Tag Archives: zombie

Staying “Inspiralized” After the Apocalypse

So I wrote this on NYE AM after drinking half a bottle of prosecco by like 9 AM while texing Austin a bunch. He said I should make pictures but I didn’t. Here you go. This is mainly for Antoine:

If you’re reading this for instructional purposes, CONGRATULATIONS(?), YOU SURVIVED THE APOCALYPSE. AND, the Apocalypse has either left the Internet intact (guessing zombie-style) or you (intelligently) printed this post out in advance of the Apocalypse because let’s be fucking honest, we all saw it coming (I’d go with some sorta nuclear war sitch in this case).

Anyway, here you are, reading this post, thinking “What now? Everything and everyone I love is dead and gone and I think I’m supposed to rebuild society or whatever but honestly I couldn’t even back before those zombies/bombs/aliens/noroviruses came around and fucked it ALL up.” I have two words for you — spiralized squash. Or like, seaweed if that’s all that survived after that comet hit the North Pole that was already melted and caused that Tsunami to hit every major city in the world. Seriously, cookbook author, blog owner and lifestyle guru (totally guessing, but like, probably, right?) Ali Maffucci has got you in this time of desperate need and possibly having resort to cannibalism to survive because SPIRALIZING SHIT. I’m sure she also survived the raging fires that consumed the entire Northern Hemisphere just because people won’t recycle their damn bottles because the the level of craftiness it takes to realize you can turn a broccoli stem into an al dente noodle mean you can totes defend yourself against the mole people who have now become society’s overlords.

At this point, you probably have some questions about the helpfulness of this post, like —

  • Why are you ranting about a diet blog instead of telling me how to bury the contagious corpses littered around this shack I built out of old Amazon boxes?
  • All of the spiralizers melted when the self-driving cars were hacked and simultaneously drove into nuclear reactors so how in the world am I supposed to turn this obviously toxic and possibly deadly zucchini into a delicious substitute for angel hair pasta?

I will address the second question only, because the first is dumb, obviously spiralizing is the answer to the world accepting Bitcoin as its only form of currency and then one person hacking it, stealing all the Bitcoin, downloading it onto a USB drive which then got trashed when he accidentally unplugged it from his laptop without dragging the USB drive icon into the trashcan icon so all the Bitcoin disappeared and the world was forced to return to a bartering economy but the only skill anyone has is Bitcoin mining so like duh you need to develop this skill because you will be the first person with a skill. The fun thing about spiralizing, along with the creativity you can bring to your everyday dinners without even *feeling* like you’re dieting because sweet potato noodles definitely taste just as good in pad thai as regular rice noodles, is that pretty much any set of sharpened items shoved into a circular surface can be used to turn a seemingly bland, boring vegetable into a delicious substitute for starches.

Added bonus: whatever your apocalypse scenario is, I bet you have the tools to make a spiralizer. Whether or not you have the resources to actually spiralize is a different question, but spiralizers make your options almost limitless! In an attempt to imagine your specific apocalypse scenario and what resources you could use to create your post-apocalyptic spiralizer, I’ve come up with a couple plausible scenarios with some recommendations —

Scenario 1: It turns out that Kylie™ lipstain contains a dormant zombie virus that becomes activated when it comes in contact with the Starbucks Special Edition Unicorn Frappuccino so every #basicbitch turned into a zombie and that shit spread mad fast. There was a brief hope that applying some Fenty Mattemoiselle in Midnight Wasabi lipstick was the cure, but alas, even millennial Jesus (Rihanna) couldn’t save the world from the millenial antichrists (Kardashians) and so the #basics destroyed everyone with the exception of those who never attended Bikram, dabbled in a vegan and/or gluten-free lifestyle, or justified a purchase by calling it “cruelty-free”

Spiralizer solution 1: Your post-apocalyptic world is littered with the tubes of a lipstain that was once sold out almost immediately upon its release. You’re wandering around in a fog, asking yourself the Big questions like, “was Kylie ever pregnant? Was it Tyga’s?” and “what even IS lip stain?” but what you should really be doing is picking up ALL 👏🏻 THOSE 👏🏻 FUCKING 👏🏻 LIP 👏🏻 STAIN 👏🏻 TUBES 👏🏻 because once you remove the stain brush, you’ve got some perfect little plastic tubes you can sharpen into tiny spikes so you can turn some onions into the best oven-baked cajun fry substitute you’ve ever had. It’s like 15 calories. So good. What is that you say? The spiralizers are still around because in this apocalypse scenario nothing was destroyed except for a bunch of Starbucks and Forever 21s? Ok, fine, just go find a real spiralizer, but, like, I helped a little bit OK?

Scenario 2(highly likely): Everyone Googles themselves to death. This goes one of two ways for every member of society — the first have such a common name that they can’t even find any entries about them on page one of the results and they realize their meaninglessness, the second have such unique names that they find every negative reaction to everything they’ve ever done on the Internet (which is a lot), and the thumbs down to their Yelp! reviews, negative votes to the Quora answers, This Is Unhelpful count of their Amazon product ratings and general trolling of the YouTube video they posted of their pet ferret (mainly fat-shaming the ferret, but also some fat-shaming of the owner) plunge them into a similar feeling of meaninglessness. Both parties choose death by spiralizer BECAUSE YOU GUYS YOU CAN SERIOUSLY SPIRALIZE ANYTHING.

Spiralizer solution 2: OK in this scenario you def don’t want to use those spiralizers. That said, the Amazon headquarters probably have a shitton of unused ones and given that no actual disaster occurred you can probably just walk into any of their warehouses and find one. Good luck finding it with your internet-less, “keeps you off the grid”, flip phone, you fucking nerd.

Scenario 3: Beyoncé dies.

Spiralizer solution 3: Nope. Starve to death. What’s the point?

Blogs are supposed to have a sign-off. Whatever,


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Battles, part II

If you haven’t read battles, part I, it’s here. If you don’t want to read part I, it’s basically the first half of this list of people I want to battle.

BATTLE #4 – Tiffany VERSUS the person on the other side of the phone (who I’ve never met before)

It turns out this is a common emotion

Weapon: Some sort of phone generated electrical shock seems impossible, so probably hiring a hitman

I remember when email and AIM first came out, people were all, “it’s so easy to misunderstand each other! There’s no inflection!” I think the Internet generation feels the same way about the phone. All disembodied voices sound threatening and offensive.

The phone is missing so much information. Who IS this person anyway?

Do they open every email with salutations even when it’s a thread? That means they take themselves too seriously.

Do they have a hotmail address? That means they’re old.

What is their signature like? Pink and in Lucinda Grande? They’re dumb.

These are incredibly important pieces of information, none of which are determined by a phone call.

I have this avoidance behavior with the phone that is definitely not suited to my profession (but may be a result of said profession): I am constantly trying to get off of the phone with people I don’t know. Once I’ve met the person, we’re BFF and I’m all, “OMG, Mondays! I know, rigggghhhht? Let’s have a meeting soon just so we can hang out.” But before that I’m all, “Ok so the topic of this call has four points. Just FYI, I have a hard stop in 30 minutes.”

The problem with this battle is that once I meet the person, I’d likely not want to battle them. I’d be prepared, amped up, phone set in hand and ready to beat them with it, and then I’d see their haircut, or jeans, or college sweatshirt and immediately be like, “OMG ME TOO!! Let’s have these meetings weekly! Can we hug?” Because I love everyone.

BATTLE #5 – Tiffany VESUS that Person who acts all pissed on the street because they’re in a hurry and no one is moving fast enough

Such a good movie. Her things really were the most important things.

Weapon of choice: Taking up as much space as possible while walking really slowly

BATTLE #6 – Tiffany VERSUS the Person who is not moving fast enough when I’m in a hurry

Weapon of choice: Violent shoving (Full disclosure: I don’t care if these people are children. I want to shove the children.)

I know, I’m such a hypocrite. But aren’t we all? I think this is very similar to the car versus pedestrian battle, which btw is really car versus pedestrian versus biker battle but no one thinks about bikes until you start riding one. Trust me, the bikes are part of it. Don’t leave the bikes out.

Whenever I’m behind a group of people (usually tourists) taking up the whole sidewalk and walking slower than people who consider speed walking exercise, I feel impulse to part the sea of Midwestern body types and off-brand sneakers and yell “TOURISTS!!” at the top of my lungs. This works even if they’re not tourists because everyone in New York is always striving to seem like the ultimate New Yorker. Fast-walking, well-dressed, and definitely not from anywhere other than New York since the second they breathed the oxygen of this world.

My problem is that every time I’m walking down the street, thinking “Aw, this is so relaxing. God, I love this pandora station,” and someone pushes by dramatically, throwing her hands in the air and yelling, “Come on people!!” I’m immediately like, “Wow… What a fucking douche. I bet she’s not even going anywhere important.” I feel the urge to run in front of her and get in their way more, or tell something insulting like, “Why such a rush to get back to Bushwick??”

There’s no winning here. I should basically just battle myself. Which I already do every so often because sometimes I sneeze violently and accidentally hit myself in the face.

BATTLE #7 – Tiffany VERUS the person whose life is better than hers

Those of you who have been reading for a while know how I feel about Zooey Deschanel… That perfect bitch.

Weapon of choice: My life

First of all, I think you’re lying. Second, YOU’RE LYING.

Third, let’s start with when I was 8 years old and McKenzie McsomethingIrishorSocttish called me a freak on the playground because no one wanted to play, “Cats and Guinea Pigs” with me. As lucky is I am for all of the wonderful things in my life, I will crack your happy bubble with little to no effort on my part. Have you heard of learned helplessness? Because Nina told me about that like two years ago and I’ve been depressed ever since! The rats, they just give up! I feel you, rats. Seriously, my first world sadness is going to destroy you. Get ready.


When it comes down to it, I’m probably never going to have a battle. I’m small, very scared, and I’ve already decided that if the zombie apocalypse ever occurs, I’m going to give myself over to the winning team immediately because I can’t handle the stress of trying not to become a zombie. This is not a fight-winning mentality. I also think I could never drink a raw egg, and doesn’t Rocky have to do that?

I digress… Basically, these fights are highly unlikely, unless you’d like to fight with me. Now I’d like to open the floor to all of you and see who you’d like to battle. Allison has started this by mentioning women with large purses. Allison – we may have to battle one day. I’m sorry, that’s just how it is. Watch out for my tailbone. If you’d like more battle posts, let me know who (or what) gives you violent feelings, and I will try my best to come up with a battle plan.

Peace, love and I hope that bitch McKenzie is a stripper now,

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