Tag Archives: food

Let Them Eat Kimchi

Last Sunday I went to Brooklyn for a friend’s birthday party at a beer garden. The Crown Vic in Williamsburg has a pig roast every Sunday, the theme of which on this particular Sunday was Korean-style pig roasting.

picture of a rib and some weird sauces

Apparently this is what makes up Korean style roast: Big ol’ rib of pork and a bunch of weird bean sauces and pickled veggies. And of course, jars on jars of kimchi.

Eat your heart out, Ramen burger enthusiasts.

picture of a menu that is too expensive for brooklyn

Apparently Bon Chon and Banchan are different things. Everyone in line was confused.

I take issue with a lot of Manhattan beer gardens because they are usually too crowded for me to be able to hear anyone around me, but this place we delightfully unpacked and filled with lots of neon colored tables. And as always with Williamsburg, I love examining all the hipster wear going on around me.

Pretty fence. #withafilterduh

picture of my clutch and the wine that lead to my demise later that evening

My one attempt to seem like an artsy blogger this summer.

The best part of the day, however, was the super spicy kimchi eating contest sponsored by Mama O’s Kimchi. If you’ve never had kimchi, I hate it with the fire of a thousand flames (is that the phrase? I think it’s something like that), but people like it, and also I think a couple of the people who signed up had never had it before so they didn’t realize what crimes they were about to commit against their bodies.

At least someone got that big trophy?

I greatly enjoyed watching 10 people try to stuff jars of super spicy kimchi into their mouths over the course of three minutes. The one other person who seemed to be as into it as me was Asian John Cusack — this Asian guy who looked like John Cusack in any of the movies where he wore a leather jacket and big sunglasses. AJC was drinking beer straight from a pitcher and yelling things at all the contestants. I kind of wish we were best friends.

After that, we tried to go to a free comedy show, got bored waiting and ended up stuffing our faces at The Meatball Shop, a place that I’m sure will soon take the rest of the country by storm because it’s way too good.

Peace, love and banchan, 

BWCE

Advertisements
Tagged , , , ,

All Energy Everything

Checkout this total product development fail I found the other day –

Cracker Jack, why you gotta give us coffee too? You already give us prizes!

Whenever I see stuff like this, I like to imagine all of the steps it took for this to go from an idea to an actual product in Duane Reade, during which no one was like, “um. Hey, guys? This is a terrible idea.”

There were at least this many steps, in some sort of order like this:

  1. Person had idea, decided it was good.
  2. Person edited presentation, decided to keep caffeinated Crack Jack idea on list of ideas.
  3. Person gave presentation, likely involving graphs and charts about how much people like ‘energy’ food.
  4. Other people decided this was a good idea, passed on to team of food engineers/ robots/ factory in china.
  5. Food is manufactured, taste-tested, moved on to packaging.
  6. Packaging (including the name “Cracker Jack’d”) was created and no one said anything about this being an AWFUL idea.
  7. Product presented to supermarkets/ stores everywhere. Product is purchased by these stores.

Either that, or there was a massive chocolate/coffee incident at the Cracker Jack factory and they decided to cover their losses by creating this. If that’s the case, I have tons of respect for them. Otherwise, WTF dudes?

I get that suddenly everything is supposed to magically energize us, even though it’s crap that’s giving us toe cancer, hair arthritis or, at the very least, lots of belly fat, but a line has been crossed. Coffee in my candied popcorn product? Or, whatever the hell those weird brownie things on the bag are? Java nougats?

I know that there have been some really important things happening in the news with civil rights, and coups and whatever, but THESE ARE THE REAL ISSUES, PEOPLE.  It’s like that old saying –

First they wanted to add a shot of espresso to my coffee,

and I didn’t speak out, because that seemed kinda nice.

Then they came for my diet soda,

and I didn’t speak out, because ‘ginseng’ and ‘guarana’ are fun to say.

What’s next? Is any junk food sacred anymore?

Will make it even more marketable to college students, although I assume the price may go up… Gives new meaning to ‘speed reading’?

What about the great American breakfast staples?

This may prove that I don’t know what color meth is… unless it’s green. I promise I have never seen nor done meth, guys.

And can you imagine how much Pizza Hut is going to go to town with all of this? They LOVE stuffing things into crusts. Don’t think they’ll stop at things that raise your cholesterol…

That blue and white thing is supposed to be a pill #powerpointfail

Little Ceasars is probably going to have to change their slogan to make it seem more energized –

THERE IS NO END TO THE MADNESS AND I HAVE TO MONITOR MY CAFFEINE INTAKE OTHERWISE I SLEEP POORLY.

Also, what will energy drinks do? Start adding food to their drinks? Our hearts are going to explode, guys.

Stop the madness. Quit buying ‘energized’ food. 

Peace, love and crack-infused ketchup, 

BWCE

Tagged , , , , ,

An Open Letter to Seamless Web

To the geniuses/demigods/criminal masterminds at seamlessweb.com,

My name is Tiffany, and I am a frequent user of your service. In fact, I’ll be hurt if at least one person in your order processing department does not recognize my email address.

First off, let me stop to acknowledge the amazingness that is Seamless Web. When it is raining, snowing, too hot, too late at night, or too in the middle of an episode of Glee, your service and its team of friendly delivery people and predominately sushi/Thai fusion restaurants is there to bring me whatever my heart desires. Your service is truly one of the best advances in modern technology (fuck medicine!).

With all that said, you’ve also taught me how to dream, and I have dreamed big for you, Seamless. Below is a list of technologies I’d love for you to integrate into your service. Kind of like apps – not the delicious ones you already sell –  but the iPhone ones.

#1- DrunkEatNO!
What does it do?
Forces potential orderees to write a few sentences using carefully picked (or auto-generated) SAT words about why they are trying to order food after midnight.

Why do your customers need it?
I’ve surmised that around 25% of my orders are made after 9PM and under the influence of alcohol. While I have managed to kick my drunk texting habit, I fear I will be incapable of kicking this habit without your help because there are few consequences associated with drunk eating. Unlike drunk texting, which can ruin everything, drunk ordering only comes with the risk of falling asleep before my pizza arrives and scaring my roommates shitless when the delivery guy buzzes a bunch of times at 2 AM. And really that only happened that one time. 99.99999% of the times I am simply rewarded for my bad behavior with a calzone.

#2- Thinspiration
What does it do?
Tells you the calories of everything you’re ordering while simultaneously attempting to dissuade you from ordering fried chicken with a side of a block of cheddar by blasting you with Nicole Richie pop-ups.

Future editions should allow the customer to select a favorite thin-spiring celeb

Why do we need it?
As a female in New York City, I am not dieting for healthy living purposes. I’m striving to look one stomach flu away from hospitalization at any given moment. Do you know how difficult it is to achieve that goal? Most days I live off of Energy Kitchen and despair (same thing), not because there aren’t other low calorie options out there, but because I don’t know the exact calorie count of some random restaurant’s balsamic dressing so I’m forced to choose between Energy Kitchen and Pret… And Pret is WAY too expensive.

If I knew the calories of everything on your site, I would a.) order less Energy Kitchen “food” and b.) avoid the fuck-my-diet fried food combo and make an informed decision.

#3- BankSync-

What does it do?
It tells you NO, NO TIFFANY, DON’T ORDER FOOD YOU HAVE $30 AND TWO WEEKS UNTIL YOUR NEXT PAYCHECK.

Ok, Seamless, this one might be only needed by me. I have no self-control and I don’t forsee self-control become one of my strong suits anytime soon. As a person who has spent as much on your service as some of your VC backers, you owe me a favor or two.

#4 – Google Street View Integration – 

What does it do?
When you live in a big city, you understand the risk you’re taking by ordering online. There’s a strong chance that the restaurant you’re ordering from is one of those “#47 Chinese Food” places where the pictures of the food on the wall are completely unrelated to what they actually serve (purple backgrounds, peppers on the side of the plate for decorative purposes, meat that looks like real meat). It’s easy to tell once you receive your food that you’ve been fooled. Despite all your experience, you were bamboozled by the massive lunch special and 15 minute delivery time. This would never happen if we could see something like this:

…..

I could go on forever, but here’s a list of some other things I’d like:

Ordering from multiple restaurants as a single delivery: If you knew how often I would order a cheese plate AND Ethiopian food you would do this immediately.

Laundry pick-up to come with food: My laundromat is right downstairs. For an additional $3 – $5, I’d totally pay someone to pick it up while bringing me my pad thai.

Also, can you bring me alcohol? I’m assuming their are legal reasons as to why this hasn’t yet happened. BUT STILL. WORTH THE RISK, SEAMLESS.

Sometimes I’d like the delivery guy to stay and watch tv with me… Is that so wrong? I spent my first New York City Christmas on my couch because I didn’t feel like flying home only to turn right back around two days later. Day one was pretty awesome. On day two I started running out of chick flicks. By day three I would have paid mad money for a delivery guy to sit on my couch and watch an episode of Comedy Central Presents with me.

So anyway, Seamless, thanks for hearing me out. Hopefully I’ll be seeing these genius ideas implemented real soon. By the way… can I get some sort of food credit for e-hand-delivering all these lucrative ideas to you? I have like $45 in my bank account and a crazy bad hankering for a burger.

How about it?

BWCE

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,
Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: