Tag Archives: valentines_day

Post-Valentine’s Day Recovery tips

It’s over! No more cupids or roses for a year! Still, I have a sneaking suspicion that some of you are still suffering today from Vday-related ailments. Here’s a list of recovery tips for every situation I can imagine you getting yourself into last night:

You sat on the couch drinking (listening to the playlist I made for you, of course)
Congrats! You probably don’t have that bad of a hangover from getting to bed at a reasonable hour. If you’re feeling a little iffy, those sweethearts in your office will totally serve as replacement Tums. Celebrate the end of the romantic holiday season with a glass of champagne. You deserve it.

You went out drinking with your friends.
I do not envy you, friend. Last night started innocently enough; a glass of wine over a nice dinner with some friends, then you figured what the hell? It’s Valentines Day, lets get a bottle! Before you know it it’s 3 am and you’re ripping shots of – oh god you can’t even think the word shots without wanting to die in the bathroom at your office. Can anyone else hear the computers buzzing? It’s like earth-shatteringly loud, right?

Ok, probably a lot. I never update Flash and I’m sorry.

I have five words for you: breakfast sandwich and a Rockstar.

Wait 30 mins for them to digest while you think about throwing up on the coworker who sits across from you and you will be golden. You’ll be totally ready to repeat last night.

You had a crazy Valentine’s Day one night stand.
Those exist in real life, right? They’re all over the movies and TV and I really want to believe there are people awesome enough to do this, but to date I’ve only ever heard on V-day sex scandal.

If you’re reading this proudly (or shamefully) because you are this years one night stand unicorn, you win at life. Call in sick to work – who cares what they think? Walk of shame your hot mess of a self over to Soho and buy yourself something sexy. You officially won Valentine’s Day 2013. Damn, you’re cool.

Your romantic date turned into a teary, bitter fight with your significant other.
The evening started out so nicely, but before you knew it the pressure of a holiday invented for you and your significant other to prove to one another that your love is the Best Love caused you to crack. A romantic Italian dinner turned into you sobbing while stuffing hunks of bread in your mouth so as to shoo away the accordion players with your utter disgustingness.

Now you’re sitting at work, poofy-eyed, having to swallow back tears when your coworkers ask you how your fairy tale evening with Mr. Perfect went. Why didn’t you decide to skip Valentine’s all together instead of subjecting yourselves to the torture of flower arrangements and overpriced Pre Fixe?

So, last night sucked. Sometimes the worst times come when we’ve built up our expectations so high that we have nowhere to go but down.

Facts: Your boyfriend didn’t propose; that Pesto wasn’t fresh; and at the end of the night your cab driver took the worst route home ever. Valentine’s Day may have sucked, but now it’s over and all of those giant, unclaimed heart boxes full of chocolate are on sale for at least 50% off! Go get yourself some and feel better.

You skipped Valentine’s Day altogether?

You didn’t wallow, drink or cry? Yesterday was just another day and you’re sitting there at your desk watching the fallout around you?

Good for you! Rub it in everyone else’s faces by eating a fruit salad for breakfast and telling all the hungover people about your favorite types of tequila… Get really detailed with it. If there were more people like you, we could forget this whole day ever existed in the first place.

All, the week is over so I will return to my usual Tuesday/Thursday posting schedule. Thank you so much for reading, sharing and commenting!

Peace, love and I’m still listening to “Wide Awake”,
BWCE

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , ,

Floral Arrangements for Getting it On

We all have those random skill sets we’ve acquired from our past – whether it’s this stuff you learned from the job you had in high school, or what you majored in during college. I can talk your ear off about music copyright law and varieties of carnations. It was only a year or so ago that I was coming up with the occasional floral ‘Recipes,’ so I’ve decided to share my expertise with all the gentlemen who read my blog.

Fact: Valentine’s Day is the number two busiest day in the floral industry, losing out to Mother’s Day only because everyone has a mother.

That being said, Valentine’s buyers are the most desperate and clueless. Men know that women want flowers, and they want them on Valentine’s day, but they’re utterly clueless as to what to order or what to write on the gift message.

I can’t tell you how many gift messages I’ve written for grown men.

Men, are you concerned your ladies are a little less traditional? Do you want to wow them with something more creative than roses.  Do you need to write something more creative than “love you babe?”

I could give you some really great advice on all of the above, but instead I’m going to show you the wonderful world of flowers that send one very direct message: I wanna do you, bitch. 

My friend Toni, floral buyer extraordinaire, inspired this post by sending me a comic that was so dirty I wrote back, “I can’t put that on my blog. My grandma reads it sometimes!” Anyway, Toni also taught me the wonderful world of dirty flowers… Throw a couple of these in your traditional red rose bouquet, include the message I’ve attached and you are bound to get your message across. Whether or not this actually gets you laid… I have no idea.

Calla Lilies – The classy way to say “take your pants off.”

Gift message: Baby, you’re beautiful just the way you are… And you’re even more beautiful when you’re naked.

Callas are famously known as a symbol for lady parts, just ask Georgia O’Keeffe.

Anthirium – An exotic way to ask, “Do you wanna see it?” 

Gift Message: “Girl, I feel so close to you. I just want to show you my soul, or something like that.”

As an aside, in searching for anthirium, Toni came across this:

WHY ON EARTH IS THIS A STOCK PHOTO??

Ok, next.

Hooker Lips – For the lady who’s a little cheap and likes it that way. 

Gift Message: “Bitch, this flower ain’t got nothing on you. You my #1 ho.”

I’m pretty sure that flower had some work done.

Banksia – For those who feel the need to over-compensate.

Gift Message: “How you doin’?”

This is a personal favorite among flower people. One of my favorite complaints ever received was in regards to some bright red banksia in an arrangement: “What are those penis-looking things? They’re terrible!”

Black roses and Thistle – If you’re into some weird shit.

After last year’s 50 Shades craze, I couldn’t leave it out. Buy her some black roses, spiny thistle and maybe some Devil’s Poker.

Gift Message: “Slave, the only safe words I need are “I love you.””

 

Anyway, we have arrived! Happy Valentine’s Day! Good luck on any and all of your endeavors today.

Peace, love and OMGIMSOHAPPYTODAYBECAUSENOFLOWERCOMPLAINERS,

BWCE

Tagged , , , , , , ,

The Worst Case Scenario Playlist

I’m going to reveal my utter chickishness when it comes to this post, but oh well.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. If you were hoping for a date and there’s no one to be found, you’re probably out of luck. If you were hoping for a couple friends to keep you company but all of them have other plans, you’re probably out of luck there too. That is of course unless you’re in a romcom… Then you can expect that at some point during the day someone is going to make a huge romantic gesture, or you’re going to make out with you best friend under fireworks, or something like that happens in Valentine’s Day. I got totally bored in the middle of it and ordered a bunch of food from Papa John’s.

So you’ve reached the end of the road and tomorrow you’re going to sit at home, drinking wine and watching TV, maybe you’ll even feel sorry for yourself for awhile. I say, step it up a notch. In my newfound spirit of loving everything Valentine’s Day, I think you should celebrate a shitty Valentine’s Day too. Consider it a good chance to feel, and what’s better for inspiring feeling than music?

Here’s what I suggest you do tomorrow: Go to work all dressed up. Pretend you’ve got something fancy to do, because having something fancy to do is always a good excuse to leave work early. On the way home, pick up your favorite snacks and something to drink as well as something that you can take shots of. If you follow my playlist, there will be a drinking game involved. Get your ass home early, put on your favorite pajamas, and begin the Best/Worst Valentine’s night of your life.

Stage 1 – You are still very sober

“Wide Awake” by Katy Perry.
I’m not all that big of a Katy Perry fan, but OMG this song is so good, right? It sounds hopeful, but it’s so sad. There are few songs in this word that make me go, “I wish I’d just gotten dumped because this shit would be so cathartic,” but this song is one of those.

“Leave” by JoJo.
I’d save this for later, because it’s kinda cheezy, but you’re not going to be able to belt those high notes when you’re drunk. Being cheated on has never been my reason for getting out of a long term relationship, but 14-yr-old JoJo sings this so passionately that it makes me able to turn, “Because you were kinda boring,” into, “YOU RUINED MY SOUL YOU BASTARD.”

“Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit.
I didn’t curse until I was probably 18 but I remember listening to this song on my whatever came before an iPod MP3 player in the 9th grade and mouthing the curse words that I imagined Fred Durst was singing (I had the edited version) because I just felt like he got me. You still do, Fred Durst. You still do.

Stage 2 – Ok, let’s play some drinking games

“Irreplaceable” by Beyonce.
Every time Beyonce says, “To the left, To the left,” take a shot.

“Cry Me A River” by Justin Timberlake.
Every time Justin sings, “Cry me, Cry me,” in falsetto in the background, take a shot. For a little schadenfreude, you can watch the music video and then Google pictures of Britney Spears during her mental breakdown years.

“So What?” by P!nk.
Ok, so if you were playing properly you’re definitely drunk by now. Take a shot of water every time P!nk says, “So what?”

“Wide Awake” by Katy Perry.
No drinking game here, I just wanna talk about how great this song is again.

Stage 3 – You’re drunk. Time to remind yourself of how awesome you are

“I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred.
You’ll probably only get through one minute of this, but it’ll be worth it.

“Stronger” by Britney Spears.
I would not recommend trying the chair dance right now. Or ever.

“Still Not A Player” by Big Pun.
I don’t know what this song has to do with Valentine’s Day. I just really like it.

Stage 4 – You’re drunk enough that you’re ready to cry

“We Found Love” and “I Knew You Were Trouble” mashup
You’re going to have to make your own, but it will be worth it. Open two separate YouTube windows and pull up the two songs. Watch the intro to “We Found Love” and then right before the song starts, pause the video and watch “I Knew You Were Trouble.” Make sure to skip Taylor’s intro, that is basically a knock-off of Rihanna’s. The song starts 2 minutes in.

“You Were Meant For Me” by Jewel.
I think the first time I heard this song when I was in the 3rd grade, I learned what sadness truly was. Of course, 8 year old Tiffany thought about all of her dead pets and missing them, but it still got me every time.

“Wide Awake” by Katy Perry.
It’s totally about Russell Brand, right?

“Lovin’s for Fools” by Bon Iver.
Ohmygoditssosad.

Stage 5 – Success! It’s almost bedtime. You’ve survived!

Order yourself something delicious off of Seamless and watch a couple episodes of How I Met Your Mother. That always makes me feel better.

Peace, love and I’m gonna go listen to “Wide Awake” on repeat, 

BWCE

 

Tagged , , , , ,

Gift Guide: Valentine’s Day Edition

Ok, so I sadly haven’t seen any DNAinfo.com Valentine’s Day gift suggestions, but I think I’ll be able to wing it. Valentine’s Day is only two days away and if you’re like me you’re still trying to figure out a way to work curse words and insults into an adorable homemade gift for your significant other.

Dirty message jam could totally be a top seller on Etsy

Giving a good gift for Valentine’s Day can be hard, especially if your relationship isn’t your standard husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend situation. This year, however, you’re in luck! Instead of making sex jam, I’ve been thinking about all of you and your needs. I know, I’m such a good person. Below are my suggestions for every type of relationship I could come up with. If you have one I haven’t mentioned, and you’d like to know what I think, shoot me a line in the comments section of this post. I will come up with something JUST for you. How’s that for customer service?

For your best friend:

So you’re single this year and your romantic life is so nonexistent that you not only quit shaving your legs, but you’re not even bothering with the armpits anymore either because it’s winter and fuck it, no one’s seeing your naked arms for another three months anyway. I’ve been there, and I totally get it: Why the fuck do couples need another day to remind you of the constant, nagging feeling that you are that one person who is destined to be alone forever? Do they really need another excuse to shower each other with the love and affection that you’re certain you are only going to receive from the 37 cats you one day plan to adopt?

First off, you’re probably not that person because if the cast of Jersey Shore can get married (at least for a while) I’m pretty sure there’s hope for all of you. Secondly, that’s why we all have best friends. Best friends don’t care about your unshaven armpits or your strange obsession with Love Bites, the cancelled-after-nine-episodes NBC sitcom that lured you in with a guest appearance by Jennifer Love Hewitt for like five seconds and then went downhill after the opening credits. Best friends don’t go, “Hey, honey. Maybe you shouldn’t eat that icing while waiting for your pizza to arrive,” because it does not concern them if you get fat and most of the time they will enjoy eating the icing with you.

One of my favorite Valentine’s Days was spent on the couch with Nina watching America’s Psychic Challenge and eating chili. I recommend that you purchase the DVD set of that show and some chili to recreate that.

Love you, Neens.

For your gay best friend who is of the opposite sex: 

They’re basically the same as the above with a few minor differences – they’re awesome cuddle time stand-ins and the fact that they work out more than you slightly helps with the potential weight gain that comes with the icing/pizza combo.

Take them on a trip. Take them on a trip to a place where you like to judge people, like the mall, or Oskaloosa, Iowa and mean mug everyone who walks by and then say things like, “Ew.” or “Who?” after they pass but are still within earshot.

Judging, circa 2010. Venue of choice: Florida.

For someone who’s put you in the Friend Zone but you want outta that zone and into his/her pants:

I’ll start this with a don’t: The other day I was at the gym, watching one of those little TVs while I elliptical-ed my heart out. I usually don’t watch MTV because I had some opinion on what their reality shows were doing to society when I was like 22 and even though I’ve since forgotten my stance, I figured meh, I’ll stick with it. The thing is my gym plays 90% sports and then either The Food Channel or MTV, so I was forced. Anyway, they have this show called Friendzone where people who have a crush on their best friend take them on an MTV reality TV show but the friend thinks it’s a different MTV reality show and then through some elaborate plot they reveal their true intentions and either they’re publicly humiliated when the friend says no or they start dating but it’s kind of awkward and you feel like you’re watching two siblings date when they do the ‘two months later’ check in. Do not take your Friend Zone buddy on this show for Valentine’s Day.

What you should do instead – Get them some condoms. Don’t fuck around, just do it.

For that special someone… Who you really, really want to dump: A Match.com subscription paired with the phrase, “I think you’re really great and you deserve to have someone love you as much as you love me.”

For your lying, cheating, no-good ex:

I once dated someone who turned out to be a MASSIVE compulsive liar. He’d created elaborate stories such as playing tennis in Brazil for an entire summer while being paid $30K in tennis winnings. It turned out that he’d spent the summer painting houses with his dad in his hometown while hiding from all of his friends he was lying to. If I’d known about www.dirtyrottenflowers.com, he’d have received at lot of their arrangements.

For that friend you secretly hate: 

Old people, my generation calls these “Frenemies.” Cute right? And you thought we were so busy with our Facebooks and tumbling that we hadn’t accomplished anything yet. Get that bitch some chocolate. It’s perfect! It seems nice but accomplishes your ulterior motive, which is of course to get your nemesis fat. There is one exception… If the reason you hate this person is because she’s got a magic metabolism, giving her chocolate that she can enjoy without consequence does not help your cause. In that case, give her something terrible, like a juice cleanse.

“This is all water weight. First you bloat, and then you drop ten pounds like that.”

For the hot guy/girl on the train: 

Your number. Duh.

Original photo from hotguysonthehtrain.tumblr.com

Ok, back to figuring out my own gift. I think for Valentine’s Day maybe I’ll just get my boyfriend drunk.

Peace, love and sexy condiments, 

BWCE

Tagged , , , , ,

Valentine’s Day, I love you

For those of you who have been reading this blog for over a year, you know that last Valentine’s Day I was in rough shape. I was extremely anxious about my customer service job at a flower company and came up with a slew of coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety. From almost buying an albino chinchilla to writing letters to ex-boyfriends, I was a trainwreck. The only productive things I accomplished during the entire month of February were saving a drunk girl and watching at least four seasons of How I Met Your Mother.

If you click the links above, you will get to all of last year’s posts about Valentine’s Day. In case you didn’t figure that out yet… You clever thing, you. 

The day after Valentine’s Day, I stood in my bedroom staring out my window at the dreary February grossness and tried to come up with any excuse to not go to work.

“Hi, work? Yes, I got hit by a cab delivering flowers last night. I’m uh, dead. Yeah… I’m calling from hell. No, it’s actually not that bad. There are margaritas here.”
“Dear work, I am writing you this email because I lost my voice in a screaming karaoke rap battle with a drag queen last night. I know late-night drinking is irresponsible, especially on a Tuesday, but it happened. I will be taking a personal day, thank you very much.”

When I realized that my most believable excuse would be claiming I’d had a complete emotional breakdown, I decided I had to get to work because I was already late and that the only thing I could do at that point was make myself one promise: Next year, you will not be spending your Valentine’s Day customer servicing angry flower orderers and recipients. I don’t know what you’ll be doing, but whatever it is you will remember this moment and you will forever love Valentine’s Day and everything about it for the rest of your life because you won’t be doing this. 

So I’m making good on my promise to myself AND to all of you. Valentine’s Day is universally hated by single people, couples, waiters, cab drivers, liquor store attendants, and the list goes on. As possibly the only person who now loves Valentine’s Day, consider me your benevolent host. This week, I will be posting every day with tips, tricks and drinking games (duh) for everyone out there who’s having a rough week.

If you’ve got a date this holiday, give them an extra tight squeeze. If you’re single, give your friends (or that wine bottle) an extra tight squeeze. If you’re in customer service for any business involved in Valentine’s Day, I tip my fucking hat to you, you are a god among men. No matter where you are, come back every day to check out the action.

Peace, love and candy hearts, 

BWCE

Tagged , , , ,

Valentine’s Day: Plan of Action

To start – this isn’t a post about being single on Valentine’s Day. This is a post about my job.

When I’m not on the internet writing about dating and sandwiches, I’m still on the internet, but I’m working as the only customer service representative for a fast-growing flower start-up. Oh yeah, I said flower start-up… have fun figuring that one out. When most people hear that I work in customer service, they either show me pity or expect me to start ranting about all the crazy things people say to me. When they hear I’m the only customer service person for my whole company, they all have the same reaction: “So… how does THAT work?”

Well, I’M A BOSS. No, that’s not really why. I don’t really know why or how it works, but somehow I manage to keep my ‘department’ from going up in flames, mainly by apologizing about 20 times a day and then giving people free flowers. I’m awesome at giving people free flowers.

You can probably imagine that working in customer service for a flower company on Valentine’s Day isn’t ideal. Particularly if you are single (ok, I went there). While I”m sure you can sort of imagine it, I want to give it some context: I’ve never liked Valentine’s Day, at least not since it went from being about eating a lot of chocolate to it being about whether or not some boy was going to give me flowers. See, I really, really liked the Valentine’s Day that involved chocolate, and so by the time it became about the flowers, I was pretty fat.

After years of life as a fat adolescent, I started to emerge from my awkward stage only to be dumped by my first boyfriend a month before Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, I went to a really small high school and I ended up spending Valentine’s Day on my senior year of high school at a party with the same ex-boyfriend. I cried. A lot.

Then there was the Valentine’s Day where the object of my affection made out with another girl in front of me at the school dance. The explanation for his behavior was possibly more insulting than watching the make out… he told my roommate he made out with the other girl to show me what he was like. When I saw him in the hallway after, he greeted me by saying, “Happy Valentine’s Day… are you upset?”

Then there were the two years in a row that I did spend Vday with my significant other. The first one involved him talking to his mom on the phone, in front of me, fighting with her about why I wasn’t worth his buying flowers/candy/dinner for. The second year involved us driving to a Jason Mraz concert while he yelled at me the whole car ride there. Both years I cried. A lot.

After all these experiences, I was pretty sure I could handle anything February 14-related… and then came my job. I will spend Valentine’s Day knowing I’m not going to receive any flowers, taking orders for flowers, calming men who are angsty about the estimated time of arrival of their flowers. I’ve never been able to decide what’s harder about my job – dealing with angry men, or taking orders for men who are head-over-heels in love. I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. There’s something really strange about dealing with these sweet, sweet men who are so appreciative of my help, that brings me right back to being that fat adolescent helping all my friend’s boyfriends get them the perfect Valentine’s Day gift.

——–

Valentine’s day is 12 days away and I’m already starting to crumble. I’ve cried at work twice this week. Today I realized someone in the office ate my carrots and I briefly thought about laying on the floor in the middle of the office and throwing a temper tantrum. BUT, I cannot afford to crumble. No literally, I can’t. My net worth is somewhere around $2, and if I have a ginormous existential meltdown on the second largest flower holiday of the year, I will have to move back to Georgia very soon. So in the same way that my flower company forms a Valentine’s Day Plan of Action, I am forming my very own Tiffany-Can’t-Start-Crying-On-The-Phone-With-Customers plan of action.

Here’s what I’m using so far to keep myself sane:

#1- Diet: Along with the fact that I’m already vegan and gluten-free (I’ll get to that in a future post), I’ve devised Tuesday/Thursday diet plans, where I try a new crash diet each week. This week I ate only raw foods. Next week it’s juice. This works for me in two ways. First, I don’t go back to fat Tiffany. I really don’t want to revert to fat Tiffany through stress eating. Second, I get to control ONE aspect of the next few weeks. An additional benefit is that crash diets are kind of fun because you can spend hours wondering whether or not hummus is raw. Is it raw? Does anyone know?

#2- Alcohol: Tonight I purchased the expensive vodka AND my favorite juice. I feel pampered.

I feel like a baller. Is Skyy vodka raw? I’m gonna say yes.

#3- This picture of a chinchilla at the pet store near me:

LOOK AT HOW HE’S HOLDING THAT PIECE OF FOOD. Chinchillas have thumbs. DID YOU KNOW THAT? I made this picture my phone background so I’m calmed every time I look at my phone. I’m pretty sure the guy who sits next to me at work thinks I’m crazy because of how often I look at this picture.

#4- Planning to break my diet: On February 14, I will break all of my diets. I’ll be sitting at my desk, answering the phone, and, in between frantic calls, stuffing my face with every single type of food I love. Oh yes, I will eat lots and lots of Laut’s drunken noodles.

#5- Focusing on the good things: Sure, I have cried at work twice this week AND someone took my fucking carrots (why, why did you take my carrots, unknown coworker?!) but I’ve also had some good things happen. Today I went to the liquor store with the bright pink sign, the 1 train got to the station 30 seconds after I swiped in and I saw some little kids fighting each other with really big sticks while their moms were getting their hair done at an awesome barber shop.

——-

I’m interested to know if any of you have any Valentine’s Day anecdotes. As Angela always says, “You have a fucked up story? I want to hear your fucked up story!” So, please, tell me your fucked up story about the most romantic day of the year. OR, possibly better, if you have a piece of advice for getting through, a job you think is more stressful, or a type of food I should eat (or diet I should try) let me know.

Also, if you know who ate my carrots… I’m taking names. If you see something, say something.

Best of luck to all who are trying to avoid cupid.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: