Tag Archives: single

Let’s start a movement

I love when my friends get office jobs, because it means the frequency with which we communicate increases exponentially due to my favorite thing ever – GChat. Oh gchat, I love you so much I don’t think I can count the ways. If someone had told me that the only thing I liked about high school (AIM) was going to make a glorious reappearance during my young adult years, I would have put down whatever bag of candy I was stuffing into my face and jumped for joy.

Look at that little window. Look at how perfect it is!

So last week Nina started a new job, bringing her back into magical gchat land. The thing I particularly love about gchats is how you have these strange, fragmented dialogues about things that would otherwise only exist as thoughts in your own head. Eg. See above – Hibben is explaining to me that whole Lance Armstrong thing because I was too busy to read the news. Rather than spending 15 minutes reading the article, I got to learn all about ‘doping’ while I ate my lunch.

One of my favorite gchat conversations is the OMG GUESS WHO YOU SORT OF KNOW THAT JUST GOT ENGAGED, WHY IS EVERYONE GETTING MARRIED, ARE WE REALLY THAT OLD, NO, NO WE’RE NOT EVERYONE ELSE IS RUINING YOUTH FOR US, IS THERE A WAY FOR US TO PUBLICLY SHAME THEM? NO, WE’RE TECHNICALLY OLD ENOUGH THAT IT’S ACCEPTABLE AND ALSO I STILL KIND OF WANT TO BE INVITED TO THE WEDDING BECAUSE SARAH IS GOING TO BE THERE AND I HAVEN’T SEEN HER IN LIKE THREE YEARS, OH REALLY YOU HAVEN’T SHE LOST LIKE 10 POUNDS AND LOOKS GREAT conversation.

Nina and I were having one of those conversations the other day and somehow it came up that, while we’re entirely upset by the number of engagements on Facebook, we’re always thrilled when a gay couple gets engaged. It’s probably that whole ‘oh this is so beautiful, they’re exercising their newly granted rights, progress!!’ thing, but who knows. Either way, Nina brought up the amazing point that we should start an anti-straight marriage movement.

I’ve never started a movement before, but it seems like the type of thing I’d like to mention to my friend’s parents when I’m at home over the holidays.

“Tiffany, how’s New York?” 

“Oh, well you know, aside from living in the greatest city in the world AND having a fabulous social life, I’ve just been so busy with this movement that I started. It’s really tough to juggle so many things, but that’s the price you pay to give back… you know?” 

Sigh… It’d be so great… Ok, back to the movement. I’m thinking we need our message to be clear because Republicans, evangelicals, etc are under the impression that Liberals have managed to organize themselves into a war on marriage. They’re a group trying to destroy marriage. Nina and I don’t want to be that group… we’re the war against [straight] marriage. We need to make sure that the sanctity of marriage stays intact so that we can reserve it for the gays.

Because they deserve it, duh. And because of that one BuzzFeed article that’s not about Corgis but still made me cry.

I don’t know why I think it’s just their little legs that get my every time

So we came up with a motto that would separate us from any group that is (intentionally or not) warring on anything else. I wanted to call it Occupy Singledom but apparently that sounds like a knock-off of some other movement I’ve never heard of. Then I suggested we use social media and put a hashtag in front of OccupySingledom but noooo they’ve already thought of that one too. Damnit. Who are these geniuses? 

I guess we’ll just have to call it “Marriage is gay.” That will probably confuse a lot of Conservatives anyway.

Why do you want to wage a war on straight people getting married, you might ask? Well mainly because it makes us feel weird to know we could be married and popping out babies right now, but also because of the following statistic:

At least 90% of adults will get married at some point during the course of their lifetime. 

Think about if marriage were a disease. With a statistic like that, we’d all be totally doomed. And I’m starting to think it might be an illness. Think about all those marriage jokes our elders make, “The old ball and chain,” “Oh I’m in the doghouse tonight.” Sure, they’re smiling with their mouths, but look into their eyes. They’re screaming, they’re warning us.

And also think about what it does to single people. 

I’d like to consider myself less wedding-brained than most females, but I’ve still devoted countless day dreaming hours to planning my  wedding. Hundreds of millions of women are just roaming the planet, chasing the dragon of their dream wedding and if you mention to them for even a second that no, no you might not get to ride in on a pony, they will cut you.

Even if you’re not brainwashed to believe the your whole life is leading up to this one commitment and you’ll never be complete human without it (egs. men, feminists, people not raised in the south maybe), the idea that everyone around you is settling into an entirely different phase of life is universally terrifying. Ask the creator of the All My Friends Are Getting Married, I’m Just Getting Drunk Facebook group.

Maybe joining that group wasn’t the best idea

So here’s what I propose: No one gets married until at least 60. 

Because by then Facebook’s stock will have reached zero and we can quit feeling insecure about just everything ever.

Except for you, gays. You should get married today.

Seriously. GET MARRIED TODAY.

Is anyone else in? We apparently already have some followers – look at this chart on marriage rates for 20 somethings over the past few decades!

Now all we have to do is keep staying single, getting too drunk to meet people we actually connect with and spending the majority of our time watching made for Netflix movies while we pound boxes of takeout into our faces.

Easiest. Movement. Ever.

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Valentine’s Day: Plan of Action

To start – this isn’t a post about being single on Valentine’s Day. This is a post about my job.

When I’m not on the internet writing about dating and sandwiches, I’m still on the internet, but I’m working as the only customer service representative for a fast-growing flower start-up. Oh yeah, I said flower start-up… have fun figuring that one out. When most people hear that I work in customer service, they either show me pity or expect me to start ranting about all the crazy things people say to me. When they hear I’m the only customer service person for my whole company, they all have the same reaction: “So… how does THAT work?”

Well, I’M A BOSS. No, that’s not really why. I don’t really know why or how it works, but somehow I manage to keep my ‘department’ from going up in flames, mainly by apologizing about 20 times a day and then giving people free flowers. I’m awesome at giving people free flowers.

You can probably imagine that working in customer service for a flower company on Valentine’s Day isn’t ideal. Particularly if you are single (ok, I went there). While I”m sure you can sort of imagine it, I want to give it some context: I’ve never liked Valentine’s Day, at least not since it went from being about eating a lot of chocolate to it being about whether or not some boy was going to give me flowers. See, I really, really liked the Valentine’s Day that involved chocolate, and so by the time it became about the flowers, I was pretty fat.

After years of life as a fat adolescent, I started to emerge from my awkward stage only to be dumped by my first boyfriend a month before Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, I went to a really small high school and I ended up spending Valentine’s Day on my senior year of high school at a party with the same ex-boyfriend. I cried. A lot.

Then there was the Valentine’s Day where the object of my affection made out with another girl in front of me at the school dance. The explanation for his behavior was possibly more insulting than watching the make out… he told my roommate he made out with the other girl to show me what he was like. When I saw him in the hallway after, he greeted me by saying, “Happy Valentine’s Day… are you upset?”

Then there were the two years in a row that I did spend Vday with my significant other. The first one involved him talking to his mom on the phone, in front of me, fighting with her about why I wasn’t worth his buying flowers/candy/dinner for. The second year involved us driving to a Jason Mraz concert while he yelled at me the whole car ride there. Both years I cried. A lot.

After all these experiences, I was pretty sure I could handle anything February 14-related… and then came my job. I will spend Valentine’s Day knowing I’m not going to receive any flowers, taking orders for flowers, calming men who are angsty about the estimated time of arrival of their flowers. I’ve never been able to decide what’s harder about my job – dealing with angry men, or taking orders for men who are head-over-heels in love. I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. There’s something really strange about dealing with these sweet, sweet men who are so appreciative of my help, that brings me right back to being that fat adolescent helping all my friend’s boyfriends get them the perfect Valentine’s Day gift.

——–

Valentine’s day is 12 days away and I’m already starting to crumble. I’ve cried at work twice this week. Today I realized someone in the office ate my carrots and I briefly thought about laying on the floor in the middle of the office and throwing a temper tantrum. BUT, I cannot afford to crumble. No literally, I can’t. My net worth is somewhere around $2, and if I have a ginormous existential meltdown on the second largest flower holiday of the year, I will have to move back to Georgia very soon. So in the same way that my flower company forms a Valentine’s Day Plan of Action, I am forming my very own Tiffany-Can’t-Start-Crying-On-The-Phone-With-Customers plan of action.

Here’s what I’m using so far to keep myself sane:

#1- Diet: Along with the fact that I’m already vegan and gluten-free (I’ll get to that in a future post), I’ve devised Tuesday/Thursday diet plans, where I try a new crash diet each week. This week I ate only raw foods. Next week it’s juice. This works for me in two ways. First, I don’t go back to fat Tiffany. I really don’t want to revert to fat Tiffany through stress eating. Second, I get to control ONE aspect of the next few weeks. An additional benefit is that crash diets are kind of fun because you can spend hours wondering whether or not hummus is raw. Is it raw? Does anyone know?

#2- Alcohol: Tonight I purchased the expensive vodka AND my favorite juice. I feel pampered.

I feel like a baller. Is Skyy vodka raw? I’m gonna say yes.

#3- This picture of a chinchilla at the pet store near me:

LOOK AT HOW HE’S HOLDING THAT PIECE OF FOOD. Chinchillas have thumbs. DID YOU KNOW THAT? I made this picture my phone background so I’m calmed every time I look at my phone. I’m pretty sure the guy who sits next to me at work thinks I’m crazy because of how often I look at this picture.

#4- Planning to break my diet: On February 14, I will break all of my diets. I’ll be sitting at my desk, answering the phone, and, in between frantic calls, stuffing my face with every single type of food I love. Oh yes, I will eat lots and lots of Laut’s drunken noodles.

#5- Focusing on the good things: Sure, I have cried at work twice this week AND someone took my fucking carrots (why, why did you take my carrots, unknown coworker?!) but I’ve also had some good things happen. Today I went to the liquor store with the bright pink sign, the 1 train got to the station 30 seconds after I swiped in and I saw some little kids fighting each other with really big sticks while their moms were getting their hair done at an awesome barber shop.

——-

I’m interested to know if any of you have any Valentine’s Day anecdotes. As Angela always says, “You have a fucked up story? I want to hear your fucked up story!” So, please, tell me your fucked up story about the most romantic day of the year. OR, possibly better, if you have a piece of advice for getting through, a job you think is more stressful, or a type of food I should eat (or diet I should try) let me know.

Also, if you know who ate my carrots… I’m taking names. If you see something, say something.

Best of luck to all who are trying to avoid cupid.

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