Tag Archives: prose

I spent so much money at the bodega last night that Bank of America fraud protection department called me

No, really, I did.

I’ve spoken to Bank of America’s fraud department before, but I don’t think I remembered how awkward it is discussing the charges on my card. I’m far from a private person, but I can’t say my conversation with Ethan, the mouth-breathing customer service rep, was comfortable for me:

E- “Ok, I’m going to list the charges in question. Can you please confirm each one?”

T- “Sure.”

E- “106 King Gourmet Deli – $50.”

T- “…Yes.”

E- “Sophies – $15.”

T- “Yes.”

E- “NYC Taxi – $25. Duane Reade – $4.91. Chipotle – $13.50. Ashbys – $5.33.”

T- “Mhmm.”

E- “WMV Match.com – $78.00”

T- “Yes?”

E- “[About three more restaurants and Seamless web} ~$5.”

T- “Yes. Okthanksbye!”

I say all this to say that BoA decided $200 worth of charges to delis and Match.com was enough to be suspicious of fraud. Not only do my charges make me look fat and lonely, BoA just called me poor.

Dear Ethan,

If you need some proof of my recent activity –

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Online Dating Project: Responding to Emails

It’s Friday night so I run the risk of seeming totally lame by responding to emails right now. This is something I’m determined to measure – if I use the same responses on a Friday night versus a week night, am I less likely to get a response? Is being perceived as weekend plan-less a deterrent to the average online dater?

I’ve received 12 emails since I made my profile active around 11:30 last night, and I’m having a pretty good time wading through trying to find the best and worst messages. The good ones usually take time, but finding the worst takes diligence.

Almost every message I’ve received starts with: “I like your profile.”

I’m 99% sure this means I like your pictures, because there’s no way a profile as devoid of personality as mine would merit that opening comment. Anyway, after a bit of reading, wanting to stop reading, and making myself read some more, I finally found the worst of the evening.

His message was a fairly normal hello, but his profile… oh man.

Here’s an excerpt:

The Most Interesting Man in the WorldI’ve been expecting you… -I share the same birthday as G.W. Bush, 50 Cent, and the Dalai Lama, and I’m a combination of all three of them -When life gives me lemons, I make champagne -The next sentence is false. The previous sentence is true. -One hour of conversation with me is like four years of college -I can spin pillows on my finger and throw knives -I am a great poker

I respond to his message and immediately after hitting send am recommended three new matches – one of those is my ex-boyfriend. I’m pretty upset with Match at this point. Really, Match? Is this what I’m paying you for? I thought I am paying for HOPE and all you’re giving me is DESPAIR.

And then I realized the heading above my matches:

“Check out these members like [the one you just emailed].”

To sum it up – Match.com compared the profile of someone I dated to the worst profile I could find.

Maybe I’ve only been looking at the pictures

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The Online Dating Project: Match.com set up

UWS, 11pm: An update on the soul-sucking process of signing up for an online dating site –

I’m lucky I’ve done this before. I’m too lazy after a 12-hour workday to actually find photos that make me look simultaneously beautiful, fun, down to earth and intelligent. I spent some time this evening surveying the profiles of my ‘competitors.’ Who are these girls who create online profiles? All of them love their family, friends, life but are looking for their special someone. They all love going out but equally enjoy a night in in their favorite sweatpants. They love to eat, but workout 5x a week and have PERFECT bodies. Where are these super fembots with shining personalities living? Definitely not on the Upper East Side like they claim.

I’ve spent the greater half of this evening stripping my profile of every bit of my personality. I replaced my Franzen reference with a mention of Nicholas Sparks and removed my alma mater in case music school seems a bit too edgy. After a lot of editing, this is what I came up with as a generic, catch-all profile (feel free to vomit. I did a little bit.) :

I’m friendly, open and I like to laugh – people always tell me I’m smiley. I’m happy that every year life keeps getting better. I’m from Atlanta and I’ve been in New York for a little over a year – this city is so amazing. I love going out as much as I love just spending a night in, drinking wine and watching chick-flicks with my girls! 

I love my life, my job, my family and friends – I’m just missing that special someone. It’s all about the chemistry for me – if there’s no spark it’s not worth it! I’m a girly girl that will shop ‘til she drops but I can also be convinced to run. I have a great sense of humor and am looking for someone I can have a great time with no matter what. 

When it comes down to it, I’m pretty sure my profile will rarely be read in full and that most men will contact me because of this picture of my legs:

I know. They’re fantastic. I’d wink at me too…

I felt a piece of me die tonight when I forked over $24 per month for the next three months, but I’m rationalizing the decision with this knowledge – I will make back my money and then some in free drinks in the months to come.

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