I woke up at 5:30 this morning absolutely hating myself for getting drunk on a week night. It doesn’t even matter that I got myself home without getting a bunch of bodega food, at a decent hour, with all my belongings AND managed to put my mouthguard in before falling asleep with my alarm set – all things that wouldn’t have happened in college. Waking up hungover solidifies for a few brief moments the deep-seated fear that I will never be a functioning adult.
As I laid there suffering, the conversations from last night started pouring in along with some more self hatred. Really? Did we really discuss preferred types of porn? (Angela, this further answers THIS question.) On a first date? I remembered a bunch of other embarrassing things I said (and tend to say after a bottle of wine) and then I remembered that right before sliding into my cab I asked Ryan if we could be just friends.
He was all about the idea from what I remember, but in my sobriety I wonder if he really felt the same way or if he agreed because there’s not really anything else you can say to someone saying they’re not interested in you romantically.
I’m hopeful it was the former because while Ryan was a perfectly normal (and nice!) guy, there was absolutely no connection there. Aside from the fact that he did this hand motion a lot
and I found it distracting, talking to Ryan made me feel like a weirdo.
In my day to day I don’t think of my friends or myself as quirky, but I guess that we are. Ryan talked to me about the type of things you ‘should’ talk about on a first date – how many siblings he has, what he was like in high school, etc. In the middle of my talking animatedly about Austin’s temporary paralysis and why that’s resulted in us throwing a knock-on-wood-themed New Year’s Eve party I realized this is not what you’re supposed to talk about on a first date, I guess? At the end of the story I had to clarify with “… we have a morbid sense of humor.”
If I were to chart out our back and forth, I think it would look something like this:
(I know I misspelled religion in the chart… I don’t feel like fixing it)
I left the conversation thinking about all the ways I didn’t feel understood by this other human and how for some reason not feeling understood for a few brief moments makes you feel totally alone in the universe.
Then I came home to my roommates, who were eating some of the novelty candies we buy from the bodega and I remembered I’m not alone. Not alone in my quirkiness at all.
To Ryan: If you do decide to be my friend, below are some future conversations you can expect.
- Why geese are awesome
- All the reasons I’m sure my retinas are detaching even though the eye doctor says they’re not
- All about my friend named Hibben and probably some pictures of her to prove she’s real
- About my dog that we’ve renamed ‘Die’