I love when my friends get office jobs, because it means the frequency with which we communicate increases exponentially due to my favorite thing ever – GChat. Oh gchat, I love you so much I don’t think I can count the ways. If someone had told me that the only thing I liked about high school (AIM) was going to make a glorious reappearance during my young adult years, I would have put down whatever bag of candy I was stuffing into my face and jumped for joy.
So last week Nina started a new job, bringing her back into magical gchat land. The thing I particularly love about gchats is how you have these strange, fragmented dialogues about things that would otherwise only exist as thoughts in your own head. Eg. See above – Hibben is explaining to me that whole Lance Armstrong thing because I was too busy to read the news. Rather than spending 15 minutes reading the article, I got to learn all about ‘doping’ while I ate my lunch.
One of my favorite gchat conversations is the OMG GUESS WHO YOU SORT OF KNOW THAT JUST GOT ENGAGED, WHY IS EVERYONE GETTING MARRIED, ARE WE REALLY THAT OLD, NO, NO WE’RE NOT EVERYONE ELSE IS RUINING YOUTH FOR US, IS THERE A WAY FOR US TO PUBLICLY SHAME THEM? NO, WE’RE TECHNICALLY OLD ENOUGH THAT IT’S ACCEPTABLE AND ALSO I STILL KIND OF WANT TO BE INVITED TO THE WEDDING BECAUSE SARAH IS GOING TO BE THERE AND I HAVEN’T SEEN HER IN LIKE THREE YEARS, OH REALLY YOU HAVEN’T SHE LOST LIKE 10 POUNDS AND LOOKS GREAT conversation.
Nina and I were having one of those conversations the other day and somehow it came up that, while we’re entirely upset by the number of engagements on Facebook, we’re always thrilled when a gay couple gets engaged. It’s probably that whole ‘oh this is so beautiful, they’re exercising their newly granted rights, progress!!’ thing, but who knows. Either way, Nina brought up the amazing point that we should start an anti-straight marriage movement.
I’ve never started a movement before, but it seems like the type of thing I’d like to mention to my friend’s parents when I’m at home over the holidays.
“Tiffany, how’s New York?”
“Oh, well you know, aside from living in the greatest city in the world AND having a fabulous social life, I’ve just been so busy with this movement that I started. It’s really tough to juggle so many things, but that’s the price you pay to give back… you know?”
Sigh… It’d be so great… Ok, back to the movement. I’m thinking we need our message to be clear because Republicans, evangelicals, etc are under the impression that Liberals have managed to organize themselves into a war on marriage. They’re a group trying to destroy marriage. Nina and I don’t want to be that group… we’re the war against [straight] marriage. We need to make sure that the sanctity of marriage stays intact so that we can reserve it for the gays.
Because they deserve it, duh. And because of that one BuzzFeed article that’s not about Corgis but still made me cry.
So we came up with a motto that would separate us from any group that is (intentionally or not) warring on anything else. I wanted to call it Occupy Singledom but apparently that sounds like a knock-off of some other movement I’ve never heard of. Then I suggested we use social media and put a hashtag in front of OccupySingledom but noooo they’ve already thought of that one too. Damnit. Who are these geniuses?
I guess we’ll just have to call it “Marriage is gay.” That will probably confuse a lot of Conservatives anyway.
Why do you want to wage a war on straight people getting married, you might ask? Well mainly because it makes us feel weird to know we could be married and popping out babies right now, but also because of the following statistic:
At least 90% of adults will get married at some point during the course of their lifetime.
Think about if marriage were a disease. With a statistic like that, we’d all be totally doomed. And I’m starting to think it might be an illness. Think about all those marriage jokes our elders make, “The old ball and chain,” “Oh I’m in the doghouse tonight.” Sure, they’re smiling with their mouths, but look into their eyes. They’re screaming, they’re warning us.
And also think about what it does to single people.
I’d like to consider myself less wedding-brained than most females, but I’ve still devoted countless day dreaming hours to planning my wedding. Hundreds of millions of women are just roaming the planet, chasing the dragon of their dream wedding and if you mention to them for even a second that no, no you might not get to ride in on a pony, they will cut you.
Even if you’re not brainwashed to believe the your whole life is leading up to this one commitment and you’ll never be complete human without it (egs. men, feminists, people not raised in the south maybe), the idea that everyone around you is settling into an entirely different phase of life is universally terrifying. Ask the creator of the All My Friends Are Getting Married, I’m Just Getting Drunk Facebook group.
So here’s what I propose: No one gets married until at least 60.
Because by then Facebook’s stock will have reached zero and we can quit feeling insecure about just everything ever.
Except for you, gays. You should get married today.
Is anyone else in? We apparently already have some followers – look at this chart on marriage rates for 20 somethings over the past few decades!
Now all we have to do is keep staying single, getting too drunk to meet people we actually connect with and spending the majority of our time watching made for Netflix movies while we pound boxes of takeout into our faces.
Easiest. Movement. Ever.