is a contributor. Suddenly, I’m not just upset that this girl is more capable of having a conversation with Crush Guy than I am, she’s also so much cooler than I am. Why haven’t I gotten my shit together enough to grow a spice garden on my fire escape? What the hell am I doing with my free time??

Before I know it I’m lying on Nina’s bed, crying about her How To Cook Great Meals That Cost Less Than $7 blog or her installation art. At the wise age of 26, I should know to not do this anymore. It is never beneficial. I found out about Crush Guy and his new love last weekend, and all week I’ve been thinking about why I continue to torture myself. I’ve realized it’s because I have no other way to sooth myself when I hear upsetting news.

I’ve formed a new plan to avoid the self- hatred. From now on, I’m going to skip the stalking and simply take the girl’s face and superimpose it onto gross things. I’ve used Zooey Deschanel as my example, because there’s nothing that makes me more insecure than the simple fact that Zooey Deschanel exists and is walking around somewhere on this planet right now.

Here’s an example scenario:

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