Tag Archives: sex

Floral Arrangements for Getting it On

We all have those random skill sets we’ve acquired from our past – whether it’s this stuff you learned from the job you had in high school, or what you majored in during college. I can talk your ear off about music copyright law and varieties of carnations. It was only a year or so ago that I was coming up with the occasional floral ‘Recipes,’ so I’ve decided to share my expertise with all the gentlemen who read my blog.

Fact: Valentine’s Day is the number two busiest day in the floral industry, losing out to Mother’s Day only because everyone has a mother.

That being said, Valentine’s buyers are the most desperate and clueless. Men know that women want flowers, and they want them on Valentine’s day, but they’re utterly clueless as to what to order or what to write on the gift message.

I can’t tell you how many gift messages I’ve written for grown men.

Men, are you concerned your ladies are a little less traditional? Do you want to wow them with something more creative than roses.  Do you need to write something more creative than “love you babe?”

I could give you some really great advice on all of the above, but instead I’m going to show you the wonderful world of flowers that send one very direct message: I wanna do you, bitch. 

My friend Toni, floral buyer extraordinaire, inspired this post by sending me a comic that was so dirty I wrote back, “I can’t put that on my blog. My grandma reads it sometimes!” Anyway, Toni also taught me the wonderful world of dirty flowers… Throw a couple of these in your traditional red rose bouquet, include the message I’ve attached and you are bound to get your message across. Whether or not this actually gets you laid… I have no idea.

Calla Lilies – The classy way to say “take your pants off.”

Gift message: Baby, you’re beautiful just the way you are… And you’re even more beautiful when you’re naked.

Callas are famously known as a symbol for lady parts, just ask Georgia O’Keeffe.

Anthirium – An exotic way to ask, “Do you wanna see it?” 

Gift Message: “Girl, I feel so close to you. I just want to show you my soul, or something like that.”

As an aside, in searching for anthirium, Toni came across this:


Ok, next.

Hooker Lips – For the lady who’s a little cheap and likes it that way. 

Gift Message: “Bitch, this flower ain’t got nothing on you. You my #1 ho.”

I’m pretty sure that flower had some work done.

Banksia – For those who feel the need to over-compensate.

Gift Message: “How you doin’?”

This is a personal favorite among flower people. One of my favorite complaints ever received was in regards to some bright red banksia in an arrangement: “What are those penis-looking things? They’re terrible!”

Black roses and Thistle – If you’re into some weird shit.

After last year’s 50 Shades craze, I couldn’t leave it out. Buy her some black roses, spiny thistle and maybe some Devil’s Poker.

Gift Message: “Slave, the only safe words I need are “I love you.””


Anyway, we have arrived! Happy Valentine’s Day! Good luck on any and all of your endeavors today.



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Gift Guide: Valentine’s Day Edition

Ok, so I sadly haven’t seen any DNAinfo.com Valentine’s Day gift suggestions, but I think I’ll be able to wing it. Valentine’s Day is only two days away and if you’re like me you’re still trying to figure out a way to work curse words and insults into an adorable homemade gift for your significant other.

Dirty message jam could totally be a top seller on Etsy

Giving a good gift for Valentine’s Day can be hard, especially if your relationship isn’t your standard husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend situation. This year, however, you’re in luck! Instead of making sex jam, I’ve been thinking about all of you and your needs. I know, I’m such a good person. Below are my suggestions for every type of relationship I could come up with. If you have one I haven’t mentioned, and you’d like to know what I think, shoot me a line in the comments section of this post. I will come up with something JUST for you. How’s that for customer service?

For your best friend:

So you’re single this year and your romantic life is so nonexistent that you not only quit shaving your legs, but you’re not even bothering with the armpits anymore either because it’s winter and fuck it, no one’s seeing your naked arms for another three months anyway. I’ve been there, and I totally get it: Why the fuck do couples need another day to remind you of the constant, nagging feeling that you are that one person who is destined to be alone forever? Do they really need another excuse to shower each other with the love and affection that you’re certain you are only going to receive from the 37 cats you one day plan to adopt?

First off, you’re probably not that person because if the cast of Jersey Shore can get married (at least for a while) I’m pretty sure there’s hope for all of you. Secondly, that’s why we all have best friends. Best friends don’t care about your unshaven armpits or your strange obsession with Love Bites, the cancelled-after-nine-episodes NBC sitcom that lured you in with a guest appearance by Jennifer Love Hewitt for like five seconds and then went downhill after the opening credits. Best friends don’t go, “Hey, honey. Maybe you shouldn’t eat that icing while waiting for your pizza to arrive,” because it does not concern them if you get fat and most of the time they will enjoy eating the icing with you.

One of my favorite Valentine’s Days was spent on the couch with Nina watching America’s Psychic Challenge and eating chili. I recommend that you purchase the DVD set of that show and some chili to recreate that.

Love you, Neens.

For your gay best friend who is of the opposite sex: 

They’re basically the same as the above with a few minor differences – they’re awesome cuddle time stand-ins and the fact that they work out more than you slightly helps with the potential weight gain that comes with the icing/pizza combo.

Take them on a trip. Take them on a trip to a place where you like to judge people, like the mall, or Oskaloosa, Iowa and mean mug everyone who walks by and then say things like, “Ew.” or “Who?” after they pass but are still within earshot.

Judging, circa 2010. Venue of choice: Florida.

For someone who’s put you in the Friend Zone but you want outta that zone and into his/her pants:

I’ll start this with a don’t: The other day I was at the gym, watching one of those little TVs while I elliptical-ed my heart out. I usually don’t watch MTV because I had some opinion on what their reality shows were doing to society when I was like 22 and even though I’ve since forgotten my stance, I figured meh, I’ll stick with it. The thing is my gym plays 90% sports and then either The Food Channel or MTV, so I was forced. Anyway, they have this show called Friendzone where people who have a crush on their best friend take them on an MTV reality TV show but the friend thinks it’s a different MTV reality show and then through some elaborate plot they reveal their true intentions and either they’re publicly humiliated when the friend says no or they start dating but it’s kind of awkward and you feel like you’re watching two siblings date when they do the ‘two months later’ check in. Do not take your Friend Zone buddy on this show for Valentine’s Day.

What you should do instead – Get them some condoms. Don’t fuck around, just do it.

For that special someone… Who you really, really want to dump: A Match.com subscription paired with the phrase, “I think you’re really great and you deserve to have someone love you as much as you love me.”

For your lying, cheating, no-good ex:

I once dated someone who turned out to be a MASSIVE compulsive liar. He’d created elaborate stories such as playing tennis in Brazil for an entire summer while being paid $30K in tennis winnings. It turned out that he’d spent the summer painting houses with his dad in his hometown while hiding from all of his friends he was lying to. If I’d known about www.dirtyrottenflowers.com, he’d have received at lot of their arrangements.

For that friend you secretly hate: 

Old people, my generation calls these “Frenemies.” Cute right? And you thought we were so busy with our Facebooks and tumbling that we hadn’t accomplished anything yet. Get that bitch some chocolate. It’s perfect! It seems nice but accomplishes your ulterior motive, which is of course to get your nemesis fat. There is one exception… If the reason you hate this person is because she’s got a magic metabolism, giving her chocolate that she can enjoy without consequence does not help your cause. In that case, give her something terrible, like a juice cleanse.

“This is all water weight. First you bloat, and then you drop ten pounds like that.”

For the hot guy/girl on the train: 

Your number. Duh.

Original photo from hotguysonthehtrain.tumblr.com

Ok, back to figuring out my own gift. I think for Valentine’s Day maybe I’ll just get my boyfriend drunk.

Peace, love and sexy condiments, 


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The Straight Grindr

When I first heard about Grindr, the geolocating App for single, gay men, I had several reactions:

1.) What?

2.) It does WHAT? It’s for men who want to have sex and can find someone within the same 10 blocks?

3.) Why isn’t there one for straight people??!

I’m sure most people had the same reaction, and developers caught on to that and took not that long to create the straight version of Grindr. The interesting thing about creating a straight Grindr is that these developers seemed to understand that making an App with the exact same pretense would creep people out. For some reason, even if it’s a lie, straight interactions cannot be that blunt.

Blendr has to pretend to be about meeting people in the general sense. Otherwise it seems super creepy.

I heard about Blendr for the first time on Monday, and immediately signed up. I then forgot about it, until the next night when I was at Angela’s, drinking and trying to forget about the terrible day I’d had. At that point, getting back on Blendr seemed like a great idea. I got online and responded to someone who’d sent me the following:

Him: “Ho”…. “*Hi”

I responded: “Lol”

From that super-romantic starting point, we talked back and forth for about twenty minutes before exchanging numbers. If I were to describe this experience, I’d call it Match.com on crack. It took  30-40 minutes of me talking to/ texting this person to make a date when it can take weeks on Match.

Interestingly enough, the same conventions apply. Something I’ve noticed about online dating is the perpetual need to qualify why you’re on an online dating site. When I talked to Ryan on the phone, he asked me how many dates I’d been on, after immediately clarifying that he’d only been on a few. I knew from the way he phrased it that the only answer I could give was, “Oh, you know, just a few. My friends have done this, so I’d figure I’d try it out.”

My experience on Blendr was no different. My potential match asked me right away; “What’s a pretty girl like you doing on this site?” It sort of reminded me of the movies: a scene where a lonely woman sits at a bar, drinking by herself, and gets asked by men why she’s there. We have a fixation on not seeming desperate when, in reality, we are all so very desperate. If I were to answer any of the questions I’ve been asked by men in bars, on match, on okcupid, or on blendr in honesty, my answers would be unflattering. They’d be something along the lines of:

“Well, I got my heart broken and I can’t personally afford to purchase as much alcohol as I’d like to to numb the pain.”

“I’ve decided to write a blog about my various online dates. Wanna be featured on my blog?”

Instead I responded something like, “hehe. My friend told me about it, so I figured I’d check it out.”

So tonight I met Joe. I didn’t expect someone on Blendr to have an attention span long enough to wait two days to meet me, but he did. We talked about family, work, drinks and rap; and overall it was a better interaction than I’ve had with several of the guys I’ve spent weeks talking to. Along with that, Joe was much more of a gentleman. He refused to let me pay for drinks, repeatedly asked me if I was having a good time, and forced a $20 bill into my hand as I grabbed a cab.

For these reasons I feel much more guilty writing about the experience than I usually would…. I’m going to take that as a sign that I should. Online dating is not all bad. I say this on my blog after only having documented one date, but from my past experiences, you meet some great people. Joe is one of those great people. I’ll definitely go out with him again.

Tonight, Joe and I talked a lot about New York. He’s a native New Yorker and for me it’s rare that I meet people who grew up here. I live under the assumption that those raised here aren’t walking around in constant awe of the city, so I was surprised by his fascination with the randomness of our meeting. It hit me that years here don’t change the feeling that you can always change, and you can always embark on a new adventure. Joe spent a lot of tonight telling me that he was still shell-shocked by the fact that he was meeting someone he met through an iPhone App. To think that even a native New Yorker can feel that excitement is reaffirming. It makes me want to live here for many, many more years.

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The Online Dating Project: Match.com set up

UWS, 11pm: An update on the soul-sucking process of signing up for an online dating site –

I’m lucky I’ve done this before. I’m too lazy after a 12-hour workday to actually find photos that make me look simultaneously beautiful, fun, down to earth and intelligent. I spent some time this evening surveying the profiles of my ‘competitors.’ Who are these girls who create online profiles? All of them love their family, friends, life but are looking for their special someone. They all love going out but equally enjoy a night in in their favorite sweatpants. They love to eat, but workout 5x a week and have PERFECT bodies. Where are these super fembots with shining personalities living? Definitely not on the Upper East Side like they claim.

I’ve spent the greater half of this evening stripping my profile of every bit of my personality. I replaced my Franzen reference with a mention of Nicholas Sparks and removed my alma mater in case music school seems a bit too edgy. After a lot of editing, this is what I came up with as a generic, catch-all profile (feel free to vomit. I did a little bit.) :

I’m friendly, open and I like to laugh – people always tell me I’m smiley. I’m happy that every year life keeps getting better. I’m from Atlanta and I’ve been in New York for a little over a year – this city is so amazing. I love going out as much as I love just spending a night in, drinking wine and watching chick-flicks with my girls! 

I love my life, my job, my family and friends – I’m just missing that special someone. It’s all about the chemistry for me – if there’s no spark it’s not worth it! I’m a girly girl that will shop ‘til she drops but I can also be convinced to run. I have a great sense of humor and am looking for someone I can have a great time with no matter what. 

When it comes down to it, I’m pretty sure my profile will rarely be read in full and that most men will contact me because of this picture of my legs:

I know. They’re fantastic. I’d wink at me too…

I felt a piece of me die tonight when I forked over $24 per month for the next three months, but I’m rationalizing the decision with this knowledge – I will make back my money and then some in free drinks in the months to come.

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